Portnoy’s Complaint

How do I account for Smolka and his daring? He has a mother who works. Mine, remember, patrols the six rooms of our apartment the way a guerilla army moves across its own countryside- there's not a single closet or drawer of mine whose contents she hasn't a photographic sense of. Smolka's mother, on the other hand, sits all day by a little light in a little chair in the corner of his father's store, taking seams in and out, and by the time she gets home at night, hasn't the strength to get out her Geiger counter and start in hunting for her child's hair-raising collection of French ticklers. The Smolkas, you must understand, are not so rich as we- and therein lies the final difference. A mother who works and no Venetian blinds… yes, this sufficiently explains everything to me- how come he swims at Olympic Park as well as why he is always grabbing at everybody else's putz. He lives on Hostess cupcakes and his own wits. I get a hot lunch and all the inhibitions thereof. But don't get me wrong (as though that were possible): during a winter snowstorm what is more thrilling, while stamping off the slush on the back landing at lunchtime, than to hear "Aunt Jenny" coming over the kitchen radio, and to smell cream of tomato soup heating up on the stove? What beats freshly laundered and ironed pajamas any season of the year, and a bedroom fragrant with furniture polish? How would I like my underwear all gray and jumbled up in my drawer, as Smolka's always is? I wouldn't. How would I like socks without toes and nobody to bring me hot lemonade and honey when my throat is sore?

Conversely, how would I like Bubbles Girardi to come to my own house in the afternoon and blow me, as she did Smolka, on his own bed?

…

Of some ironic interest. Last spring, whom do I run in to down on Worth Street, but the old circle-jerker himself, Mr. Mandel, carrying a sample case full of trusses, braces, and supports. And do you know? That he was still living and breathing absolutely astonished me. I couldn't get over it- I haven't yet. And married too, domesticated, with a wite and two little children- and a "ranch" house in Maplewood, New Jersey. Mandel lives, owns a length of garden hose, he tells me, and a barbecue and briquets! Mandel, who, out of awe of Pupi Campo and Tito Valdez, went off to City Hall the day after quitting high school and had his first name officially changed from Arnold to Ba-ba-lu. Mandel, who drank "six-packs" of beer! Miraculous. Can't be! How on earth did it happen that retribution passed him by? There he was, year in and year out, standing in idleness and ignorance on the corner of Chancellor and Leslie, perched like some greaser over his bongo drums, his duck's ass bare to the heavens- and nothing and nobody struck him down! And now he is thirty-three, like me, and a salesman for his wife's father, who has a surgical supply house on Market Street in Newark. And what about me, he asks, what do I do for a living? Really, doesn't he know? Isn't he on my parents' mailing list? Doesn't everyone know I am now the most moral man in all of New York, all pure motives and humane and compassionate ideals? Doesn't he know that what I do for a living is I'm good? "Civil Service," I answered, pointing across to Thirty Worth. Mister Modesty.

"You still see any of the guys?" Ba-ba-lu asked. "You married?"

"No, no."

Inside the new jowls, the old furtive Latin-American greaser comes to life. "So, uh, what do you do for pussy?"

"I have affairs. Am, and I beat my meat."

Mistake, I think instantly. Mistake! What if he blabs to the Daily News? ASST HUMAN OPP’Y COMMISH FLOGS DUMMY, Also Lives in Sin, Reports Old School Chum.

The headlines. Always the headlines revealing my filthy secrets to a shocked and disapproving world.

"Hey," said Ba-ba-lu, "remember Rita Girardi? Bubbles? Who used to suck us all off?"

"… What about her?" Lower your voice, Ba-ba-lu! "What about her?"

"Didn't you read in the News?"

"-What News?"

"The Newark News."

"I don't see the Newark papers any more. What happened to her?"

"She got murdered. In a bar on Hawthorne Avenue, right down from The Annex. She was with some boogey and then some other boogey came in and shot them both in the head. How do you like that? Fucking for boogies."

"Wow," I said, and meant it. Then suddenly- "Listen, Ba-ba-lu, whatever happened to Smolka?"

"Don't know," says Ba-ba-lu. "Ain't he a professor? I think I heard he was a professor."

"A professor? Smolka?"

I think he is some kind of college teacher."

"Oh, can't be," I say with my superior sneer.

"Yeah. That's what somebody said. Down at Princeton."

" Princeton ?"