My Secret Life

Altho I wrote this part of the narrative one or two days afterwards, I couldn't describe all that then passed through my mind. Desire to feel her, fuck her, — fear of consequences, of her resisting, of telling my aunt or her father — wonder if she were virgin, whether she wanted fucking, and at her boldness — was it innocence, was I wrong in seducing her? — All made a mental chaos, during which I sat down, pulled her on to my knee, kissed her, pressed her hand again round my naked pego, and tried uselessly to feel her cunt. How it all came about I can scarcely tell, but it did just as narrated. She must have equally been under the influence of lust, and pleased with what I was doing, for there she sat on my knee holding my pego which began to throb, and tho it was almost imperceptibly done, her hand was moving gently up and down my prick, tho perhaps she did not know it. My sperm was boiling in my balls, the desire to spend became maddening, I clasped her hand in mine tightening hers round my prick and frigged, and in a minute almost, out shot a shower of sperm. I took away my hand from hers which still kept round my prick, and she was looking down at it when I recovered from my pleasure, as the last drop of sperm was issuing.

“You've frigged me, Agatha.” — “What?” said she as if astonished at the word and letting go my tool. — “Let me feel your cunt,” “Oh, for God sake don't — oh, let us go — what will they think of us at the house?” — “Let me.” She didn't say no, but got away from me. “I'll never speak to you again, and for God sake don't tell your cousin Fred. Will you now? — Promise me faithfully you won't. — Oh, what have you made me do? — I'll drown myself if you don't promise. Oh, you bad man.” — I promised. “Let me feel your garters.” — “I won't.” — We went to the house without speaking and there was Fred talking to the sister. The two girls left soon after. How Agatha's eyes looked as we shook hands. It was dusk.

When I reflected on all the occurrences next day, I felt convinced that the girl had lewedly egged me on. The same evening I was as hot as if I'd spent, and thoughts of what I had done and what I'd not done exited me so, that I frigged myself, fancying that her ittle hand was doing it, and thinking of that slight ;ouch of her thigh. — Then I wondered where my sperm lad fallen, whether on the floor or on her dress. I lever knew.

Next morning my aunt was angry with us for showing such attention to the two girls. “Nobodies — even if their father has money — and neglecting other nice ;iris here.” Fred and I talked about it afterwards. — 'Where did you get to with Agatha?” asked he in a curious way. “Nowhere, we walked about.”

I was wild to see the girl after that, but opportunities were few. I couldn't go often to the village, and they were not often to be met at people's houses. — A fort-night elapsed and then we met her with her sister in the street, we shook hands, my cousin walked ahead with Helen, Agatha walked with me and said, “You haven't told?” I swore I hadn't and never would, but wished she'd do it again. — “You're shocking, and must be wicked to speak of such a thing, to wish such a thing,” and I didn't any more that day.

A month afterwards I'd been to London and left Fred there, when Agatha called on my aunt with some message from her father. Aunt was very gracious, and sent my only female cousin then at home, to show her the Farm.

Aunt was going out with my cousins, and thinking the ladies too long gone, sent me to them. They had left the farm and I found them away near a grotto —(The history of the doings in this grotto years afterwards I've told.) “Oh, I'd forgot, Mamma will be so angry, will you stop with Miss P***l**s*n while I dress, and come on to the house?” Off she went, my prick gave a throb, and in a minute I'd kissed Agatha and got her into the grotto. — “Now I'll feel your garter.” — She was collected and repulsed my hand, but I was more energetic and hesitated less. She had frigged me and seen my sperm, had never cried out, and her whole behaviour been such, that without fear I thought I might even try to fuck her. — So on I went trying to get my hand up her clothes, she successfully defeating me, begging, praying, saying she'd call my cousin but never doing so, when “Hark! Hark!” she said, quite sotto voce.

I stopped, heard in the distance my cousin's voice — calling me as I heard afterwards. — The voice ceased, Agatha was in a fright. — “Oh if she's seen you — if she's heard,” and so on. We were both startled and listened, and then in that quiet place I heard in the distance the wheels of a carriage and knew their sound. “Aunt's gone out driving,” said I, and immediately began the attack again.