Hogfather

     I'LL  TAKE  THE  BODY,  said  Death.  THAT  WILL  PREVENT  INCONVENIENT

QUESTIONS.

     'What did he do it all for?' said Susan. 'I mean, why? Money? Power?'

SOME PEOPLE WILL  DO  ANYTHING FOR THE SHEER  FASCINATION OF  DOING IT,

said Death. OR FOR

     FAME. OR BECAUSE THEY SHOULDN'T.

     Death picked up the corpse and slung it  over his shoulder. There was a

sound of something bouncing on the hearth. He turned, and hesitated.

ER... YOU DID KNOW THE POKER WOULD GO THROUGH ME?

     Susan realized she was shaking.

     'Of course. In this room it's pretty powerful.'

YOU WERE NEVER IN ANY DOUBT?

     Susan hesitated, and then smiled.

     'I was quite confident,' she said.

     All. Her grandfather  stared at her  for a  moment and she thought  she

detected just the tiniest flicker of uncertainty. OF COURSE. OF COURSE. TELL

ME, ARE YOU LIKELY TO TAKE UP TEACHING ON A LARGER SCALE?

     'I hadn't planned to.'

     Death turned towards the balcony, and then seemed to remember something

else. He fumbled inside his robe.

I HAVE MADE THIS FOR YOU.

     She reached out  and took a square of damp cardboard. Water dripped off

the bottom. Somewhere in  the  middle, a  few brown feathers seemed to  have

been glued on.

     'Thank you. Er... what is it?'

ALBERT SAID THERE  OUGHT  TO  BE  SNOW ON IT, BUT  IT  APPEARS TO  HAVE

MELTED, said Death. IT

IS, OF COURSE, A HOGSWATCH CARD.

     'Oh...'

THERE  SHOULD  HAVE BEEN A ROBIN ON  IT AS WELL, BUT I HAD CONSIDERABLE

DIFFICULTY IN GETTING IT TO STAY ON.

     'Ah...

IT WAS NOT AT ALL CO-OPERATIVE.

     'Really... ?'

IT DID NOT SEEM TO GET INTO THE HOGSWATCH

SPIRIT AT ALL.

     'Oh. Er. Good. Granddad?'

YES?

     'Why? I mean, why did you do all this?'

     He stood quite still for a moment, as if he was trying out sentences in

his mind.

     I THINK IT'S  SOMETHING  TO  DO WITH HARVESTS, he  said at  last.  YES.

THAT'S  RIGHT. AND  BECAUSE HUMANS ARE SO INTERESTING THAT  THEY  HAVE  EVEN

INVENTED DULLNESS. QUITE ASTONISHING.

     'Oh.'

WELL THEN... HAPPY HOGSWATCH.

     'Yes. Happy Hogswatch.'

     Death paused again, at the window.

AND GOOD NIGHT, CHILDREN... EVERYWHERE.

     The raven fluttered down onto a log covered in snow. Its prosthetic red breast had been torn and fluttered uselessly behind it.

     'Not so much as a lift home,' it muttered. 'Look at this,  willya? Snow and  frozen wastes, everywhere. I couldn't fly another  damn  inch. I  could starve to  death here, you know? Hah! People're going on about recycling the whole time, but you just try  a  bit  of practical ecology  and they just... don't... want... to... know. Hah! I bet a robin'd have a lift home. Oh yes.'

     SQUEAK, said the Death of Rats sympathetically, and sniffed.

     The raven watched the small hooded figure scrabble at the snow.

     'So I'll just freeze to  death here, shall  l?'  it said  gloomily.  'A pathetic bundle of feathers  with my  little feet  curled up with the  cold. It's not even as if I'm gonna make  anyone a  good meal, and let me tell you it's a disgrace to die thin in my spec-'

     It became  aware that under the snow was a  rather grubbier  whiteness. Further scraping by the rat exposed something that could  very possibly have been an ear.

     The raven stared. 'It's a sheep!' it said.

     The Death of Rats nodded.

     'A whole sheep!'[24]

SQUEAK.

     'Oh, wow!'  said the raven,  hopping  forward  with its eyes  spinning. 'Hey, it's barely cool!'

     The Death of Rats patted it happily on a wing.

SQUEAK-EEK. EEK-SQUEAK...

     'Why, thanks. And the same to you... '

     Far, far away and a long, long time ago, a shop door opened. The little toymaker bustled in  from the workshop  in the rear, and then stopped,  with amazing foresight, dead.

     YOU  HAVE  A  BIG  WOODEN  ROCKING  HORSE  IN THE WINDOW, said  the new customer.

     'Ah,  yes,  yes,  yes.'  The  shopkeeper  fiddled  nervously  with  his square-rimmed spectacles. He  hadn't heard the  bell, and this  was worrying him.  'But  I'm  afraid  that's just for  show, that is  a special order for Lord...'

NO. I WILL BUY IT.

     'No, because, you see...'

THERE ARE OTHER TOYS?

     'Yes, indeed, but...'

THEN I WILL TAKE THE HORSE. HOW MUCH WOULD THIS LORDSHIP HAVE PAID YOU?

     'Er, we'd agreed twelve dollars but...'

     I WILL GIVE YOU FIFTY, said the customer.

     The  little shopkeeper stopped  in  midremonstrate and  started  up  in mid-greed.  There  were  other  toys,  he told  himself  quickly.  And  this customer, he thought with considerable prescience, looked like  someone  who did not take no for an answer and seldom even bothered to ask the  question. Lord  Selachii  would  be  angry,  but Lord Selachii wasn't here. The stranger, on the other hand, was here. Incredibly here.

     'Er... well, in the circumstances... er... shall I wrap it up for you?'

NO. I WILL TAKE IT AS IT IS. THANK  YOU. I WILL LEAVE VIA THE BACK WAY, IF IT'S ALL THE SAME TO YOU.

     'Er... how  did you get in?' said the shopkeeper, pulling the horse out of the window.

     THROUGH  THE  WALL.  SO MUCH  MORE CONVENIENT THAN  CHIMNEYS, DON'T YOU THINK?