Fallout

Ronnie narrows his eyes like he’ll kill me if I tell. As if he could do anything with all these grown-ups around. Suddenly it’s so stupid, it almost feels funny. I stick my tongue out at him. He blinks, then grins, and sticks his tongue back at me.

Dad and Janet take turns sitting with Mom. When Dad’s with her, he holds her hand. Now and then, Janet takes her pulse. I know why they’re watching her, but I can’t say anything because I don’t want to scare Sparky. But I’m scared. I don’t want her to die. And what will happen if she does, and we still have to stay down here for two weeks? The idea is so awful, I have to make myself think of other things.

Now that we’ve stuck our tongues out at each other, it feels dumb to stay angry, so Ronnie and I play checkers. Sparky watches and goes “uh-huh” when he thinks I’ve made a good move and “nuh-uh” when he doesn’t. Normally I’d tell him to get lost, but that would leave him with nothing to do.

The grown-ups start to play cards. I guess they need to find a way to pass the time, too. It’s weird because no one knows what time it really is. Is it daytime up there? Night?

Do day and night still exist?

“Two weeks of this?” Mrs. Shaw mutters to no one in particular.

Minutes, hours, countless games of cards and checkers have passed. Sparky wants to take a nap, so Dad puts a towel over the wet spot and helps him up into our bunk. Mr. Shaw lies on some blankets on the floor, and Ronnie squeezes beside his mom on a bunk, just as Paula does with her father. Janet starts to lean her head against the concrete wall, so Dad makes a small bed out of pillows for her on the floor then turns to me.

“You want to sleep?”

I shake my head. Dad and I sit at the card table. My fingers scratch at the red plastic surface, and I can’t help thinking about school and my teacher, Mr. Kasman, and, once again, about my friends… . I feel a deep sadness like nothing I’ve ever felt before. Why Can’t You Be Like Johnny?… Freak O’ Nature… Linda… Can they all be gone? I know what the answer probably is, but it’s so hard to believe.

Mr. Shaw starts to snore. The others breathe deeply and steadily. Opposite me, Dad stares at his interlaced fingers.

I whisper, “Do you think it killed everybody up there?”

There’s down here and up there. The ones who feel like they’re buried are alive, while the ones who aren’t buried probably aren’t alive. Everything’s upside down. Dad gazes at me with sad eyes. “There must have been other people with shelters. People who were less obvious about it.” He sounds like he wishes he’d been less obvious, too.

“But they would have dug a hole, right?” I know for certain that Freak O’ Nature’s and Why Can’t You Be Like Johnny?’s and Linda’s parents didn’t dig holes for bomb shelters, and I have a feeling that if anyone else we knew had, we would have heard about it. It’s not fair. Freak O’ Nature and Why Can’t You Be Like Johnny? never did mean things to anyone and never even met a Russian… .

My thoughts are interrupted by faint grinding sounds coming from Sparky’s direction. He’s lying on the bunk, eyes closed as if he’s asleep, but his jaw works back and forth.

“Edward?” Dad whispers.

My brother doesn’t respond. He’s doing it in his sleep.

“He ever do that before?” Dad asks.

I shake my head. Dad watches him for a moment, then glances at Mom.

“She’s not going to be okay, is she?” I ask.

With his elbows on the table, Dad brings his clasped hands to his forehead like he’s praying. “I don’t know, Scott.”

But deep down, I think he does.

A slight rustling wakes me. Dad and I have fallen asleep at the table with our heads on our arms. Out of the corner of my eye, I watch Sparky quietly creep down from the bunk. I’d ask him where he’s going, but I don’t want to wake everyone.

Naked, he heads toward the toilet bucket, so I assume he just has to go. Still sleepy, my heavy eyelids are starting to close when I hear the metallic clink of the big refuse can. Sparky tips open the top and throws his dirty pajamas in.

“Mr. Porter? Mr. Porter!” Janet is sitting up, staring at Mom, who is still lying on her back on the bunk. My first thought is that the worst has happened, but then I see that her eyes are open.

“Don’t look.” Dad gets up quickly.

“Why not?” I ask.

“Because —” He stops. When Mom hears his voice, her eyes move toward him.

“Gwen?” Dad sounds hopeful and excited.

Her eyes stay on him, but she doesn’t move.

The others wake and look. Dad kneels beside Mom. “Gwen?”

No answer.

“What is it?” Mrs. Shaw whispers.

“She’s awake.” Dad tenderly strokes Mom’s cheek. “Can you hear me, sweetheart?”

But Mom’s expression remains blank.

The others slowly climb out of the bunks and gather around. Mom’s eyes move as she looks at them, but there’s no sign of recognition.

“Gwen?” Dad says again.

Her eyes go back to him.

“Gwen, nod if you can hear me.”

Mom still doesn’t react.

Dad holds a finger up in front of her face and moves it slowly left. Her eyes follow it, but when Dad moves his finger back, her gaze remains directed at the wall.