Hogfather

     'I've  tried  it,' mumbled the oh god.  'It just makes me feel suicidal and sick.'

     'A mixture of mustard and horseradish?'  said  the  Chair of Indefinite Studies. 'In cream, for preference. With anchovies.'

     'Yoghurt' said the Bursar.

     Ridcully looked at him, surprised.

     'That sounded almost relevant,' he said.  'Well done. I should leave it at that if I were you, Bursar. Hmm. Of course, my uncle always used to swear at Wow-Wow Sauce,' he added.

     'You mean swear by, surely?' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.

     'Possibly both,' said Ridcully. 'I know he once drank a whole bottle of it as  a hangover cure  and it certainly seemed to cure him. He looked  very peaceful when they came to lay him out.'

     'Willow bark' said the Bursar.

     'That's a  good idea,'  said  the  Lecturer in  Recent Runes.  'It's an analgesic.'

     'Really? Well, possibly, though it's probably better to give it to  him by mouth,' said Ridcully. 'I say, are you feeling yourself, Bursar? You seem somewhat coherent.'

     The oh god opened his crusted eyes.

     'Will all that stuff help?' he mumbled.

     'It'll probably kill you,' said Susan.

     'Oh. Good.'

     'We could add Englebert's Enhancer,' said the Dean. 'Remember when Modo put some on his peas? We could only manage one each!'

     'Can't  you do something  more,  well, magical?' said Susan. 'Magic the alcohol out of him or something?'

     'Yes, but it's not alcohol by  this time, is it?' said Ridcully. 'It'll have turned  into a  lot of  nasty  little poisons  all dancin' round on his liver.'

     'Spold's Unstirring Divisor  would  do it,' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes. 'Very simply, too.  You'd end up with a large beaker full  of all the nastiness. Not difficult at all, if you don't mind the side effects.'

     'Tell me  about  the side  effects,'  said Susan,  who had  met wizards before.

     'The main one is that the rest of him would end up in a somewhat larger beaker,' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.

     'Alive?'

     The Lecturer in Recent Runes screwed up his face and waggled his hands. 'Broadly, yes,' he said. 'Living tissue, certainly. And definitely sober.'

     'I think we had  in  mind something that would leave him the same shape and still breathing,' said Susan.

     'Well, you might've said . . .'

     Then  the Dean repeated the mantra that has had such a marked effect on the progress of knowledge throughout the ages.

     'Why don't we  just mix up absolutely everything and see what happens?' he said.

     And Ridcully responded with the traditional response.

     'It's got to be worth a try,' he said.

     The big glass beaker for  the cure had been placed on a pedestal in the middle of the  floor. The wizards liked to make a ceremony  of everything in any  case,  but felt  instinctively that  if they  were going,  to cure  the biggest hangover in the world it needed to be done with style.

     Susan and  Bilious watched as  the ingredients  were added. Round about halfway the mixture,  which was  an orange- brown colour, went gloop. 'Not a lot of improvement, I feel,' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.

     Englebert's Enhancer was the penultimate ingredient.  The  Dean dropped in a greenish ball of light that sank under the surface. The  only apparent effect was  that  it  caused purple bubbles to creep  over  the sides of the beaker and drip onto the floor.

     'That's it?' said the oh god.

     'I think the yoghurt probably wasn't a good idea,' said the Dean.

     'I'm not drinking that,'  said Bilious firmly, and then clutched at his head.

     'But gods are practically unkillable, aren't they?' said the Dean.

     'Oh, good,' muttered Bilious. 'Why not stick my legs in a meat grinder, then?'

     'Well, if you think it might help ...'

     'I  anticipated a certain  amount of resistance from the patient,' said the  Archchancellor. He removed his  hat and fished out a small crystal ball from a pocket in the lining. 'Let's see what the God of Wine is up to at the moment, shall we? Shouldn't be  too difficult to locate a funloving god like him on an evening like this ...'

     He blew on the glass and polished it. Then he brightened up.

     'Why, here he is, the  little  rascal! On Dunmanifestin, I  do believe. Yes ... yes ... reclining on his couch, surrounded by naked maenads.'

     'What? Maniacs?' said the Dean.

     'He means ... excitable  young women,' said Susan. And it seemed to her that  there was a  general  ripple  of movement among the wizards, a sort of nonchalant drawing towards the glittering ball.

     'Can't quite see what he's doing said

     Ridcully.

     'Let me see if I can make it out,' said the Chair of Indefinite Studies hopefully. Ridcully half turned to keep the ball out of his reach.

     'Ah., yes,' he said. 'It looks like he's drinking ... yes, could very wen be lager and blackcurrant, if I'm any judge ...'

     'Oh, me . . .' moaned the oh god.

     'These young women, now--' the Lecturer in Recent Runes began.

     'I  can see there's some bottles  on  the table,'  Ridcully  continued. 'That one,  hmm,  yes,  could be  scumble which, as  you  know, is made from apple ...'

     'Mainly  apples,' the Dean  volunteered. 'Now,  about  these  poor  mad girls ...'