Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

You can also learn to loosen up on some of your rules, now that each one is not a test of your partner’s respect for you. With time, you might even gain a sense of humor about them. For example, if your spouse leaves some socks in the living room or puts the wrong things in the recycling bins, you might point at the offending items and ask sternly, “What is the meaning of this?” You might even have a good laugh.

When people drop the good–bad, strong–weak thinking that grows out of the fixed mindset, they’re better able to learn useful strategies that help with self-control. Every lapse doesn’t spell doom. It’s like anything else in the growth mindset. It’s a reminder that you’re an unfinished human being and a clue to how to do it better next time.

MAINTAINING CHANGE

Whether people change their mindset in order to further their career, heal from a loss, help their children thrive, lose weight, or control their anger, change needs to be maintained. It’s amazing—once a problem improves, people often stop doing what caused it to improve. Once you feel better, you stop taking your medicine.

But change doesn’t work that way. When you’ve lost weight, the issue doesn’t go away. Or when your child starts to love learning, the problem isn’t solved forever. Or when you and your partner start communicating better, that’s not the end of it. These changes have to be supported or they can go away faster than they appeared.

Maybe that’s why Alcoholics Anonymous tells people they will always be alcoholics—so they won’t become complacent and stop doing what they need to do to stay sober. medic2019;s a way of saying, “You’ll always be vulnerable.”

This is why mindset change is not about picking up a few tricks. In fact, if someone stays inside a fixed mindset and uses the growth strategies, it can backfire.

Wes, a dad with a fixed mindset, was at his wit’s end. He’d come home exhausted from work every evening and his son, Mickey, would refuse to cooperate. Wes wanted quiet, but Mickey was noisy. Wes would warn him, but Mickey would continue what he was doing. Wes found him stubborn, unruly, and not respectful of Wes’s rights as a father. The whole scene would disintegrate into a shouting match and Mickey would end up being punished.

Finally, feeling he had nothing to lose, Wes tried some of the growth-oriented strategies. He showed respect for Mickey’s efforts and praised his strategies when he was empathic or helpful. The turnaround in Mickey’s behavior was dramatic.

But as soon as the turnaround took place, Wes stopped using the strategies. He had what he wanted and he expected it to just continue. When it didn’t, he became even angrier and more punitive than before. Mickey had shown he could behave and now refused to.

The same thing often happens with fixed-mindset couples who start communicating better. Marlene and Scott were what my husband and I call the Bickersons. All they did was bicker: “Why don’t you ever pick up after yourself?” “I might if you weren’t such a nag.” “I wouldn’t have to nag if you did what you were supposed to do.” “Who made you the judge of what I’m supposed to do?”

With counseling, Marlene and Scott stopped jumping on the negatives. More and more, they started rewarding the thoughtful things their partner did and the efforts their partner made. The love and tenderness they thought were dead returned. But once it returned, they reverted. In the fixed mindset, things shouldn’t need such effort. Good people should just act good and good relationships should just unfold in a good way.

When the bickering resumed, it was fiercer than ever because it reflected all of their disappointed hopes.

Mindset change is not about picking up a few pointers here and there. It’s about seeing things in a new way. When people—couples, coaches and athletes, managers and workers, parents and children, teachers and students—change to a growth mindset, they change from a judge-and-be-judged framework to a learn-and-help-learn framework. Their commitment is to growth, and growth takes plenty of time, effort, and mutual support.

Learn and Help Learn

Every day presents you with ways to grow and to help the people you care about grow. How can you remember to look for these chances?

First, make a copy of this graphic summary of the two mindsets, which was created by the wonderful Nigel Holmes, and tape it to your mirror. Each morning, use it to remind yourself of the differences between the fixed and growth mindsets. Then, as you contemplate the day in front of you, try to ask yourself these questions. If you have room on your mirror, copy them over and tape them there, too.

What are the opportunities for learning and growth today? For myself? For the people around me?

As you think of opportunities, form a plan, and ask: