Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

Controlling anger is something else that’s a problem for many people. Something triggers their temper and off they go, losing control of their mouths or worse. Here, too, people may vow that next time they’ll be different. Anger control is a big issue between partners and between parents and children, not only because partners and children do things that make us angry, but also because we may think we have a greater right to let loose when they do. Try this one.

The Dilemma. Imagine you’re a nice, caring person—as you probably are—usually. You love your spouse and feel lucky to have them as your partner. But when they violate one of your rules, like letting the garbage overflow before taking it out, you feel personally betrayed and start criticizing. It begins with “I’ve told you a thousand times,” then moves on to “You never do anything right.” When they still don’t seem properly ashamed, you flare, insulting their intelligence (“Maybe you aren’t smart enough to remember garbage”) and their character (“If you weren’t so irresponsible, you wouldn’t …” “If you cared about anyone but yourself, you’d …”). Seething with rage, you then bring in everything you can think of to support your case: “My father never trusted you, either,” or “Your boss was right when he said you were limited.” Your spouse has to leave the premises to get out of range of your mounting fury.

The Fixed-Mindset Reaction. You feel righteous about your anger for a while, but then you realize you’ve gone too far. You suddenly recall all the ways that your spouse is a supportive partner and feel intensely guilty. Then you talk yourself back into the idea that you, too, are a good person, who’s just slipped up—lost it—temporarily. “I’ve really learned my lesson,” you think, “I’ll never do this again.”

But believing you can simply keep that good person in the forefront in the future, you don’t think of strategies you could use next time to prevent a flare-up. That’s why the next time is a carbon copy of the time before.

The Growth Mindset and Self-Control

Some people think about losing weight or controlling their anger in a growth-mindset way. They realize that to succeed, they’ll need to learn and practice strategies that work for them.

It’s like the growth-mindset chemistry students. They used better study techniques, carefully planned their study time, and kept up their motivation. In other words, they used every strategy possible to make sure they succeeded.

Just like them, people in a growth mindset don’t merely make New Year’s resolutions and wait to see if they stick to them. They understand that to diet, they need to plan. They may need to keep desserts out of the house. Or think in advance about what to order in restaurants. Or schedule a once-a-week splurge. Or consider exercising more.

They think actively about maintenance. What habits must they develop to continue the gains they’ve achieved?

Then there are the setbacks. They know that setbacks will happen. So instead of beating themselves up, they ask: “What can I learn from this? What will I do next time when I’m in this situation?” It’s a learning process—not a battle between the bad you and the good you.

In that last episode, what could you have done with your anger? First, think about why you got so worked up. You may have felt devalued and disrespected when your spouse shirked the tasks or broke your rules—as though they were saying to you, “You’re not important. Your needs are trivial. I can’t be bothered.”

Your first reaction was to angrily remind them of their duty. But on the heels of that was your retaliation, sort of “Okay big shot, if you think you’re so important, try this on for size.”

Your spouse, rather than reassuring you of your importance, simply braced for the onslaught. Meanwhile, you took the silence as evidence that they felt superior, and it fueled your escalation.

What can be done? Several things. First, spouses can’t read your mind, so when an anger-provoking situation arises, you have to matter-of-factly tell them how it makes you feel. “I’m not sure why, but when you do that, it makes me feel unimportant. Like you can’t be bothered to do things that matter to me.”

They, in turn, can reassure you that they care about how you feel and will try to be more watchful. (“Are you kidding?” you say. “My spouse would never do that.” Well, you can request it directly, as I’ve sometimes done: “Please tell me that you care how I feel and you’ll try to be more watchful.”)

When you feel yourself losing it, you can learn to leave the room and write down your ugliest thoughts, followed by what is probably really happening (“She doesn’t understand this is important to me,” “He doesn’t know what to do when I start to blow”). When you feel calm enough, you can return to the situation.