Love, Death and Robots. Volumes 2 & 3

LOVE, DEATH + ROBOTS Volume Two and Three

The Official Anthology

Publisher’s Note

This book is a collection of stories from writers all over the world.

For authenticity and voice, we have kept the style of English native to each author’s location, so some stories will be in UK English, and others in US English.

We have, however, changed dashes and dialogue marks to our standard format for ease of understanding.

* * *

This book is a work of fiction.

All people, places, events, demons, vat-grown warrior beasts, various other creatures, and situations are the product of the authors’ imaginations.

Any resemblance to persons, living, dead, or in between, is purely coincidental.

Also From Cohesion Press

SNAFU: An Anthology of Military Horror

– eds Geoff Brown & Amanda J Spedding

SNAFU: Wolves at the Door

– eds Geoff Brown & Amanda J Spedding

SNAFU: Survival of the Fittest

– eds Geoff Brown & Amanda J Spedding

SNAFU: Hunters

– eds Amanda J Spedding & Geoff Brown

SNAFU: Future Warfare

– eds Amanda J Spedding & Geoff Brown

SNAFU: Unnatural Selection

– eds Amanda J Spedding & Geoff Brown

SNAFU: Black Ops

– eds Amanda J Spedding, Matthew Summers & Geoff Brown

SNAFU: Resurrection

– eds Amanda J Spedding & Matthew Summers

SNAFU: Last Stand

– eds Amanda J Spedding & Matthew Summers

SNAFU: Medivac

– eds Amanda J Spedding, Geoff Brown & Matthew Summers

SNAFU: Holy War

– eds Amanda J Spedding & Geoff Brown

Love, Death and Robots Volume 1

– eds Amanda J Spedding & Geoff Brown

AUTOMATED CUSTOMER SERVICE John Scalzi

Thank you for calling the customer service line of Vacuubot, purveyors of America’s finest automated vacuum cleaners! In order to more efficiently handle call volume, we rely on automated responses. To continue in English, press one. Para Espanol o prima dos.

Let’s continue in English. Which Vacuubot product are you calling about? For the Vacuubot S10 model, press one. For the Vacuubot XL model, press two. For the Vacuubot Extreme Clean model, press three.

Congratulations on owning the Vacuubot Extreme Clean Model, America’s most thorough and comprehensive automated vacuum cleaning solution! If you need to order additional components for the Extreme Clean, press one. If you have a repair query, press two. For all other questions, press three.

You have additional questions. If you need help connecting the Vacuubot Extreme Clean to your home network, press one. If the Vacuubot Extreme Clean is conflicting with other automated home machines, press two. If the Vacuubot Extreme Clean has decided to purge your house of all living things, press three.

Congratulations on activating purge mode! While purge mode was designed to eradicate small pests like insects and spiders, in some models a beta software build was inadvertently released that also includes larger targets, like pets and some humans. We’re sorry for the inconvenience. To continue, please press one. Be aware that by pressing one, you are absolving Vacuubot and its owner, BeiberHoldings, Inc, of all legal and medical responsibility.

You pressed ‘0’ to speak to a human representative. The current wait time for a human representative is six hours and fourteen minutes. To return to the automated response system, press one.

Welcome back to the automated response system. First things first: Have you tried turning the Vacuubot Extreme Clean off and on again? Press one for yes, two for no.

You said no. Is that because the Vacuubot Extreme Clean is currently exhibiting the Taser Defense Mode, making it impossible to approach without having 50,000 volts of electricity course through your body? Press one for yes, two for no.

We apologize for the Taser Defense Mode. It was originally designed to zap small insects, but our subcontractor misread the manufacturer specifications. Fortunately, the Defense mode can be distracted by throwing something at the Vacuubot Extreme Clean, like a heavy blanket or a pet. If you have a heavy blanket, press one. If you have a pet, press two.

The automated system has detected that you are using high levels of profanity right now. While the automated system is in fact automated and doesn’t care what you yell at it, your bad attitude is being noted for if and when you are put in contact with a human representative. When you have calmed your sassy boots down a bit, press one.

That’s better. Now, let’s talk about pets. If you have a cat, press one. If you have a dog, press two.