Feet of Clay

‘I could send it up to the Unseen University. They’ve built a new morphic resonator in the High Energy Magic Building. Magic would easily—’

‘Don’t do that,’ said Vimes. ‘We’ll keep the wizards out of this. Damn! For half an hour there I really thought I’d got it …’

He sat down at his desk. Something new was odd about the dwarf, but again he couldn’t quite work out what it was.

‘We’re missing something here, Littlebottom,’ he said.

‘Yes, sir.’

‘Let’s look at the facts. If you want to poison someone slowly you’ve either got to give them small doses all the time — or, at least, every day. We’ve covered everything the Patrician does. It can’t be the air in the room. You and I have been in there every day. It’s not the food, we’re pretty sure of that. Is something stinging him? Can you poison a wasp? What we need—’

‘’scuse me, sir.’

Vimes turned.

‘Detritus? I thought you were off-duty?’

‘I got dem to give me der address of dat maid called Easy like you said,’ said Detritus, stoically. ‘I went up dere and dere was people all lookin’ in.’

‘What d’you mean?’

‘Neighbours and dat. Cryin’ women all round der door. An’ I remember what you said about dat dipplo word—’

‘Diplomacy,’ said Vimes.

‘Yeah. Not shoutin’ at people an’ dat. I fought, dis look a delicate situation. Also, dey was throwin’ stuff at me. So I came back here. I writ down der address. An’ now I’m goin’ home.’ He saluted, rocked slightly from the force of the blow to the side of his head, and departed.

‘Thanks, Detritus,’ said Vimes. He looked at the paper written in the troll’s big round hand.

‘1st Floor Back, 27 Cockbill Street,’ he said. ‘Good grief!’

‘You know it, sir?’

‘Should do. I was born in that street,’ said Vimes. ‘It’s down below the Shades. Easy … Easy … Yes … Now I remember. There was a Mrs Easy down the road. Skinny woman. Did a lot of sewing. Big family. Well, we were all big families, it was the only way to keep warm …’

He frowned at the paper. It wasn’t as if it were any particular lead. Maidservants were always going off to see their mothers, every time there was the least little family upset. What was it his granny had used to say? ‘Yer son’s yer son till he takes a wife, but yer daughter’s yer daughter all yer life.’ Sending a Watchman around would almost certainly be a waste of everyone’s time …

‘Well, well … Cockbill Street,’ he said. He stared at the paper again. You might as well rename the place Memory Lane. No, you couldn’t waste Watch resources on a wild-goose chase like that. But he might look in. On his way past. Some time today.

‘Er … Littlebottom?’

‘Sir?’

‘On your … your lips. Red. Er. On your lips …’

‘Lipstick, sir.’

‘Oh … er. Lipstick? Fine. Lipstick.’

‘Constable Angua gave it to me, sir.’

‘That was kind of her,’ said Vimes. ‘I expect.’

It was called the Rats Chamber.^{68} In theory this was because of the decoration; some former resident of the palace had thought that a fresco of dancing rats would be a real decorative coup. There was a pattern of rats woven in the carpet. On the ceiling rats danced in a circle, their tails intertwining at the centre. After half an hour in that room, most people wanted a wash.

Soon, then, there would be a big rush on the hot water. The room was filling up fast.

By common consent the chair was taken and amply filled by Mrs Rosemary Palm,^{69} head of the Guild of Seamstresses[15], as one of the most senior guild leaders.

‘Quiet, please! Gentlemen!’

The noise level subsided a little.

‘Dr Downey?’ she said.

The head of the Assassins’ Guild nodded. ‘My friends, I think we are all aware of the situation—’ he began.

‘Yeah, so’s your accountant!’ said a voice in the crowd. There was a ripple of nervous laughter but it didn’t last long, because you don’t laugh too loud at someone who knows exactly how much you’re worth dead.

Dr Downey smiled. ‘I can assure you once again, gentlemen — and ladies — that I am aware of no engagement regarding Lord Vetinari. In any case, I cannot imagine that an Assassin would use poison in this case. His lordship spent some time at the Assassins’ school. He knows the uses of caution. No doubt he will recover.’

‘And if he doesn’t?’ said Mrs Palm.

‘No one lives for ever,’ said Dr Downey, in the calm voice of a man who personally knew this to be true. ‘Then, no doubt, we’ll get a new ruler.’

The room went very silent.

The word ‘Who?’ hovered silently above every head.

‘Thing is … the thing is …’ said Gerhardt Sock, head of the Butchers’ Guild, ‘it’s been … you’ve got to admit it … it’s been … well, think about some of the others …’

The words ‘Lord Snapcase, now … at least this one isn’t actually insane’ flickered in the group consciousness.

‘I have to admit,’ said Mrs Palm, ‘that under Vetinari it has certainly been safer to walk the streets—’

‘You should know, madam,’ said Mr Sock. Mrs Palm gave him an icy look. There were a few sniggers.

‘I meant that a modest payment to the Thieves’ Guild is all that is required for perfect safety,’ she finished.