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Journeys into the bright world

Howard. Yeah, but that's under the influence of ketamine. There's a big difference. That's part of the problem with the book. The medical profession is going to say that what we're calling a state of samadhi, or satchitananda, is a state of insanity and that it's dangerous and people shouldn't be doing it. This is what the medical profession is going to say. You know it as well as I know it. Right. So obviously you're going to have to have some quick explanation of what is going on.

Marcia. Poor little Sunny is playing with fire. It's not Sunny and the Cosmic Butterfly; now it's Sunny and Fire Lady. Sunny is just like Benjamin Franklin. (At this point I was actually seeing Little Sunny dressed up in his Ben Franklin suit going out to fly his kite.) Did it ever occur to you that Benjamin Franklin could have been electrocuted by that damn key on the end of his kite when he tapped the lightning? And then the whole history of nations would have been changed. You know, he took a key and tapped the lightning and that's how he discovered electricity.

Howard. He went out with a kite, didn't he?

Marcia. Yes, he went out with a key at the end of a kite and he flew it. He ought to have been electrocuted. So poor little Sunny has gone out with his kite and his big smile and now he's tapped the lightning. "Oh this is fun!" he says. And then, Whoosh! Wham!

Howard. I like these little bedtime stories we have at the end of every trip. That's the highlight of our sessions.

Marcia. Well, that's our bedtime story for today. Sunny running out into the storm with that big smile on his face. Sunny of course is like Snoopy and Peanuts and all those characters. Somehow I've got them all in the same universe.

Howard. I can see the hair sticking out.

Marcia. I know you do, because my mind is in tune with yours. So Sunny runs out with that little wisp of hair on his head and his kite, and he's tapping the lightning. He's doing his Ben Franklin thing. And zing! Fire Lady comes down his line. And Sunny isn't sure he wants Fire Lady. What the hell is Sunny going to do with Fire Lady. Sunny needs Fire Lady about like I need sixteen more arms. He was just playing games. I hope that teaches Sunny a lesson. You get electrocuted if you play with fire ladies.

Howard. I wanted a fire lady. I didn't know I was going to get the Fire Lady.

Marcia. Doesn't it scare you to see your wife going insane…and turning into the Fire Lady?

Howard. No, to me its not abnormal.

Marcia. Even at my nuttiest, I realize that this is a heavy trip to lay on some poor man.

Howard. What can you recall at this time.

Marcia. What I remember is the incredible frustration of not being able to relate the two worlds. I still can't get them together.

Howard. And you can't direct it?

Marcia. It's so different.

Howard. I know, and another point you made is that even after a week you forget.

Marcia. Yes. It puts you in a realm where everything is energy… This delusion of grandeur thing has to be watched on two counts. In the first place, of course, you can get beglamoured and think you're more important than you are. But there's an equal danger of thinking you're less important than you are. You and I actually do have an incredible potential. We have caught a pretty big piece of fire. If only we can hang on. I no longer see myself riding a tiger. I see myself riding a comet.

Coming back to normalcy it seemed to me that there was no question but that I had been certifiably, even if only temporarily, insane. It is just possible, however, that to experience periods of controlled insanity may be an eminently sane mode of experimentation, particularly if one wishes to understand a planet characterized by pathology run amuck. In any event, when I finally did return to terra firma my mental atmosphere felt as dewy fresh as the air when skies clear and the sun comes out at the end of a tumultuous electrical storm.

Since Howard was due to be away on Christmas our real holiday was the day before. I was tired. We had given a late party the previous evening after an exceptionally heavy schedule of holiday preparations. Inexplicably my right hip joint was hurting and I still felt seared by my metamorphosis into the fire lady. Nevertheless, I wanted to maintain our weekly contacts with the bright world. Consequently, with some trepidation, I decided to take the same fifty milligram dose that a week earlier had plunged me into a state so deep as to be incommunicado for fifteen minutes.