Hogfather

There was a very faint ‘pop’ as Twyla took her thumb out of her mouth.

‘He’s eating a bittit,’ she said.

‘Biscuit,’ Susan corrected automatically. She started to swing the kettle in an absent-minded way.

‘A creepy bony man in a black robe!’ said Teatime, aware that things weren’t going in quite the right direction.

He spun round to face Susan. ‘You’re fidgeting with that kettle,’ he said. ‘So I expect you’re thinking of doing something creative. Put it down, please. Slowly.’

Susan knelt down gently and put the kettle on the hearth.

‘Huh, that’s not very creepy, it’s just bones,’ said Gawain dismissively. ‘And anyway Willie the groom down at the stables has promised me a real horse skull. And anyway I’m going to make a hat out of it like General Tacticus had when he wanted to frighten people. And anyway it’s just standing there. It’s not even making woo-woo noises. And anyway you’re creepy. Your eye’s weird.’

‘Really? Then let’s see how creepy I can be,’ said Teatime. Blue fire crackled along the sword as he raised it.

Susan closed her hand over the poker.

Teatime saw her start to turn. He stepped behind Death, sword raised …

Susan threw the poker overarm. It made a ripping noise as it shot through the air, and trailed sparks.

It hit Death’s robe and vanished.

He blinked.

Teatime smiled at Susan.

He turned and peered dreamily at the sword in his hand.

It fell out of his fingers.

Death turned and caught it by the handle as it tumbled, and turned its fall into an upward curve.

Teatime looked down at the poker in his chest as he folded up.

‘Oh, no,’ he said. ‘It couldn’t have gone through you. There are so many ribs and things!’

There was another ‘pop’ as Twyla extracted her thumb and said, ‘It only kills monsters.’

‘Stop time now,’ commanded Susan.

Death snapped his fingers. The room took on the greyish purple of stationary time. The clock paused its ticking.

‘You winked at me! I thought you had a plan!’

INDEED. OH, YES. I PLANNED TO SEE WHAT YOU WOULD DO.

‘Just that?’

YOU ARE VERY RESOURCEFUL. AND OF COURSE YOU HAVE HAD AN EDUCATION.

‘What?’

I DID ADD THE SPARKLY STARS AND THE NOISE, THOUGH. I THOUGHT THEY WOULD BE APPROPRIATE.

‘And if I hadn’t done anything?’

I DARESAY I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF SOMETHING. AT THE LAST MINUTE.

‘That was the last minute!’

THERE IS ALWAYS TIME FOR ANOTHER LAST MINUTE.

‘The children had to watch that!’

EDUCATIONAL. THE WORLD WILL TEACH THEM ABOUT MONSTERS SOON ENOUGH. LET THEM REMEMBER THERE’S ALWAYS THE POKER.

‘But they saw he’s human—’

I THINK THEY HAD A VERY GOOD IDEA OF WHAT HE WAS.

Death prodded the fallen Teatime with his foot.

STOP PLAYING DEAD, MISTER TEH-AH-TIM-EH.

The ghost of the Assassin sprang up like a jack-in-the-box, all slightly crazed smiles. ‘You got it right!’

OF COURSE.

Teatime began to fade.

I’LL TAKE THE BODY, said Death. THAT WILL PREVENT INCONVENIENT QUESTIONS.

‘What did he do it all for?’ said Susan. ‘I mean, why? Money? Power?’

SOME PEOPLE WILL DO ANYTHING FOR THE SHEER FASCINATION OF DOING IT, said Death. OR FOR FAME. OR BECAUSE THEY SHOULDN’T.

Death picked up the corpse and slung it over his shoulder. There was a sound of something bouncing on the hearth. He turned, and hesitated.

ER … YOU DID KNOW THE POKER WOULD GO THROUGH ME?

Susan realized she was shaking.

‘Of course. In this room it’s pretty powerful.’

YOU WERE NEVER IN ANY DOUBT?

Susan hesitated, and then smiled.

‘I was quite confident,’ she said.

AH. Her grandfather stared at her for a moment and she thought she detected just the tiniest flicker of uncertainty. OF COURSE, OF COURSE, TELL ME, ARE YOU LIKELY TO TAKE UP TEACHING ON A LARGER SCALE?

‘I hadn’t planned to.’

Death turned towards the balcony, and then seemed to remember something else. He fumbled inside his robe.

I HAVE MADE THIS FOR YOU.

She reached out and took a square of damp cardboard. Water dripped off the bottom. Somewhere in the middle, a few brown feathers seemed to have been glued on.

‘Thank you. Er … what is it?’

ALBERT SAID THERE OUGHT TO BE SNOW ON IT, BUT IT APPEARS TO HAVE MELTED, said Death. IT IS, OF COURSE, A HOGSWATCH CARD.

‘Oh …’

THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN A ROBIN ON IT AS WELL, BUT I HAD CONSIDERABLE DIFFICULTY IN GETTING IT TO STAY ON.

‘Ah …’

IT WAS NOT AT ALL CO-OPERATIVE.

‘Really …?’

IT DID NOT SEEM TO GET INTO THE HOGSWATCH SPIRIT AT ALL.

‘Oh. Er. Good. Granddad?’

YES?

‘Why? I mean, why did you do all this?’

He stood quite still for a moment, as if he was trying out sentences in his mind.

I THINK IT’S SOMETHING TO DO WITH HARVESTS, he said at last. YES. THAT’S RIGHT, AND BECAUSE HUMANS ARE SO INTERESTING THAT THEY HAVE EVEN INVENTED DULLNESS. QUITE ASTONISHING.

‘Oh.’

WELL THEN … HAPPY HOGSWATCH.

‘Yes. Happy Hogswatch.’

Death paused again, at the window.

AND GOOD NIGHT, CHILDREN … EVERYWHERE.^{96}

***

The raven fluttered down onto a log covered in snow. Its prosthetic red breast had been torn and fluttered uselessly behind it.