Kompromat

‘Thanks so much, Bert. We understand the 9M729s have a range of 620 to 3240 miles. Apparently they hit Syria from the Caspian the other day. So if we agree that their use is compatible with the INF, then Russia can legally hit every capital in Europe. More to the point, perhaps, Russia will able to blast the living daylights out of every city in China.

‘Let’s take China’s build-up in the South China Seas. I believe the United States must be ready to go to war with China over these illegal bases. But it would be better still if Russia and the US could take a coordinated approach. We can say to China “Pull back from the Spratlys” or the Russians will whack Chengdu or Xian or wherever with their 9M729 missiles can reach. We could also put pressure on them to deal with North Korea, tell North Korea to nix their nuclear testing programme, for example. And if the Chinese don’t deal with North Korea, we will!’

‘Good God,’ President Liu Wang-Ji exclaimed. ‘This is dynamite!’

A new silky, cultivated voice, speaking perfect English, was to be heard on the recording:

‘Interesting. Very interesting,’ Georgiy Reznikov said. ‘Let’s talk about global warming too? As you may know, President Popov believes that Siberia should blossom like the rose. He believes Russia needs the massive increase of productivity in Siberia that global warming will make possible. How can a Craig Administration help here?’

‘We can help bigly,’ they heard Craig reply. ‘Global warming’s bullshit, a giant hoax perpetrated by the Chinese to grab American jobs. I’ll make sure we pull out of the Paris Agreement. I’ll dismember the EPA – the Environmental Protection Agency – and revive the American coal industry. Believe you me, we can warm up Siberia in no time at all. One degree, two degrees, three degrees, ROCK! We’ll rock around the clock tonight! Remember Bill Haley and his Comets, Ambassador?’

Sensing that the US Republican presidential candidate was on a roll, Georgiy Reznikov quickly interrupted. ‘Thank you, gentlemen. This has been a most productive meeting. I can assure you that President Popov will be pleased. In view of what I have heard today I am authorized to tell you that between now and Election Day we will make sure that our cache of emails from the Democratic National Committee, including those from Caroline Mann, the Democratic presidential candidate, is deployed to the fullest possible extent. We further undertake to offer Craig Shipping and Craig Oil the most favourable terms possible as far as their operations in the Russian Arctic are concerned.’