Hogfather

     'See? Bursar Disease,' said Ridcully. 'The bee's knees when it comes to adding up, the pig's  ear at everything else.  Try  giving  him  dried  frog pills?'

     'Sorry, sir, but  that  is a  very uninformed suggestion,' said Ponder. 'You can't give medicine to machines.'

     'Don't see  why not,'  said  Ridcully. He banged on the  tube again and bellowed, 'SOON  HAVE YOU BACK ON  YOUR ... your ...  yes, indeed, old chap! Where's that board with all the letter and  number buttons, Mr Stibbons? Ah, good.'  He sat  down  and  typed,  with one finger, as slowly as  a  company chairman:

D-R-Y-D-F-R-O-R-G-?-P-I-L-L-S

     Hex's pipes jangled.

     'That can't possibly work sir,' said Ponder.

     'It ought to,' said Ridcully. 'If he can get the idea of being ill, he can get the idea of being cured.'

     He typed: L-O-T-S-O-F-D-R-Y-D-F-R-O-R-C-P- ?-L-L-S

     'Seems to  me' ' he  said, `that  this thing  believes  what it's told, right?'

     'Well, it's  true that Hex has, if you want to put it that way, no idea of an untruth.'

     `Right.  Well, I've  just told  the  thing it's had a lot of dried frog pills. It's not going to call me a liar, is it?'

     There was some clickings and whirrings within the structure of Hex.

     Then  it wrote: +++ Good Evening,  Archchancellor. I Am Fully Recovered And Enthusiastic About My Tasks +++

     'Not mad, then?'

     +++ I Assure You I Am As Sane As The Next Man +++

     'Bursar, just move away from the machine, will you?' said Ridcully. 'Oh well, I expect it's the best we're going to get. Right, let's get  all  this sorted out. We want to find out what's going on.'

     'Anywhere  specific  or  just   everywhere?'  said  Ponder,  a shade sarcastically.

     There was a scratching noise from Hex's  pen.  Ridcully glanced down at the paper.

     'Says here "Implied  Creation Of  Anthropomorphic Personification",' he said. 'What's that mean?'

     'Er ... I think Hex has tried to work out the answer,' said Ponder.

     'Has it, bigods? I hadn't even worked out what the question was yet ...'

     'It heard you talking, sir.'

     Ridcully raised his eyebrows. Then he leaned down  towards the speaking tube.

     'CAN YOU HEAR ME IN THERE?'

     The pen scratched.

     +++ Yes +++

     'LOOKIN' AFTER YOU ALL RIGHT, ARE THEY?'

     'You don't have to shout, Archchancellor,' said Ponder.

     'What's this Implied Creation, then?' said Ridcully.

     'Er, I think I've heard of  it, Archchancellor,' said Ponder. 'It means the  existence  of some  things  automatically brings  into existence  other things. If some things exist, certain other things have to exist as well.'

     'Like...  crime and  punishment, say?'  said  Ridcully.  'Drinking  and hangovers ... of course. .

     'Something like that, sir, yes.'

     'So  ...  if there's a Tooth Fairy there has  to be  a  Verruca Gnome?' Ridcully stroked his beard. 'Makes a sort of sense, I suppose. But why not a Wisdom Tooth  Goblin? You know, bringing them extra ones?  Some little devil with a bag of big teeth?'

     There was silence. But in the depths of  the silence there was a little tingly fairy bell sound.

     'Er ... do you think I might have---' Ridcully began.

     'Sounds logical to me,' said the Senior Wrangler. 'I remember the agony I had when my wisdom teeth came through.'

     'Last week?' said the Dean, and smirked.

     'Ah,' said Ridcully.  He didn't look  embarrassed because  people  like Ridcully are never,  ever embarrassed about  anything, although often people are embarrassed on their behalf. He bent down to the ear Hex again.

     'YOU STILL IN THERE?'

     Ponder Stibbons rolled his eyes.

     'MIND TELLING US WHAT THE REALITY IS LW ROUND HERE?'

     The pen wrote: +++ On A Scale Of One To Ten Query +++

     FINE,' Ridcully shouted.

     ++ Divide By Cucumber Error. Please Reinstall Universe And Reboot +++

     'Interestin',' said Ridcully. 'Anyone know what that means?'

     'Damn,' said Ponder. 'It's crashed again.'

     Ridcully looked mystified. 'Has it? I never even saw it take off.'

     'I mean its ... its sort of gone a little bit mad,' said Ponder.

     'Ah,' said Ridcully. 'Well, we're experts at that around here.'

     He thumped on the drum again.

     'WANT SOME MORE DRIED FROG PILLS, OLD CHAP?' he shouted.

     'Er, I should  let us sort it out, Archchancellor,' said Ponder, trying to steer him away.

     'What does "divide by cucumber" mean?' said Ridcully.

     'Oh,  Hex  just  says that if it comes up with an answer  that it knows can't possibly be real,' said Ponder.

     'And this "rebooting" business? Give it a good kicking, do you?'

     'Oh, no, of course,  we ... that  is ...  well,  yes,  in  fact,'  said Ponder.  'Adrian goes round the back and ... er ... prods it with  his foot. But in a technical way,' he added.

     'Ah. I think  I'm getting the hang of  this thinkin' engine  business,' said Ridcully cheerfully. 'So it reckons the universe needs a  kicking, does it?'

     Hex's  pen  was  scratching  across  the paper. Ponder  glanced at  the figures.

     'It must do. These figures can't be right!'

     Ridcully grinned again. 'You mean either the whole world has gone wrong or your machine is wrong?'

     'Yes!'

     'Then  I'd  imagine  the  answer's  pretty  easy,  wouldn't you?'  said Ridcully.