Hogfather

     'I saw this in Bows  and Ammo!  It got Editor's Choice in the  'What to Buy  When  Rich Uncle Sidney  Dies" category!  They  had to  break  both the reviewer's arms to get him to let go of it!'

     ' ...ought to be commemorated in a small service of...'

     'It must cost more'n a year's salary! They  only make 'em to order! You have to wait ages!'

     '...religious significance.' It dawned on Constable Visit that  something behind him was amiss.

     'Aren't we going to arrest this impostor, corporal?' he said.

     Corporal Nobbs looked blearily  at him through  the mists of possessive pride.

     'You're foreign, Washpot,' he said. 'I can't expect you to know the real meaning of Hogswatch.'

     The oh god blinked.

     'Ah,'  he  said.  'That's better. Oh, yes. That's  a lot better.  Thank you.'

     The wizards,  who shared the  raven's belief in the essential narrative conventions of life, watched him cautiously.

     'Any minute now,' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes confidently, 'it'll probably start with some kind of amusing yell...'

     'You know,' said  the oh god, 'I  think  I could  just  possibly eat  a soft-boiled egg.'

     '...or maybe the cars spinning round...'

     'And perhaps drink a glass of milk' said the oh god.

     Ridcully looked nonplussed.

     'You really feel better?' he said.

     'Oh,  yes,'  said  the oh god. 'I  really think  I  could  risk a smile without the top of my head falling off.'

     'No, no, no,'  said the Dean. 'This can't be right. Everyone knows that a  good hangover  cure  has  got  to  involve  a lot  of  humorous shouting, ekcetra.'

     'I could possibly tell you a joke,' said the oh god carefully.

     'You don't  have this pressing urge to  run outside and stick your head in a water butt?' said Ridcully.

     'Er ...  not really,'  said the oh god. 'But I'd like  some toast, if that helps.'

     The Dean took  off  his hat and  pulled a thaumameter out of the point. 'Something happened,' he said. 'There was a massive thaumic surge.'

     'Didn't it even taste a bit ... well, spicy?' said Ridcully.

     'It didn't taste of anything, really,' said the oh god.

     'Oh, look, it's obvious,' said  Susan. 'When the  God  of Wine  drinks, Bilious here gets the aftereffects, so when the God of  Hangovers  drinks  a hangover cure then the effects must jump back across the same link.'

     'That could be right,' said the  Dean. 'He is,  after  all, basically a conduit.'

     'I've always thought of myself as more of a tube,' said the oh god.

     'No, no, she's right,' said Ridcully. 'When  he drinks,  this  lad here gets the nasty result. So, logically, when our  friend here takes a hangover cure the side effects should head back the same way--'

     'Someone mentioned a crystal ball just now,' said the oh god in a voice suddenly clanging with vengeance. 'I want to see this ...'

     It was  a big drink.  A very  big  and a very long drink. It was one of those  special cocktails where  each very sticky, very strong ingredient  is poured in very slowly, so that they layer on top of one another.  Drinks like  this  tend  to  get  called  Traffic  Lights  or Rainbow's Revenge or, in places where truth is more highly valued, Hello and Goodbye, Mr Brain Cell.

     In addition, this drink had some lettuce floating in it. And a slice of lemon and a piece of pineapple hooked coquettishly on the side of the glass, which had sugar frosted round the  rim.  There were two paper umbrellas, one pink and one blue, and they each had a cherry on the end.

     And someone had taken the  trouble  to freeze ice cubes in the shape of little elephants. After that, there's no hope. You might as well be drinking in a place called the Cococobana.

     The God of Wine picked it up lovingly. It was his kind of drink.

     There was a rumba going on in the background. There were also a  couple of young ladies snuggling up to him. It was going to be a good night. It was always a good night.

     'Happy Hogswatch, everyone!' he said, and raised the glass.

     And then: 'Can anyone hear something?'

     Someone blew a paper squeaker at him.

     'No, seriously ... like a sort of descending note

     Since no one paid this any attention he shrugged, and nudged one of his fellow drinkers.

     'How about we have a couple more and go to this club I know?' he said.

     And then.......

     The wizards leaned back, and one or two of them grimaced.

     Only the oh god stayed glued to the glass, face contorted  in a vicious smile.

     'We have eructation!' he shouted, and punched the  air. 'Yes! Yes! Yes! The worm  is on  the other boot  now, eh? Hah! How do you like  them apples, huh?'

     'Well, mainly apples--' said the Dean.

     'Looked like a lot of other things  to me,' said Ridcully. 'It seems we have reversed the cause-effect flow . . .'

     'Will it be permanent?' said the oh god hopefully.

     'I shouldn't think so.  After all, you are the God  of Hangovers. It'll probably just reverse itself again when the potion wears off.'