Hogfather

     The apparition dropped a small  clinking bag on the  counter and lifted the  horse  easily.  The shopkeeper  wasn't in  a position  to  hold  on  to anything. Even yesterday's dinner was threatening to leave him.

     The figure looked at the other shelves.

YOU MAKE GOOD TOYS.

     'Er... thank you.'

     INCIDENTALLY, said  the customer, as he left, THERE  IS A SMALL BOY OUT THERE  WITH HIS  NOSE FROZEN TO THE WINDOW.  SOME  WARM  WATER SHOULD DO THE TRICK.

     Death walked  out to where Binky was waiting in  the snow and  tied the toy horse behind the saddle.

     ALBERT WILL BE VERY PLEASED. I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE HIS FACE. HO. HO. HO.

     As the  light of Hogswatch slid  down  the towers of Unseen University, the Librarian  slipped into  the Great Hall  with  some sheet music clenched firmly in his feet.

     As  the  light  of Hogswatch lit the  towers of Unseen University,  the Archchancellor sat down with a sigh in his study and pulled off his boots.

     It  had been a  damn  long  night, no  doubt  about it. Lots of strange things. First  time he'd ever seen the Senior Wrangler burst into tears, for one thing.

     Ridcully glanced at the door to the new bathroom. Well, he'd sorted out the  teething troubles, and a nice warm shower would be very refreshing. And then he could go along to the organ recital all nice and clean.

     He removed his hat, and someone fell out of it with a tinkling sound. A small gnome rolled across the floor.

     'Oh,  another one.  I  thought  we'd  got  rid  of you  fellows,'  said Ridcully. 'And what are you?'

     The gnome looked at him nervously.

     'Er... you know whenever there was another magical appearance you heard the sound of, er, bells?' it said. Its expression suggested it was owning up to something it just knew was going to get it a smack.

     .'Yes?'

     The gnome held up some rather small handbells and waved them nervously. They went glingleglingleglingle, in a very sad way.

     'Good, eh? That was me. Im the Glingleglingleglingle Fairy.'

     `Get out.'

     'I also do sparkly fairy dust effects that go twing too, if you like...

     `Go away!'

     'How  about "The Bells of  St Ungulant's"?' said the gnome desperately. 'Very seasonal. Very nice. Why not join in? It goes: ''The  bells [clong] of St [clang]... " '

     Ridcully scored  a direct  hit  with  the  rubber  duck, and the  gnome escaped through the bath overflow. Cursing and spontaneous handbell  ringing echoed away down the pipes.

     In perfect peace at last, the Archchancellor pulled off his robe.

     The organ's storage tanks were wheezing at  the rivets by the  time the Librarian  had finished  pumping. Satisfied, he knuckled his  way up to  the seat  and paused to survey, with great satisfaction, the  keyboards in front of him.

     Bloody Stupid Johnson's approach to  music was similar  to his approach in every field that was caressed by his genius in the same way that a potato field is touched by  a late frost. Make it loud, he said. Make it wide. Make it allembracing.  And thus the Great Organ of Unseen University was the only one  in  the  world  where  you  could play  an entire  symphony scored  for thunderstorm and squashed toad noises.

     Warm water cascaded off Mustrum Ridcully's pointy bathing cap.

     Mr Johnson had, surely not on purpose, designed a perfect bathroom - at least, perfect  for singing in. Echoes  and resonating pipeways smoothed out all those little imperfections and gave even the weediest singer a  rolling, dark brown voice.

     And so Ridcully sang.

     ' ...as I walked out one dadadadada for to something or other and to take the dadada, I did espy a fair pretty may-ay-den I think it was, and I...'

     The  organ pipes hummed with pent-up  energy. The Librarian cracked his knuckles. This took some time. Then he pulled the pressure release valve.

     The hum became an urgent thrumming.

     Very carefully, he let in the clutch.

     Ridcully stopped singing as  the tones of  the  organ came  through the wall.

     Bathtime music, eh? he thought. Just the job.

     It was a shame it was muffled by all the bathroom fixtures, though.

     It was at this point he espied a small lever marked `Musical pipes.

     Ridcully, never being a man  to wonder what any kind of switch did when it was so much easier  and quicker  to find out  by pulling  it, did so. But instead of the  music  he was expecting  he was rewarded simply with several large  panels sliding  silently  aside, revealing  row  upon  row  of  brass nozzles.

     The Librarian was lost now, dreaming on the wings  of music. His hands and feet danced over the keyboards,  picking their way towards the crescendo which  ended the first movement  of Bubble's Catastrophe Suite.

     One foot kicked the 'Afterburner' lever and the other spun the valve of the nitrous oxide cylinder.

     Ridcully tapped the nozzles.

     Nothing  happened. He  looked at  the controls again, and realized that he'd never pulled the little brass lever marked 'Organ Interlock`.

     He  did  so.  This  did  not  cause  a  torrent  of  pleasant  bathtime accompaniment, however. There was merely a thud and a distant gurgling which grew in volume.