Hogfather

     'They could be very old eyeballs,' said the raven defiantly. 'Sometimes they go like that ...'

     SQUEAK, said the Death of Rats, who was halfway through a cheese.

     '...And  not  so much  of  the  stupid,'  said the  raven.  'Corvids  are exceptionally bright with reasoning      and, in the case of some forest species, tool-using abilities!'

     'Oh, so you are an expert on ravens, are you?' said Susan.

     'Madam, I happen to be a ...'

     SQUEAK, said the Death of Rats again.

     They both turned. It was pointing at its grey teeth.

     'The Tooth Fairy?' said Susan. 'What about her?'

SQUEAK.

     `Rows of teeth,' said the oh god  again. 'Like ... rows,  you  know? What's the Tooth Fairy?'

     'Oh, you  see  her around a  lot  these days,'  said Susan.  'Or  them, rather. Its a sort of franchise operation. You get the ladder, the moneybelt and the pliers and you're set up.'

     'Pliers?'

     'If she  can't make change she has  to take an extra tooth  on account. But, look, the tooth fairies are harmless  enough. I've met  one  or  two of them. They're just working girls. They don't menace anyone.'

SQUEAK.

     'I just hope Grandfather doesn't take it into his head to do  their job as well. Good grief, the thought of it ...'

     'They collect teeth?'

     'Yes. Obviously.'

     'Why?'

     'Why? It's their job.'

     'I meant why, where do they take the teeth after they collect them?'

     'I don't  know! They just ... well, they just  take the teeth and leave the money,' said Susan. 'What sort of question is that - 'Where do they take the teeth?'?'

     'I just wondered, that's all. Probably  all humans  know, I'm  probably very silly for asking, it's probably a wellknown fact.'

     Susan looked thoughtfully at the Death of Rats.

     'Actually ... where do they take the teeth?'

SQUEAK?

     'He says search  him,' said the raven. 'Maybe they sell 'em?' It pecked at another jar. 'How about these, these look nice and wrinkl...'

     'Pickled  walnuts,'  said Susan  absently.  'What  do they  do with the teeth? What  use is there for a lot  of teeth? But ... what harm can a tooth fairy do?'

     'Have we got time to find one and ask her?' said the oh god.

     'Time isn't the problem,' said Susan.

     There are those who believe knowledge is something that is acquired - a precious ore hacked, as it were, from the grey strata of ignorance.

     There are those who  believe that knowledge  can only be recalled, that there was some Golden Age in the distant past when  everything was known and the stones fitted together so you could hardly put a knife between them, you know, and it's  obvious  they had  flying machines, right, because of the way the earthworks can only be seen from above, yeah? and there's this museum I read about where they found a pocket calculator under the  altar of this  ancient temple, you know what I'm saying? but the government hushed it up ... [18]

     Mustrum  Ridcully believed that knowledge could be acquired by shouting at people, and was endeavouring to do  so.  The wizards were sitting  around the Uncommon Room table, which was piled high with books.

     'It  is  Hogswatch,   Archchancellor,'  said  the  Dean  reproachfully, thumbing through an ancient volume.

     'Not until midnight,' said  Ridcully. 'Sortin'  this  out will give you fellows an appetite for your dinner.'

     'I think  I might have something,  Archchancellor,' said the Chair of Indefinite Studies. 'This is Woddeley's Basic Gods. There's some stuff  here about lares and penates that seems to it the bill.'

     'Lares  and  penates?  What were  they  when they  were  at home?' said Ridcully.

     'Hahaha,' said the Chair.

     'What?' said Ridcully.

     'I  thought you were making a rather  good joke, Archchancellor,'  said the Chair.

     'Was I? I didn't mean to,' said Ridcully.

     'Nothing new there,' said the Dean, under his breath.

     'What was that, Dean?'

     'Nothing, Archchancellor.'

     'I thought  you made the reference "at home" because they are, in fact, household gods. Or were, rather. They  seemed  to have faded away  long ago. They were ... little spirits of the house, like, for example ...'

     Three of the  other wizards, thinking  quite fast for wizards, clapped their hands over his mouth.

     'Careful!'  said Ridcully.  'Careless  talk creates lives!  That's  why we've got  a big fat God of Indigestion being ill in the privy. By the way, where's the Bursar?'

     'He was  in  the  privy, Archchancellor,'  said the Lecturer  in Recent Runes.

    'What, when the ...?'

     'Yes, Archchancellor.'

     'Oh,  well,  Im  sure  he'll  be  all  right,' said  Ridcully,  in  the matter-of-fact  voice of  someone  contemplating something  nasty  that  was happening to someone else out  of  earshot.  'But we  don't want any more of these ... what're they, Chair?'

     'Lares and penates, Archchancellor, but I wasn't suggesting ...'

     'Seems dear to  me. Something's  gone wrong and these little devils are coming back.  All  we have to do  is find out  what's gone wrong  and put it right.'

     'Oh, well, I'm glad that's all sorted out,' said the Dean.