Hogfather

     'Yes. It  certainly  is. Hex  gets  thoroughly tested every day,'  said Ponder Stibbons.

     'Good point, that  man,' said  Ridcully. He banged  on Hex's  listening tube once more.

     'YOU DOWN THERE...'

     'You really don't need to shout, Archchancellor,' said Ponder.

     ...what's this Anthropomorphic Personification, then?'

     +++  Humans  Have  Always  Ascribed   Random,  Seasonal,   Natural   Or Inexplicable Actions  To HumanShaped Entities. Such Examples Are jack Frost, The Hogfather, The Tooth Fairy And Death +++

     'Oh, them. Yes, but they exist,' said  Ridcully. 'Met  a couple of  'em myself.'

     +++ Humans Are Not Always Wrong +++

     'All right, but I'm  damn sure there's  never been an Eater of Socks or God of Hangovers.'

     +++ But There Is No Reason Why There Should Not Be +++

     'The thing's right, you know,' said  the  Lecturer in  Recent Runes. 'A little man who carries verrucas around  is  no more ridiculous than  someone who takes away children's teeth for money, when you come to think about it.'

     'Yes, but what about the Eater of  Socks?' said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. 'Bursar just said he always thought  something was eating his socks and, bingo, there it was.'

     'But  we all believed him, didn't we? I know I did. Seems like the best possible explanation for all the socks I've lost over the years.  I mean, if they'd  just fallen  down the  back  of the drawer or something there'd be a mountain of the things by now.'

     'I know what you mean,' said Ponder. 'It's  like  pencils. I  must have bought hundreds of pencils over the years, but how many have I ever actually worn down to the  stub? Even  I've caught myself thinking  that  something's creeping up and eating them ...'

     There was a faint glingleglingle noise. He froze. 'What  was that?'  he said. 'Should I look round? Will I see something horrible?'

     'Looks like a very puzzled bird,' said Ridcully.

     'With a very odd-shaped beak,' said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.

     'I  wish I  knew who's  making that bloody  tinkling noise,'  said  the Archchancellor.

     The oh god  listened attentively. Susan  was amazed. He didn't seem  to disbelieve  anything. She'd never been able to talk  like this  before,  and said so.

     'I think that's because I haven't got any preconceived ideas,' said the oh god. 'It comes of not having been conceived, probably.'

     'Well,  that's  how  it is, anyway,' said  Susan. 'Obviously I  haven't inherited . . . physical characteristics. I suppose I just look at the world in a certain way.'

     'What way?'

     'It ... doesn't always present barriers. Like this, for example.'

     She dosed  her eyes. She felt  better  if she didn't see what  she  was doing. Part of her would keep on insisting it was impossible.

     All she felt was a faintly cold, prickling sensation.

     'What did I just do?' she said, her eyes still shut.

     'Er . . . you waved your hand through the table,' said the oh god.

     'You see?'

     'Um ... I assume that most humans can't do that?'

     'No!"

     'You don't have to shout. I'm not very experienced about  humans, am I? Apart from around the point the sun shines through the gap in the curtains. And  then they're mainly wishing that the ground would  open up  and swallow them. I mean the humans, not the curtains.'

     Susan leaned back in her chair - and knew that a tiny part of her brain was  saying, yes, there is a  chair here, it's  a real thing, you can sit on it.

     'There's other things,'  she said.  'I can remember things. Things that haven't happened yet.'

     'Isn't that useful?'

     'No! Because I never know what  they -  look, it's like  looking at the future through a keyhole. You see bits of  things  but you never really know what they mean until you  arrive where they are  and  see where the bit fits in.'

     'That could be a problem,' said the oh god politely.

     'Believe  me. Its the waiting that's  the worst part. You keep watching out for one of the bits to go past. I mean I don't usually remember anything useful  about  the future, just twisted  little  dues that don't  make sense until it's too late.  Are  you sure you don't know why you turned  up at the Hogfather's castle?'

     'No. I just remember being a ... well, can you      understand what I mean by a disembodied mind?'

     'Oh, yes.'

     'Good. Now  can you understand what I mean by a  disembodied headache? And  then, next moment, I was lying on a back I didn't used to have in a lot of cold white stuff I'd never  seen before. But I suppose if you're going to pop into existence, you've got to do it somewhere.'

     'Somewhere where someone else,  who should have existed, didn't,'  said Susan, half to herself.

     'Pardon?'

     'The Hogfather wasn't there.' said Susan. 'He shouldn't have been there anyway, not tonight,  but  this time  he wasn't there  not  because  he  was somewhere else but  because he wasn't anywhere any more. Even his castle was vanishing.'

     'I  expect I  shall  get the hang of  this incarnation business as I go along,' said the oh god.

     'Most  people ...' Susan began. A shudder ran through her body. 'Oh, no. What's he doing? WHAT'S HE DOING?'

A JOB WELL DONE, I FANCY.