In Laymon's Terms

“Wow, the vampire wants to go oral. Anne Rice was right!” Rooster said, unbuckling his belt and lowering his pants. He wasn’t wearing any underwear. He was a big guy, but not in the crotch department. But hey, it was a cold cave.

The creature slumped down, leaned forward, spun him around with the claws on the ends of its wings—and began to suck on Rooster’s ass.

At first the Goth had a really scary look of bliss on his face. But then that expression of bliss changed to concern, terror and excruciating pain—in that order.

The creature sucked out all of his shit with a series of loud, sickening slurps. When there was no shit left, it sucked out the intestines, spooling them out of his backside like a greedy child sucking down spaghetti—except the plate doesn’t scream while the kid is having his meal. The bloated monster continued to suck, drawing out all of Rooster’s blood and organs, until he was just an empty carcass covered with a tight layer of skin.

I suppose we could have run away while it was doing all that. But hell, who’s going to run when there’s a show like that going on? A person has to watch—it can’t be helped.

Shakes fainted. Lady Katrina threw up.

“What type of vampires suck shit?” Raven said.

“News flash,” I said. “Those ain’t vampires.”

Bones nodded. “Fatso’s right. I think those are demons, like Beelzebub or Asmodeus.”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, Four-Eyes,” I said. “Hell, those damned freaks are Beelzebutt and Assmodeus. Now let’s stop blabbering and get the Hell out of here.”

Beelzebutt tossed away Rooster’s shriveled husk and began to move toward us. The creature’s puckered mouth stretched out into a gore-streaked, shit-eating grin. Meanwhile, Assmodeus flew over our heads and landed in the passage behind us.

We were surrounded.

Beelzebutt grabbed Bones in its claws and tore off his pants. Then it ripped away his old torn underwear, which were emblazoned with images of the Power Rangers, and started sucking out his ass next. I guess Rooster had simply been an appetizer.

Bones began screaming like a damned thing.

Assmodeus grabbed the unconscious Shakes by the ankle and dragged her to its side. Then the ravenous creature began to feed on her, using her backside like a big fleshy juicebox.

I turned toward Raven and Lady Katrina. “I don’t suppose either of you has a gun on you? A knife? A really big comb?”

Raven pointed toward the cave wall. “What about that thing over there?”

Leaning against the wall was a rusty pick-axe with a broken handle—a leftover from the days when the miners had visited the cave.

“Drive the point through the monster’s heart,” Lady Katrina said. “Maybe that’ll kill it.”

“It ain’t a vampire, okay?” I said. “I’ve got a better idea. I’ll give the fucker what it deserves.”

Beelzebutt was finishing up its meal of colon-sushi a la Bones. I aimed the flashlight at the demon’s ass, which happened to be turned in my direction, then grabbed the pick-axe in my free hand and rammed the rusty point into the monster’s poop chute as far as I could.

The demon didn’t go up in a puff of smoke or flake away into ashes, like all the vampires in old movies. No, this shit-eating demon exploded...

Exploded poop and blood and guts all over me.

It reminded me of some old movie about a blimp that had blown up back in the old days. That Beelzebutt was the batwinged Hindenburg of shit.

Unfortunately, the explosion had blown the pick-axe out of my hands. I turned and saw it had speared Lady Katrina right through the heart. Too bad she hadn’t been a vampire.

Shakes was little more than a sack of bones by that point, so at last I had Raven to myself.

Of course, there was still the matter of Assmodeus. And sure, the matter of me being fat and covered with blood and shit and guts—I wasn’t exactly a babe magnet at that moment. But then, Raven was also covered with crap, so she wasn’t looking too hot anyway.

“You dickwad!” Raven said. “My clothes are ruined! And you should have killed the other one first. That’s the one between us and the way out.”

I looked toward Assmodeus. He had backed off about twenty feet, no doubt frightened by my newfound ability to pop demons like shit-pimples.

“Oh, well pardon me all to Hell, Raven,” I said. “At least I killed one. How many have you killed? Zeee-ro! I’m doing all the work here, so you’d better just shut your mouth and hope I get a chance to kill the other one and save our asses—before that thing sucks the shit out of them!”

Goth-girl stared at me for a moment. Then she blinked. “Sorry. It is really cool you killed that demon-creature and all.”

I figured I might as well go for broke. “Will you go out with me if I kill the other one?”

“What a dumbass question! You are unbelievable!” she said. But then she smiled through the shit smeared all over her pretty face. “But it’s a good kind of unbelievable. Sure I’ll go out with you, you big goofy monster-slayer, you. Now kill the second one before I change my mind.”