King Lear

FOOL    Then ’tis like the breath of an unfee’d¹²²

lawyer: you gave me nothing for’t.— Can you make no use¹²³

of nothing, nuncle?

LEAR    Why, no, boy: nothing can be made out of nothing.

To Kent

FOOL    Prithee tell him, so much the rent of his land

comes to: he will not believe a fool.

LEAR    A bitter fool!

FOOL    Dost thou know the difference, my boy, between a

bitter fool and a sweet one?

LEAR    No, lad, teach me.

FOOL    Nuncle, give me an egg and I’ll give thee two

crowns.

LEAR    What two crowns¹³⁴ shall they be?

FOOL    Why, after I have cut the egg i’th’middle and eat up

the meat, the two crowns of the egg. When thou clovest¹³⁶ thy

crowns i’th’middle and gav’st away both parts, thou bor’st

thine ass on thy back o’er the dirt: thou hadst little wit in thy

bald crown when thou gav’st thy golden one away. If I speak

like myself¹⁴⁰ in this, let him be whipped that first finds it so:

Sings

Fools had ne’er less grace¹⁴¹ in a year,

For wise men are grown foppish¹⁴²

And know not how their wits to wear,

Their manners are so apish¹⁴⁴.

LEAR    When were you wont to be so full of songs, sirrah?

FOOL    I have used it¹⁴⁶, nuncle, e’er since thou mad’st thy

daughters thy mothers: for when thou gav’st them the rod¹⁴⁷

and put’st down thine own breeches,

Sings

Then they for sudden joy did weep,

And I for sorrow sung,

That such a king should play bo-peep¹⁵¹

And go the fool among¹⁵².

Prithee, nuncle, keep a schoolmaster that can teach thy fool

to lie: I would fain¹⁵⁴ learn to lie.

LEAR    An¹⁵⁵ you lie, sirrah, we’ll have you whipped.

FOOL    I marvel¹⁵⁶ what kin thou and thy daughters are:

they’ll have me whipped for speaking true, thou’lt have me

whipped for lying, and sometimes I am whipped for holding

my peace. I had rather be any kind o’thing than a fool. And

yet I would not be thee, nuncle: thou hast pared¹⁶⁰ thy wit

o’both sides and left nothing i’th’middle. Here comes one

o’the parings.

Enter Goneril

LEAR    How now, daughter? What makes that frontlet¹⁶³ on?

You are too much of late i’th’frown.

FOOL    Thou wast a pretty fellow when thou hadst no need

to care for her frowning: now thou art an O without a figure¹⁶⁶.

I am better than thou art now: I am a fool, thou art

To Goneril

nothing.— Yes, forsooth¹⁶⁸, I will hold my tongue, so

your face bids me, though you say nothing.

Sings

Mum, mum,

He that keeps nor crust nor crumb¹⁷¹,

Weary of all, shall want some¹⁷².

Points to Lear

That’s a shelled peascod¹⁷³.

GONERIL    Not only, sir, this your all-licensed¹⁷⁴ fool,

But other of your insolent retinue

Do hourly carp¹⁷⁶ and quarrel, breaking forth

In rank¹⁷⁷ and not-to-be endured riots, sir.

I had thought by making this well known unto you

To have found a safe¹⁷⁹ redress, but now grow fearful,

By what yourself too late¹⁸⁰ have spoke and done.

That you protect this course and put it on¹⁸¹

By your allowance, which if you should, the fault

Would not scape censure, nor the redresses sleep¹⁸³

Which in the tender of a wholesome weal¹⁸⁴

Might in their working do you that offence,

Which else were shame, that then necessity

Will call discreet proceeding.

FOOL    For you know, nuncle,

The hedge-sparrow fed the cuckoo¹⁸⁹ so long,

That it’s had it head bit off by it young¹⁹⁰.

So, out went the candle, and we were left darkling¹⁹¹.

To Goneril

LEAR    Are you our daughter?

GONERIL    I would you would make use of your good wisdom —

Whereof I know you are fraught¹⁹⁴ — and put away

These dispositions¹⁹⁵ which of late transport you

From what you rightly are.

FOOL    May not an ass know when the cart draws the horse?

Whoop, Jug¹⁹⁸! I love thee.

LEAR    Does any here know me? This is not Lear.

Does Lear walk thus? Speak thus? Where are his eyes?

Either his notion weakens, his discernings²⁰¹

Are lethargied — Ha! Waking?²⁰² ’Tis not so?

Who is it that can tell me who I am?

FOOL    Lear’s shadow²⁰⁴.

LEAR    Your name, fair gentlewoman?

GONERIL    This admiration, sir, is much o’th’savour²⁰⁶

Of other your new pranks. I do beseech you

To understand my purposes aright:

As you are old and reverend, should²⁰⁹ be wise.

Here do you keep a hundred knights and squires,

Men so disordered, so debauched and bold²¹¹,

That this our court, infected with their manners,

Shows like a riotous inn: epicurism²¹³ and lust

Makes it more like a tavern or a brothel

Than a graced palace. The shame itself doth speak²¹⁵

For instant remedy. Be then desired²¹⁶

By her, that else will take the thing she begs,

A little to disquantity your train²¹⁸,

And the remainders, that shall still depend²¹⁹

To be such men as may besort²²⁰ your age,

Which know themselves and you²²¹.

LEAR    Darkness and devils!—

To a Servant

Saddle my horses, call my train together.—

To Goneril

Degenerate²²⁴ bastard! I’ll not trouble thee.

Yet have I left a daughter.

GONERIL    You strike my people, and your disordered rabble

Make servants of their betters.

Enter Albany

To Albany