Side Effects May Vary

Harvey knelt down next to the tub for damage control. All four and a half pounds of Goliath tensed with stress in anticipation of the running water, but once he felt the warmth hit him, his body melted entirely. I massaged the shampoo deep into his fur, and his neck drooped a bit as I loosened cakes of dirt that the shelter had missed. Harvey rinsed him down, using a big plastic cup, and then wrapped him in a fluffy towel straight from the dryer.

After toweling off Goliath and letting him loose on the bathroom floor, Harvey reached down with both hands and pulled me to my feet. My knees wobbled, and my feet slid beneath the soap suds, but he steadied me, holding me firmly in place. As I stepped over the tub, Harvey reached for another towel and draped it over my shoulders.

At that moment I wanted nothing more than to burrow myself into Harvey’s chest. He wrapped his arms around my waist and dipped his head to my shoulder, where he rested his cheek. Goliath explored the bathroom floor and licked our feet experimentally.

Harvey held me tightly like I might slip away, and just once I tried to. I tried to fall out of his arms, but he pulled me back to him. I reached up, circling his neck with my arms, and played with the overgrown curls at his neck. He sighed quietly.

Harvey picked his head up from my shoulder and his brown eyes found mine, and then it occurred to me: nothing was private anymore, not between us.

He kissed me, a quick kiss at first, his lips sealed. I remembered that night at Lake Quasipi and then again at prom. If there was going to be another step, I would have to be the one to make it. I held the back of his neck and pulled him down to me. I expected him to be sweet and slow, but he wasn’t. His hands ran over my sides and down the slope of my back as he kissed my shoulders. His fingers left a scorching trail over my skin, nothing like Luke’s sweaty hands. Harvey’s lips met mine. I felt the coppery taste of blood on my tongue. I didn’t want to, but I pushed him back.

“My mouth,” I said. “My gums have been hurting.”

“I think I can find other things to kiss besides your mouth,” he whispered.

A shiver of heat spread up my spine and through my belly as his lips fell on my cheekbones and my forehead and my eyelids and my neck. For a moment, I forgot about my droopy bathing suit, and my bleeding gums turned into a whisper as the pain in my joints eased.

My chest tightened. “Stop,” I breathed.

He did, but held me up by my shoulders.

“I can’t—I need to catch my breath.”

He pulled me into his arms while Goliath licked my toes. In this moment, it wasn’t fair, and I wanted to stay. I was scared and angry but mostly angry because I didn’t want to die. I didn’t want to die and leave Harvey and my parents and Natalie. I could have had this, but whatever lottery decided life and death chose differently. My whole life could have been this—Harvey and me standing as close as physics would allow. Panic began to knot in my chest. I would be gone. I would die and be nothing but remains and my memories would be lost forever, and that made me want to scream and claw at the universe, begging it to let me stay.

Harvey began to sway from side to side, with me still in his arms.

We stayed like that for a while, and I let his touch soothe me as we danced to a silent song only we could hear.

The next step I left up to Harvey. I told him to take Goliath next door along with the bag of food, treats, toys, and information from the shelter. Harvey had strict instructions to tie Goliath’s leash to the light post in Miss Porter’s front yard, ring the doorbell, and then haul ass out of there.

For a moment, I thought about keeping Goliath for myself. My parents wouldn’t say no. Not right now. He’d looked so scared. But I couldn’t. In a few months, I’d orphan the poor dog all over again.

I collapsed onto my bed and eyed the collection of prescription drugs on my nightstand until I found the painkillers that knocked me out like damn elephant tranquilizers. The good stuff, the stuff doctors doled out when they felt really bad for you.

The next few minutes were spent drifting in and out of consciousness. I heard a loud squeal of sheer delight, loud enough to penetrate the double pane of my bedroom window. Harvey cracked open my bedroom door, his face flushed red, his chest heaving. He had this enormous grin on his face, and before he could say anything, I beat him to the punch.

“Good deeds are tiring, and entirely overrated,” I said, laughing a little. I was exhausted, but it had been worth it.

Harvey collapsed into the old wicker rocking chair in the far corner of my room. He said nothing, but his stupid smile said everything. I fell asleep to the sound of Goliath’s nervous yelps echoing from next door, and the rhythmic squeaking of the floorboards beneath the rocking chair.

Alice. Now.