Flowers for Algernon

She sipped her coffee and listened quietly as I explained how I had found out about Gimpy’s cheating, my own reaction, and the conflicting advice I’d gotten at the lab. When I finished, she sat back and shook her head. “Charlie, you amaze me. In some ways you’re so advanced, and yet when it comes to making a decision, you’re still a child. I can’t decide for you, Charlie. The answer can’t be found in books-or be solved by bringing it to other people. Not unless you want to remain a child all your life. You’ve got to find the answer inside youfeel the right thing to do. Charlie, you’ve got to learn to trust yourself.”

At first, I was annoyed at her lecture, but then suddenly -it began to make sense. “You mean, I’ve got to decide?” She nodded.

“In fact,” I said, “now that I think of it, I believe I’ve already decided some of itl I think Nemur and Strauss are both wrong!” She was watching me closely, excitedly. “Something is happening to you, Charlie. If you could only see your face.”

“You’re damned right, something is happening! A cloud of smoke was hanging in front of my eyes, and with one breath you blew it away. A simple idea. Trust myself. And it never occurred to me before.” ’`-’`’ “Charlie, you’re wonderful.”

I caught her hand and held it. “No, it’s you. You touch my eye’s and make me see.”

She blushed and pulled her hand back.

“The last time we were here,” I said, “I told you I liked you. I should have trusted myself to say I love you.”

“Don’t, Charlie. Not yet.”

“Not yet?” I shouted. “That’s what you said last time. Why not yet?”

“Shhhh… Wait a while, Charlie. Finish your studies. See where they lead you. You’re changing too fast.”

“What does that have to do with it? My feeling for you won’t change because I’m becoming intelligent. rll only love you more.”

“But you’re changing emotionally too. In a peculiar sense I’m the first woman you’ve ever been really aware of-in this way. Up to now I’ve been your teachersomeone you turn to for help and advice. You’re bound to think you’re in love with me. See other women. Give yourself more time.”

“What you’re saying is that young boys are always falling in love with their teachers, and that emotionally I’m still just a boy.”

“You’re twisting my words around. No, I don’t think of you as a boy.”

“Emotionally retarded then.”

“No.”

“Then, why?”

“Charlie, don’t push me. I don’t know. Already, you’ve gone beyond my intellectual reach. In a few months or even weeks, you’ll be a different person. When you mature intellectually, we may not be able to communicate. When you mature emotionally, you may not even want me. I’ve got to think of myself too, Charlie. Let’s wait and see. Be patient.” She was making sense, but I wasn’t letting myself lis. ten. “The other night—” I choked out, “You don’t know how much I looked forward to that date. I was out of my mind wondering how to behave, what to say, wanting to make the best impression, and terrified I might say some. thing to make you angry.”

“You didn’t make me angry. I was flattered.”

“Then, when can I see you again?”

“I have no right to let you get involved.”

“But I am involved!” I shouted, and then seeing people turn to look, I lowered my voice until it trembled with anger. “I’m a person-a man-and I can’t live with just books and tapes and electronic mazes. You say, `see other women.’ How can I when I don’t know any other women? Something inside is burning me up, and all I 65 know is it makes me think of you. I’m in the middle of a page and I see your face on it not blurred like those in my past, but clear and alive. I touch the page and your face is gone and I want to tear the book apart and throw it away.”

“Please, Charlie.. ”

“Let me see you again”

“Tomorrow at the lab.”

“You know that’s not what I mean. Away from the lab. Away from the university. Alone.”

I could tell she wanted to say yes. She was surprised by my insistence. I was surprised at myself. I only knew that I couldn’t stop pressing her. And yet there was a terror in my throat as I begged her. My palms were damp. Was I afraid she’d say no, or afraid she’d say yes? If she hadn’t broken the tension by answering me, I think I would have fainted. “All right, Charlie. Away from the lab and the university, but not alone. I don’t think we should be alone together.”

“Anywhere you say,” I gasped. “Just so I can be with you and not think of tests… statistics… questions.. answers…”

She frowned for a moment. “All right. They have free spring concerts in Central Park. Next week you can take me to one of the concerts.” When we got to her doorway, she turned quickly and kissed my cheek. “Good night, Charlie. I’m glad you called me. I’ll see you at the lab.” She closed the door and I stood outside the building and looked at the light in her apartment window until it went out. There is no question about it now. I’m in love.