Lucky Jim

'Whatever I do can't be very satisfactory,' she said. 'I feel I've been very stupid the whole way through.' Though her pose was now complete, Dixon barely noticed it. 'What I want to stop you thinking is that I was being frivolous about, you know, letting you kiss me and saying I'd come today, and all that. And I meant everything I said; I wouldn't have said it otherwise. And I don't want you to think that I was doing it just for fun or that I've decided since I don't like you enough, or anything like that. It's not like that and you're not to think it is.'

'That's all right, Christine. You can forget about that part of it.

Oh… here we are.'

The waiter reappeared at Dixon's side with a loaded tray. This he half-lowered, half-dropped to within an inch of the table; then, with an offensive exaggeration of care, he laid it soundlessly to rest.

Straightening up, he gave another smile, this time at Dixon, paused, as if to emphasize his non-intention of setting out any of the tea-things, and moved off counterfeiting a heavy limp.

Christine began moving crockery about and pouring tea. When she gave him his cup she said: 'I'm sorry, Jim. I didn't want to be like this about it. Have a sandwich?'

' No thanks, I don't want anything to eat.'

She nodded and began eating with every appearance of appetite. Dixon was interested by this conventional absence of conventional sensitivity; for almost the first time in his life a woman was behaving in a way alleged to be typical of women.

'After all,' she said, 'you've got your commitments with Margaret, haven't you?'

He sighed rather tremulously; although the worst part of the encounter was theoretically over, without yet having had on him the numbing effect he knew it soon would have, he still fek nervous.' Yes,' he replied.'

That was what I was going to tell you about this afternoon, only you got in first. I came here to tell you that I thought we shouldn't see any more of each other from my own point of view, because of my business with Margaret.'

'I see.' She began eating another sandwich.

"Things have all rather come to a head in the last few days, as a matter of fact. Since the Ball, really.'

She looked at him quickly. 'There was a row over that, was there?'

'Well, yes, I suppose you could say that A good deal more than a row, actually.'

' There you are, you see. I was causing all sorts of trouble by sneaking off with you like that* 'Don't be silly, Christine,' Dixon said irritably. 'You're talking as if you were the one who initiated everything. If anybody was responsible for all sorts of trouble, as you call it, it was me. Not that I think I'm much to blame for anything, any more than you were. It was all perfectly natural. All this self-reproach strikes me as a bit forced.'

'I'm sorry; I must have put it badly. I wasn't forcing anything as far as I knew.'

' No, I don't suppose you were for a moment I didn't mean to sound hot under the collar. The Margaret business has been getting me down rather.'

'How bad was it? What did she say to you?'

'Oh, she said all sorts of things. There wasn't much she could have said she didn't say.'

'You make it sound pretty formidable. What actually went on?'

Dixon sighed again and drank some tea. 'It's all so… complicated. I don't want to bore you with it.'

' You won't bore me. I'd like to hear, if you feel you want to tell me.

It's your turn, after alL'

The grin she gave with this remark nearly put Dixon right off his stroke. Was she really finding this funny?' That's right,' he said heavily. 'Well, there's a lot of past history that's all mixed up with it, you see. She's a decent girl really, and I like her a lot, at least I would if she'd only let me. But I've got tied up with her without really meaning to, though I know that sounds ridiculous. When I first met her, last October some time, she was going round with a fellow called Catch-pole…' He gave a compressed, but otherwise only slightly edited, account of his past relations with Margaret, finishing with their visit to the pictures the previous evening. He gave a cigarette to Christine, who'd eaten all the food the waiter had brought, took one himself, and said: 'So now it's all more or less on again, though I shouldn't like to have to explain just what it is that's more or less on again, and on's a bit vague too. I don't think she knows quite how interested I've been in you, by the way, and I don't imagine she'd thank me for telling her.'

Christine avoided his eyes, puffing amateurishly at her cigarette. She asked in a disinterested tone: 'How do you think she seemed when you left her?'

'Just the same as she'd been all the evening, quite quiet and apparently sensible. Oh, I know that sounds pretty offensive; I don't quite mean that, I mean she… well, she wasn't so excitable, there wasn't any of the nervous tension about her that there usually is.'

'Do you think she'll go on being like that, now that she feels things are more settled?'