The adulteress

I put my hand to my face. There were tears there. How had I shed them? What were they? Tears of happiness, the result of this tremendous excitement which had taken possession of me, tears of shame ... for that was there too.

He put his arms about me and held me close to him. "I love you," he said.

"I love you," I answered.

"Dear Zipporah ... be happy... ."

"I am ... and then I'm not."

"It had to be."

"It should never have been."

"It has been."

"Oh God," I said, and I was praying aloud. I wanted to go back. I didn't want this to have happened. "Let me go back... . Let it be early this afternoon. Let me walk in the opposite direction ... away from Enderby."

He stroked my face.

"Dearest," he said, "it had to be ... right from the first it had to be. Whatever happens now we have had this. It is worth everything ... all the anticipation that was, all the regretting to come. We met as we did. We went through our little adventure of the will, but that is not the point. There are people who are meant to love ... to mate ... they must. It is their destiny. Don't blame yourself because you were suddenly awakened. You have been dormant too long, my darling Zipporah."

"What have I done?" I said. "My husband ..."

He held me fast against him. "Come away with me," he said. "You will never have to face him then."

"Leave my home ... my husband ... my family ..."

"For me."

"I could never do that. That would be the ultimate betrayal."

"You were meant to love as we have loved. We would have a wonderful life together."

"No," I said. "I must go from here. We must not meet again. This must be forgotten. It must be as though it never was. I must go home to my husband ... to my family. We must forget ... forget... ."

"Do you think I am ever going to forget? Are you?"

"I shall live with this all the rest of my life. I shall never be at peace again. I feel now that I shall wake up and find that it never really happened."

"And the most exciting experience of your life was not real! You want that!"

"I don't know. But I must go. What if anyone came back and found me here ... like this ... ?" I half rose but he had pulled me back. He held me firmly, and he was laughing, a hint of triumph in his voice.

Then he was making love to me again and my resolutions slipped away. I was drowned once more in that sea of passion. There was nothing else that mattered. I was powerless to resist.

As I lay exhausted by my emotion, listening to the sounds of the fair in the distance, I felt I was now irrevocably lost.

The curtains about the bed were half drawn and the sun glinting through the windows touched them with a shade of red. Through my half-closed eyes for a few moments they might have been red velvet... .

There is something strange here, I thought, something uncanny. I knew then that I had started to make my excuses.

I did not rise. I lay there beside him and I listened to his seductive voice telling me that we could go away together. We could leave for France by the end of the week. He would make me happy as I had not dreamed of happiness. He knew that he had opened a new world to me. He had shown me a side to my nature that I had never known existed. I had been happy with Jean-Louis; our life had been, as I thought, satisfactory in all ways. It could never be so again because I knew that with my husband I had never explored those realms of erotic excitement to which Gerard had introduced me. I would always crave for them ... long for them. It was as though he had opened a door to a part of my nature which I had not known existed and the new experiences to which I had been introduced would make demands upon me. I should never be satisfied with my marriage after this.

How long did we lie there with the sounds of the fair going on and on in the background? I had no notion of time ... it slipped away. There were moments when I forgot everything but our passion. I deliberately refused to think of anything else; not that I had to make a great effort. But I did know that time was passing and even he—reckless as I guessed him to be—was aware of that. The servants would be coming back. How could my presence in the house be explained?

So he agreed that we must go. I soberly dressed. I could not understand my mood, which was half defiant, half exultant. If I could go back, would I? No, I would not. I had lived this afternoon as I would never have believed was possible. I didn't want to change anything ... not yet. Let me live in my magic cocoon a little longer.

He turned to me and held me in his arms, tenderly kissing my brow, stroking my hair, telling me he loved me.

"We must meet soon," he said. "I must talk to you... . We must make plans."

"I shall go back to my home. I must."

"I shall not allow it. When can we meet? Tonight? Come out by the shrubbery."

At last I said I would.