In Laymon's Terms

The sun was starting to set. I was beginning to think I’d passed this one big cactus about a million times. I was definitely wasting my time and my dad’s gasoline, which no doubt had been paid for by the good citizens of our fair city.

Then Rooster suddenly shouted, “Shit! Look over there! To the left, see it? Between that dead tree and that boulder!”

I had to squint. My eyes weren’t that good even with my glasses, but I could see what the big guy was talking about. It looked like some sort of opening in the side of a rocky hill. Hell, maybe it was the long-forgotten cave of Baron Draconi. Or more to the point, maybe I’d get to bump against Raven’s butt in the darkness. Or brush against her majestic gothic ta-tas.

I drove toward the hill, and the opening began to look more and more like the mouth of a mine, with two wooden beams on either side and one across the top.

Draconi’s mine? Was the vampire Baron also a prospector, looking for gold? The idea seemed more preposterous than ever—and it was ridiculous to start with.

I stopped the van.

“This is it,” Raven said, breathy with excitement.

“This isn’t a cave,” Rooster said. “I think it’s a...a...one of those tunnels you get gold out of.”

“Mine,” I said.

“It belongs to you?” Shakes said. “God, you rich kids get all the cool stuff. So if it’s yours, how come it took you so long to find the place?”

“No...” I shook my head. “It’s a mine, as in: let’s go dig in the mine.”

“A cave, a mine—it’s dark and cool. The perfect place for a vampire,” Raven whispered.

“It’s so mysteriously delicious,” Lady Katrina said in a low purring tone. I wouldn’t have minded rubbing against her in the dark, too—so long as I didn’t get gouged by any of her body piercings.

The Goth gang had brought some matches and candles. Long, white, delicately tapered dinner-table candles. Fortunately, I’d brought a flashlight and some extra batteries. So I became the self-appointed leader of the expedition, even though that meant I couldn’t bump or rub against Raven, Lady Katrina or even Shakes, since I was in front.

The mine was supported by beams for about fifty feet—and then it branched into a natural cave formation, which looked to be about fifteen feet high. The cave was dark, damp and chilly. I could even see my breath in the beam of the flashlight.

Thinking back, I’m guessing some miners had started digging a tunnel, and then had broken through into the cave. There were no tracks leading into the mine...In the movies, mines always have tracks for those little wheeled carts that carry stuff in and out. That meant that this mine had never actually been used as a mine.

If we’d figured that out at the time, that might have been a tip-off that things weren’t all hunky-dory in the underground...

Raven was on my left side and Bones was on my right. I guess he’d finished the Poppy novel. Rooster was behind me, clutching an unlit candle. I wasn’t quite sure why—maybe he found comfort in gripping that smooth shaft. Lady Katrina and Shakes were behind Rooster.

I could hear the constant dripping of water from the tips of the stalec...mites or tites, whatever you call the hangy ones. They kind of reminded me of my grandma’s boobs. At one point we all had to jump across a narrow stream swarming with small, ugly white fish. I heard somewhere that fish in caves are blind—it could be true, though these little suckers weren’t wearing dark glasses or being led around by even smaller fish.

I heard a growl.

I felt extremely embarrassed, thinking that the jumbo bag of potato chips I’d eaten all by myself was starting to turn my intestinal tract into a gastric wind tunnel.

Then the growling grew louder.

With relief, I realized it wasn’t coming from my belly. Rather, it was echoing down from the passage ahead of us.

Hanging upside down like bats from the roof of the cave were two bloated, seven-foot-long winged creatures with horns and pointed tails.

“Vampires!” Raven said. “Oh my God, real-life vampires!”

“They don’t look like vampires to me,” Bones said. “They’re not humanoid. They’re too...blobby.”

“Well, maybe some look blobby. You wouldn’t know. Have you ever met a vampire?” Raven asked.

“Ummmm, no,” Bones admitted. “But neither have you.”

“Well, I know a vampire when I see one,” Rooster said. He walked up to the closest creature, which started to growl again. “From the bowels of the Earth, they emerged...To feed their unholy thirst,” the Goth-boy intoned. “Hey, you. Vampire guy. Bite me. Please bite me.” He cocked his head to one side. “Bite me here.” He pointed to his throat.

The creature dropped down from the cave roof with a fleshy plop. Then it gathered itself up and stood in front of Rooster, dwarfing him.

The creature had coal-red eyes, a flat, catlike nose and huge pointed ears. It looked down at the Goth and shook its head.

“Oh. What about here?” Rooster pointed to his wrist.

The creature shook its head again.

“Well, where do you want to bite me?” Rooster asked.

The creature looked down toward his hips.