Self-discovery

Yes, but if you look at things objectively, nothing so horrible would happen if there was a thermonuclear catastrophe, either. Well, so something exploded, and the radioactive foundation of the atmosphere increased. But is the earth still spinning on its axis? Yes. And around the sun? Yes. That means the stability of the solar system has not been harmed, and everything is all right.

“You don't like people!” Lena had said to Ivanov. What's so is so. Hilobok's stink, quitting the institute, bumping into our invention yesterday — they were all steps on the stairway to misanthropy. And there are plenty of such steps in the life of every active person. If you compare life experience with engineering experience you could really come to the conclusion that it's easier to develop machines in which everything is rational and clear.

But, all right; but do I like people? It will all depend on that, what I continue working on.

I had never thought about it…. Well, I love me, however terrible that may be. I loved my father. I love (let's say) Lena. If I ever have children, I guess I'll love them. I don't exactly love Valery, but I respect him. But as for all the people that walk around on the street, that I run across in my work, in public places, that I read about in the newspapers and hear about — what are they to me? And who am I to them? I like good — looking women, smart, cheerful men, but I despise fools and drunks, can't stand auto inspectors, and am cool toward old people. And in the morning rush hour I sometimes get the TBB — the trolley and bus bananas — when I want to smash everyone on the head and jump out the window. In a word, I have the most varied feelings about people.

Aha, that's the point. We feel respect, love, contempt, shame, fear, pride, sympathy, and so on about people. And about machines? Well, they elicit emotions, too. It's pleasant to work with a good machine, and you feel sorry if you've ruined a machine or piece of equipment. You might curse yourself before you find the trouble.. but that's completely different. These are feelings not about the machines, but the people who made them and used them. Or could use them. Even the fear of the atom bomb is merely the reflection of our fear of the people who made it and plan to put it into use. And the plans of people who build machines that will push man into the background also elicit fear.

I love life. I love feeling everything — that's for sure. And what kind of life could there be without people? That's ridiculous. Naturally, if you juxtapose Ivanov's computer — factory to my computer — womb….

It's clear. I choose people!

And the wise and strong Valery is even weaker than I am. He doesn't pick his work; his work picks him.

(Come on, be honest — deep — down honest, Krivoshein. If you didn't have a method for creating man on your hands, wouldn't you espouse the point of view in favor of computers? Every one of us specialists is always trying to give our work an ideological base. You can't simply admit that you're doing the work only because you don't know how to do anything else! A confession like that for a creative worker is tantamount to bankruptcy.

By the way, do I know how to do what I'm planning to do?…)

Enough! Of course, all this is very intellectual and nice: putting myself down, bemoaning my imperfections, worrying about the discrepancy between my dreams and actions. But where is that knight of the spirit with a higher education and experience in the field to whom I could turn over the project with a clear conscience? Ivanov? No. Azarov? I never got a chance to find out. And the work is waiting.

So whatever I may be, my finger will rest on the button for now.

October 28, A phone call at the lab.

“Well, Val, have you decided to do it?”

“No, Valery.”

“Too bad. We would have done some fine work. But, I understand. Give her my regards. She's a nice woman; I'm happy for you.”

“Thanks. I'll tell her.”

“Well, so long. Drop in when you're in Leningrad.”

“Without fail! Have a good flight, Valery.”

You don't understand a damn thing, Valery. The hell with it. It's over! I think I've gotten my itch to work back. Thanks for that, Valery, at least for that!

Chapter 18

You never know what's good and what's bad. Stenography came about because of poor penmanship and the theory of reliability from breakdowns in machines.

— K. Prutkov — engineer, Thought 100

November 1. And so, without wanting to, I've proven that in controlling synthesis, you can create a psychopath and a slave on the basis of information on, say, an average person. It happened because the introduction of auxiliary information was done through crude violence (oh, I just can't couch this “result” in academic phrases!). Now as a minimum goal, I must prove the opposite possibility.