Paperbacks from Hell [N.F. - Literature, Art]

The message seemed to be that women should have babies by finding them in a cabbage patch or receiving them from a stork, the way nature intended, rather than using their dangerous, weird-looking wombs. But for those who insisted on doing things the hard way, these novels were full of long descriptions of medical procedures like amniocentesis and culdoscopy. Books like Embryo (1980) served, on the one hand, as thrillers about insane gynecologists trying to produce a master race of identical Swedish babies, and on the other as racy versions of What to Expect When You’re Expecting.

The terrifying truth about childbirth is that carrying the fetus to term is merely the first step on the long road to having your house to yourself again. Every fetus eventually turns into a child, and, as so many wise men and women in the horror paperback industry know, terror toddles on two chubby legs.

In the world of horror paperbacks, child-rearing has few rewards. If you manage to avoid the deranged surrogate mothers who orgasm during labor and want to steal back their baby and send it to heaven with its brothers and sisters (Hush Little Baby, 1982), and you can dodge the secret cult stealing Jewish babies and selling them for $50,000 a pop (Crib), you still must care for the infant itself, which comes with its own challenges. Babies can be fussy, and the fussiest babies have a body count.

Of course, every mother thinks her baby is perfect, but at some point, as her home fills with dead bodies, she has to face facts and admit that the fruit of her womb is a face-eating beast spawned from the deepest recesses of hell. If Whitney Houston is right, and the children are indeed our future, then we need to approach our future with maximum caution.

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Parenting the Homicidal Child

As long as they belong to someone else, homicidal children can be a joy. They’re highly accomplished, respectful to those they’re not murdering, and when they’re finally arrested, you’re left feeling that much better about your own little underachievers, whose terrible table manners suddenly seem like a testament to their normalcy rather than your poor parenting.

But what to do if the sinister suckling lives under your roof? How does one parent the homicidal child? First, make sure that what you’re dealing with is in fact a child and not just, say, a slow-growing adult who shaves his pubic hair to appear prepubescent (The Next). Second, it’s important to determine what kind of homicidal child you have:

a) adopted (The Godsend, 1976)

b) chemically altered (Childmare, 1980)

c) possessed (The Moonchild, 1978)

d) reincarnated (The Children, 1982)

e) poorly parented (Mama’s Little Girl, 1983)

f) inappropriately violent for no good reason (Prissy, 1978)

g) in possession of psychic powers (The Savior, 1978)

h) Satan spawn (Seed of Evil, 1988)

Adopted or chemically altered children should be destroyed immediately because they cannot be reformed. No matter how hard you try, they probably will, at some point, go on a rampage and murder all your other children. Possessed children are usually pawns of a revenge-seeking spirit and, helpfully, often come with instructions for how best to lay the spirit to rest and return your child to normalcy, albeit with a few murders on the little angel’s rap sheet. Reincarnated children are tricky. Seek professional help.

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Kids can be a handful, especially if they aren’t actually kids (The Next), control reality via a dollhouse (Kate’s House), or catch on to the fact that you’re practicing human slavery (The Sky Children). But as long as you keep them away from leaded gasoline (Childmare), don’t let them grow monster arms (The Moonchild), and don’t kidnap them (Prissy), you should survive. Credit 39

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Some crossover exists between poorly parented children and children who are inappropriately violent for no good reason, but it’s best to stay out of the way of either type. Same for children in possession of psychic powers.

The most important thing to remember is that it is not your fault. Many children are born evil and must be taught to be good. As the famous French writer Alain Robbe-Grillet said, “What do little girls dream about? Knives and blood.” Or, as Erma Bombeck said, “A child needs your love most when he deserves it least.” For example, after he has murdered a news anchor by shooting him in the face (The Children) or as he’s lighting your wife’s teenaged lover on fire (Tricycle).