Lament for a lost lover

“If only you were concerned, perhaps But there is someone else “

“You?” I said with a laugh.

“Yes me “

“It is you who should face up to the truth You would like to marry me Yes, I can see that It would be very convenient You want Eversleigh You believed you would have it one day Then Edwin was born and he stood in your way. He died, but he had son and now he stands between you and what you hoped for. And there is one other who comes before you, Uncle Toby. Even if my Edwin did not exist, Toby would inherit before you did. However, you want to be in command. If I married someone else he would be Edwin’s stepfather. He would guide Edwin. He would teach him what he has to learn. That does not appeal to you. You might lose your hold on Eversleigh. Therefore, being most conveniently free to marry, you would marry me. Now is that not the whole of it?”

“Not the whole truth,” he said.

“So you admit to part of it.”

“Unlike you, I face facts.”

“And I do not?”

“Certainly, you do not. You want to marry me, and you pretend you don’t. Perhaps you don’t even realize that you want to. You are caught up in such a web of deceit.”

“You talk nonsense. What you don’t know is that I was once married to the only man I could love. He was noble, honourable ... He died for the cause he believed in. Do you think anyone could ever replace him in my heart?” Carleton burst out laughing. His eyes suddenly blazed with anger. “Are you telling me that you have never guessed the truth?”

“The truth? What truth?”

“About your saintly husband.”

“I hate to hear you mention his name. You are unworthy ...”

“I know ... to unlatch his shoes, I believe. Edwin was no worse than the rest of us, perhaps ... but no better.”

“Stop it, I say, stop it.”

He took me by the shoulders and shook me.

“It’s time you knew the truth. It’s time you stopped living in a dream. Edwin married you for the same reason that you accuse me of wanting to marry you. His parents wanted it ... and so did your parents. He would have preferred ... Surely you know?”

I felt myself go limp with rage and horror. I could not believe I was hearing correctly.

“I am tired of remaining silent’ went on Carleton, speaking tensely and rapidly. “I’m tired of standing by and joining in the pretence. Edwin had great charm, didn’t he? Everyone liked him. He tried to be everything to everyone ... just the very man each one wanted him to be. He was always liked and he was very good at it. You wanted the young romantic lover, and it seems he played the part to perfection. He had you believing him.”

“What do you mean? Whom ... would he have preferred?”

“That great friend of yours, of course. Harriet Main. Were you completely blind? She hoped he would marry her, but that would be asking too much of him. His parents would have objected. Edwin never upset anyone if he could help it. Besides, he knew at once that you were the suitable partner. That didn’t stop those two though. I can assure you of that.”

“Harriet ... and Edwin?”

“Wasn’t it clear? Where do you think he was on those nights when you were alone in the big bed, eh? Out on his secret mission? Oh, it was secret all right. He was with her. Sleeping with her. Forgetting his dear, little, trusting wife. Why do you think she brought you to England? Because she wanted to be with him. That’s why. She was out collecting her plants! He was on his secret mission! How odd that both should take them to the old arbour. They spent a good deal of time there together. Too much. Do you know why he was shot? I would take you to the man who shot him, but he is dead now. It was Old Jethro, the hermit-Puritan. He shot his dog for coupling with a bitch, and what he did to a dog he was clearly ready to do to a man and woman ... if these things were done outside the lawful marriage bed. In an arbour, for instance.”

“I ... don’t believe it.”

“You know it’s true. Come, Arabella, you are a sensible young woman. You know the way of the world.”

“I don’t believe it of Edwin.”

“Shall I have to prove it to you?”

“You can’t. The man who killed him is dead, you say ... a likely story. When did he so conveniently die?”

“Soon after he killed Edwin. He told me himself. He had watched them when they met. He had put himself into a place where he could see. Then he brought the gun and he shot them in the act.”

I covered my face with my hands, trying in vain to shut out the vivid pictures which forced themselves into my mind.

I could only repeat: “I don’t believe it. I will never believe it.”

“I can prove it to you.”

“If it’s true, why have you kept quiet so long?”