Midsummer's Eve

I am behaving badly and you will despise me for this. I am trying to find excuses for myself and I can only say that what happened so shattered me that I have felt lost and bewildered ever since. On the ship when we were together it seemed the right thing to do, a kind of way out for me. But marriage is more important than just that. Now that I am home, I am trying to think clearly, to be practical; and I am filled with misgiving.

I have been wondering for some weeks whether I have been rash. To me it seems such a short time since the tragedy.

Rolf, do please try to understand.

As you know I have always been very fond of you, but marriage is so binding, and I do not feel ready to take the step yet.

Forgive me, Rolf.

Annora I sealed the letter. I must be sure that he received it at once. I did not want him to come to the chapel expecting the ceremony to go ahead.

As soon as it was light I dressed and went downstairs. I saddled my horse and rode over to the Manor.

As I arrived at the Manor stables I saw Luke Tregern on the point of going in. He looked amazed to see me, as well he might.

"Good morning, Miss Cadorson," he said, his eyebrows slightly raised, his teeth gleaming and his shrewd eyes alight with curiosity.

"Good morning, Luke. I have a letter here. Would you see that it gets to Mr. Hanson immediately?”

"I will indeed, Miss Cadorson. Are you well? Would you care to come into the house?

I am sure Mr. Hanson will be up.”

"No thanks. I just want him to get this note ... as soon as possible.”

"I will see to it.”

I watched him as he hurried into the house; then I rode away.

I went back to my room. I sat there looking out of the window. My heart was still beating wildly and I was saying to myself: "What have you done?”

I went into Helena's room. She was surprised to see me.

"Good morning, Annora. Why, what's the matter?”

"There is to be no wedding, Helena.”

She stared at me. "But .. “

"I can't explain. I just can't go through with it.”

"But... Rolf...”

"I've told him. I wrote a note explaining. I've just taken it over myself. Luke Tregern is giving it to him.”

"Annora!”

"I know it is a terrible thing I have done. But I had to. I knew I had to. Helena, I want you to explain to them all. Stop all the preparation ...”

"Do you want to talk... ?”

I shook my head.

"Just do that for me. Will you, Helena?”

She nodded and went away.

There was a stunned silence throughout the house. It was like a place of mourning.

The servants talked in whispers. I could imagine the conversation in the kitchen.

Rolf came over. Helena came to tell me that he was there.

I did not want to see him, but I could not refuse. I had already done him a great injury. I could not add to that.

He was waiting for me in the small room which led from the hall.

He just stood there looking at me in silence.

I began to stammer: "Oh ... Rolf... I'm so sorry. I just could not go through with it.”

"Why, Annora? Why?”

"It's difficult to explain. I just know I can't. Oh, Rolf, what can I say?”

"To have come so near... !”

"I know. But I had to stop it... before it was too late. Please try to understand.”

"I'm afraid I can't." His voice sounded cold, remote. I wanted to go to him, to fling my arms round him, to tell him that no matter what the consequences were I would marry him today in the chapel.

But he was looking at me with cold distrust. He had changed. I had never seen him look like that. He was controlling his emotions. The thought came to me, He is seeing Cador slipping out of his grasp.

I felt vindicated suddenly.

I had done the right thing.

“I heard myself say almost coolly: "I'm sorry, Rolf, but I had to do it.”

I thought he might plead with me and if he had done so, I might have given way. I loved Rolf. I had always loved him, but between us was that image of the man in the grey robe. I could not rid myself of the fear that he was the one who had worn it on that night; and I imagined that I would always go on believing it. It would be there always, a shadow between us.

"This is definite then," he said.

I did not answer. I wanted to say: "Wait. It might change." I might come to terms with this. I loved Rolf. I wanted to be with him. If only I could be sure that he had not been there that night. But he had already said that he was not there. The fact was that I did not believe him.

"There is no need for me to remain," said Rolf. "You have made it very clear to me.

I can do nothing but accept your decision.”

This cold, precise man was not like the Rolf I knew. He was deeply wounded I knew yet it hurt me that he could seem so aloof, almost indifferent. If he had raged at me I could have answered him, perhaps explained. Perhaps we could have made some plans. Perhaps we could wait awhile. Time ... that was what I wanted.

But he had gone.

A terrible sense of loneliness swept over me. I knew then that I wanted him back.