Hogfather

‘Not so much as a lift home,’ it muttered. ‘Look at this, willya? Snow and frozen wastes, everywhere. I couldn’t fly another damn inch. I could starve to death here, you know? Hah! People’re going on about recycling the whole time, but you just try a bit of practical ecology and they just … don’t … want … to … know. Hah! I bet a robin’d have a lift home. Oh yes.’

SQUEAK, said the Death of Rats sympathetically, and sniffed.

The raven watched the small hooded figure scrabble at the snow.

‘So I’ll just freeze to death here, shall I?’ it said gloomily. ‘A pathetic bundle of feathers with my little feet curled up with the cold. It’s not even as if I’m gonna make anyone a good meal, and let me tell you it’s a disgrace to die thin in my spec—’

It became aware that under the snow was a rather grubbier whiteness. Further scraping by the rat exposed something that could very possibly have been an ear.

The raven stared. ‘It’s a sheep!’ it said.

The Death of Rats nodded.

‘A whole sheep!’[25]

SQUEAK.

‘Oh, wow!’ said the raven, hopping forward with its eyes spinning. ‘Hey, it’s barely cool!’

The Death of Rats patted it happily on a wing.

SQUEAK-EEK. EEK-SQUEAK …

‘Why, thanks. And the same to you …’

Far, far away and a long, long time ago, a shop door opened. The little toymaker bustled in from the workshop in the rear, and then stopped, with amazing foresight, dead.

YOU HAVE A BIG WOODEN ROCKING HORSE IN THE WINDOW, said the new customer.

‘Ah, yes, yes, yes.’ The shopkeeper fiddled nervously with his square-rimmed spectacles. He hadn’t heard the bell, and this was worrying him. ‘But I’m afraid that’s just for show, that is a special order for Lord—’

NO. I WILL BUY IT.

‘No, because, you see—’

THERE ARE OTHER TOYS?

‘Yes, indeed, but—’

THEN I WILL TAKE THE HORSE. HOW MUCH WOULD THIS LORDSHIP HAVE PAID YOU?

‘Er, we’d agreed twelve dollars but—’

I WILL GIVE YOU FIFTY, said the customer.

The little shopkeeper stopped in mid-remonstrate and started up in mid-greed. There were other toys, he told himself quickly. And this customer, he thought with considerable prescience, looked like someone who did not take no for an answer and seldom even bothered to ask the question. Lord Selachii would be angry, but Lord Selachii wasn’t here. The stranger, on the other hand, was here. Incredibly here.

‘Er … well, in the circumstances … er … shall I wrap it up for you?’

NO. I WILL TAKE IT AS IT IS. THANK YOU. I WILL LEAVE VIA THE BACK WAY, IF IT’S ALL THE SAME TO YOU.

‘Er … how did you get in?’ said the shopkeeper, pulling the horse out of the window.

THROUGH THE WALL. SO MUCH MORE CONVENIENT THAN CHIMNEYS, DON’T YOU THINK?

The apparition dropped a small clinking bag on the counter and lifted the horse easily. The shopkeeper wasn’t in a position to hold on to anything. Even yesterday’s dinner was threatening to leave him.

The figure looked at the other shelves.

YOU MAKE GOOD TOYS.

‘Er … thank you.’

INCIDENTALLY, said the customer, as he left, THERE IS A SMALL BOY OUT THERE WITH HIS NOSE FROZEN TO THE WINDOW. SOME WARM WATER SHOULD DO THE TRICK.

Death walked out to where Binky was waiting in the snow and tied the toy horse behind the saddle.

ALBERT WILL BE VERY PLEASED. I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE HIS FACE. HO. HO. HO.

***

As the light of Hogswatch slid down the towers of Unseen University, the Librarian slipped into the Great Hall with some sheet music clenched firmly in his feet.

As the light of Hogswatch lit the towers of Unseen University, the Archchancellor sat down with a sigh in his study and pulled off his boots.

It had been a damn long night, no doubt about it. Lots of strange things. First time he’d ever seen the Senior Wrangler burst into tears, for one thing.

Ridcully glanced at the door to the new bathroom. Well, he’d sorted out the teething troubles, and a nice warm shower would be very refreshing. And then he could go along to the organ recital all nice and clean.

He removed his hat, and someone fell out of it with a tinkling sound. A small gnome rolled across the floor.

‘Oh, another one. I thought we’d got rid of you fellows,’ said Ridcully. ‘And what are you?’

The gnome looked at him nervously.