Hogfather

     'What'd you say about our mam?' he whispered.

     Now he's having to concentrate on three people, Susan thought.

     'I bet no one ever played with you,' she said. 'I bet there were things people had to hush up, eh?'

     'Banjo! You do what I tell you!' Teatime screamed.

     The monstrous man was beside her now. She could see his face twisted in an  agony  of  indecision. His enormous fists clenched and undenched and his lips moved as some kind of horrible debate raged in his head.

     'Our... our mam... our mam said ...

     The  grey marks flowed  across  the  floor  and formed a pool of shadow which grew  darker  and higher  with astonishing speed. It towered over  the three men, and grew a shape.

     'Have you been a bad boy, you little perisher?'

     The huge  woman towered over all three men. In one  meaty  hand  it was holding a bundle of birch twigs as thick as a man's arm.

     The thing growled.

     Medium  Dave looked up  into  the enormous face of Ma  Lilywhite. Every pore was a pothole. Every brown tooth was a tombstone.

     'You  been letting  him get  into trouble,  our  Davey? You have, ain't you?'

     He backed away. 'No, Mum... no, Mum. .

     'You need a good hiding, Banjo? You been playing with girls again?'

     Banjo sagged on to his knees, tears of misery rolling down his face.

     'Sorry Mum sorry sorry Mum noooohhh Mum sorry Mum sorry sorry...'

     Then the figure turned to Medium Dave again.

     The sword dropped out of his hand. His face seemed to melt.

     Medium Dave started to cry.

     'No Mum no Mum no Mum nooooh Mum...'

     He gave a gurgle and collapsed, clutching his chest. And vanished.

     Teatime started to laugh.

     Susan tapped him on  the shoulder and  ' as he looked round, hit him as hard as she could across the face.

     That was the plan,  at  least.  His  hand moved  faster  and caught her wrist. It was like striking an iron bar.

     'Oh, no,' he said. 'I don't think so.'

     Out  of the corner of her eye Susan saw Banjo crawling across the floor to where his brother had been. Ma Lilywhite had vanished.

     'This place gets into your head, doesn't it?' Teatime  said.  'It pokes around to find out  how to deal with you. Well, I'm in  touch with  my inner child.'

     He reached out with his other hand  and grabbed  her  hair, pulling her head down.

     Susan screamed.

     'And it's much more fun,' he whispered.

     Susan felt his grip lessen. There was a wet thump like a piece of steak hitting a slab and Teatime went past her, on his back.

     'No pullin' girls' hair,' rumbled Banjo. 'That's bad.'

     Teatime bounced, up like an acrobat and steadied himself on the railing of the stairwell.

     Then he drew the sword.

     The blade was invisible in the bright light of the tower.

     'It's true what the stories say, then,' he said. 'So thin you can't see it. I'm going to have such fun with it.' He waved it at them. 'So light.'

     'You wouldn't dare use it. My  grandfather  will come after you,'  said Susan, walking towards him.

     She saw one eye twitch.

     'He comes after everyone. But I'll be ready for him,' said Teatime.

     'He's very single-minded,' said Susan, closer now.

     'Ah, a man after my own heart.'

     'Could be, Mister Teatime.'

     He brought the sword around. She didn't even have time to duck.

     And she didn't even try to when he swung the sword back again.

     'It doesn't work here,' she said, as he stared at it in  astonishment.  'The blade doesn't  exist here. There's no  Death here!'

     She slapped him across the face.

     'Hi!' she said brightly. 'I'm the inner babysitter!'

     She didn't punch. She just thrust  out an arm, palm first, catching him under the chin and lifting him backwards over the rail.

     He  somersaulted.  She  never knew how.  He  somehow  managed  to  gain purchase on clear air.

     His free arm grabbed at hers, her feet came off the ground, and she was over  the  rail.  She  caught it with her  other hand -  although later  she wondered if the rail hadn't managed to catch her instead.

     Teatime  swung  from  her  arm,  staring  upwards   with  a  thoughtful expression. She saw him grip the sword  hilt in his teeth and reach down  to his belt

     The question 'Is this person  mad enough to try to kill someone holding him?' was asked  and answered very, very fast... She kicked down and hit him on the ear.

     The  cloth  of her sleeve  began to tear. Teatime  tried to get another grip.  She  kicked again  and the dress ripped. For an instant he held on to nothing and then, still wearing the  expression of someone trying to solve a complex problem, he fell away, spinning, getting smaller...

     He hit the pile of teeth, sending  them splashing across the marble. He jerked for a moment...

     And vanished.

     A hand like a bunch of bananas pulled Susan back over the rail.

     'You can get into trouble, hittin' girls,' said Banjo. 'No playin' with girls.'

     There was a click behind them.

     The doors had swung open. Cold white mist rolled out across the floor.

     'Our mam---' said Banjo, trying to work things out. 'Our mam was here...'

     'Yes,' said Susan.

     'But it weren't our mam, 'cos they buried our mam...'

     'Yes.'

     'We watched 'em fill in the grave and everything.'