Hogfather

     They  slipped  out on to  the stairs again  and managed another flight. There were more rooms here,  and in each one a cabinet that had been  broken open.

     Shadows moved in  the corners. The effect was as  though some invisible light source was gently shifting.

     'This reminds me a lot of  your... um... of your  grandfather's place,' said the oh god.

     'I know,' said Susan.  'There aren't any rules except the ones he makes up as he goes along. I can't  see him being very happy if someone got in and started pulling the library apart...'

     She stopped. When she spoke again her voice had a different tone.

     'This is a children's place,'  she said.  'The  rules are what children believe.'

     'Well, that's a relief.'

     'You think so? Things aren't going to be right. In the Soul Cake Duck's country ducks can lay chocolate eggs,  in  the same  way  that  Death's country  is black and sombre because that's what people believe. He's very conventional about that sort of thing.  Skull  and bone decorations  all  over the  place. And  this place...'

     'Pretty flowers and an odd sky.'

     'I think it's going to be a lot worse than that. And very odd, too.'

     'More odd than it is now?'

     'I don't think it's possible to die here.'

     'That man who fell down the stairs looked pretty dead to me.'

     'Oh, you die. But not here. You... let's see... yes... you go somewhere else. Away. You're just  not seen any  more. That's about all you understand when you're three. Grandfather  said it wasn't like that fifty years ago. He said you often couldn't see the bed for everyone having a good cry. Now they just tell the  child that Grandma's gone. For three weeks  Twyla thought her uncle'd  been  buried in the sad patch  behind the  garden shed  along  with Buster and Meepo and all three Bulgies.'

     'Three Bulgies?'

     'Gerbils. They tend to die a lot,' said Susan. 'The trick is to replace them when she's not looking. You really don't know anything, do you?'

     'Er... hello?'

     The voice came from the corridor.

     They worked their way round to the next room.

     There, sitting on the floor and tied to the leg of a white display  case, was Violet. She  looked up  in apprehension, and then in bewilderment, and finally in growing recognition.

     'Aren't you...?'

     'Yes, yes, we see each other sometimes in Biers, and when you came  for Twyla's last tooth you  were so shocked that I could see  you I  had to give you  a drink  to get your nerves back,' said Susan, fumbling with the ropes. 'I don't think we've got a lot of time.'

     'And who's he?'

     The oh god tried to push his lank hair into place.

     'Oh, he's just a god,' said Susan. 'His name's Bilious.'

     'Do you drink at all?' said the oh god.

     'What sort of quest-'

     'He needs  to know before he decides whether he hates you or not,' said Susan. 'It's a god thing.'

     'No, I don't,' said Violet. 'What an idea. I've got the blue ribbon!'

     The oh god raised his eyebrows at Susan.

     'That  means  she's a  member  of Offler's League  of Temperance,' said Susan.  'They  sign a pledge not to  touch alcohol. I  can't  think  why. Of course,  Offler's  a crocodile. They  don't  go in bars  much. They're  into water.'

     'Not touch alcohol at all?' said the oh god.

     'Never!' said Violet. 'My dad's very strict about that sort of thing!'

     After a moment  Susan  felt forced to  wave  a hand across their locked gaze.

     'Can we get on?' she said. 'Good. Who brought you here, Violet?'

     'I don't know! I was doing  the collection as usual, and then I thought I  heard someone following me, and then it all went dark, and when I came to we were... Have you seen what it's like outside?'

     'Yes.'

     'Well, we were  there. The  big one was carrying me.  The one they call Banjo. He's not bad, just a bit... odd. Sort of... slow. He just watches me. The others are thugs. Watch out  for the one with the glass eye. They're all afraid of him. Except Banjo.'

     'Class eye?'

     'He's dressed like an Assassin. He's  called Teatime. I  think  they're trying to steal something... They  spent ages carting  the teeth out. Little teeth everywhere...  It  was horrible! Thank you,' she added  to the oh god, who had helped her on to her feet.

     'They've piled them up in a magic circle downstairs,' said Susan.

     Violet's eyes and mouth formed  three Os. It was like looking at a pink bowling ball.

     'What for?'

     'I think they're using them to control the children. By magic.'

     Violet's mouth opened wider.

     'That's horrid.'

     Horrible, thought Susan. The word is 'horrible'. 'Horrid' is a childish word selected to impress nearby males with one's fragility, if  I'm any judge. She  knew  it was unkind and counterproductive of her to think like that. She also knew it was probably an accurate observation, which only made it worse.

     'Yes,' she said.

     'There was a wizard! He's got a pointy hat!'

     'I think we should get her out of here,' said the oh god, in a tone  of voice that Susan considered was altogether too dramatic.

     'Good idea,' she conceded. 'Let's go.'

     Catseye's boots  had snapped their laces. It was as if he'd been pulled upwards so fast they simply couldn't keep up.