Mything Persons

route. We don't know where the opposition's holed up.

We're going to have to walk through crowds on this

hunt, and that walk just doesn't make it. Ninety percent

of costuming is learning to move like the character

you're trying to portray. Right now you move like

you're looking for a fight."

"Try walking like Don Bruce," I suggested. "He's a

gangster, too."

That earned me a black look, but my bodyguard tried

to follow my instructions, rising up on the balls of his

feet and mincing along.

"Better," Tananda said, leaving Guido prancing up

and down the room with a scowl on his face.

"How are we doing?"

"Lousy," she confided in me. "This is taking a lot

longer, than it should. I wish there were more mirrors in

this place... heck, any mirrors would be nice."

It hadn't been until we started gearing up that we real-

ized the Dispatcher had no mirrors at all. He claimed

they weren't popular or necessary among vampires.

This left us with the unenviable job of checking each

others' make-up and costumes, a chore which would

have been Homeric even if less sensitive egos were in-

volved.

"How're my teeth?" Massha demanded, sticking her

head in front of me and opening her mouth.

It was like staring into the depths of an underground

cave.

"Umm ... the left side is okay, but you're still miss-

ing a few on the right. Hang on a second and I'll give

you a hand."

Teeth were turning out to be a special problem. We

had hoped to find some of the rubber fangs so prevalent

in the Bazaar novelty stores to aid in our disguises. Un-

fortunately, none of the shops in Blut had them. The

closest thing they had in stock, according to Vilhelm,

were rubber sets of human teeth designed to fit over

fangs. The vampire assured us that locally they were

considered quite frightening. Faced by this unforeseen

shortage, we were resorting to using tooth-black to

blacken all our teeth except the canines for a close ap-

proximation of the vampires we were trying to imitate.

When we tried it out, it wasn't a bad effect, but the ac-

tual application was causing countless problems. When

one tried to apply the stuff on oneself without a mirror,

it was difficult to get the right teeth, and if one called on

one's friends for assistance, one rapidly found that said

friend was soon possessed by an overpowering impulse

to paint one's tongue black instead of the teeth.

"I don't like this cloak," Guido announced, grabbing

my arm. "I want to wear my trench coat."

"Vampires don't wear trench coats," I said firmly.

"Besides, the cloak really looks great on you. Makes

you look ... I don't know, debonair but menacing."

"Yeah?" he retorted skeptically, craning his neck to

try to see himself.

"You think you've got problems?" Massha burst in.

"Look at what I'm supposed to wear! I'll trade your

cloak for this rig any day."

As you might have noticed, the team was having more

than a little difficulty adapting to their disguises.

Massha in particular was rebelling against her costume.

After having been floated over our escape like a bal-

loon over a parade, we feared that she would be one of

the most immediately recognizable of our group. As

such, we not only dyed her garish orange hair, we in-

140

Robert Asprin

sisted that her new costume cover as much of her as pos-

sible. To this end, Vilhelm had found a dress he called a

"moo-moo," a name which did nothing toward endear-

ing the garment to my apprentice.

"I mean, really. High Roller," she said, backing me

toward a corner. "Isn't it bad enough that half the

town's seen me as a blimp? Tell me I don't have to be a

cow now."

"Honest, Massha," Vilhelm put in. "The style is

fairly popular here in Blut. A lot of the ladies wear it

who are ... that is, are a bit...."

"Fat!?"

She loomed over the little vampire.

"Is that the word you're groping for, Short and

About To Become Extinct?"

"Let's face it, dear," Tananda said, coming to the

rescue. "You are carrying a little extra weight there.

Believe me, if there's one time you can't kid yourself

about your body, it's when you're donning costumes. If

anything, that outfit makes you look a little slimmer."

"Don't try to kid a kidder, sweetie," Massha sighed.

"But you're right about the costuming thing. This thing

is so drab, though. First I'm a blimp, and now I'm an

army tent."

"Now that I'll agree with," Tananda nodded. "Trust

a man to find a drab mu-mu. Tell you what. There's a

scarf I was going to use for a belt, but maybe you could

wear it around your neck."

I was afraid that last crack would touch off another

explosion, but Massha took it as a helpful suggestion

and the two of them went off in search of other possible

adornments.

"Got a minute, partner?"

From the tone of Aahz's voice, I knew the moment I

had been dreading had arrived.

MYTH-ING PERSONS 141

Chumley didn't have to worry about a disguise at all,

as trolls were not uncommon in this dimension. Ta-

nanda also insisted that she looked enough like a vam-

pire to pass with only minimal modifications. I hadn't

seen any vampires withgreen hair, but she claimed that

she had, so, as always, I yielded to her greater ex-