The Black Swan

I am very unhappy. I wish you were here so that I could tell you about it. Joel is back. I should never have married Roland.

Joel wants me to leave Roland and go to him. I want it too, Rebecca. I know there can never be anyone else for me but Joel. Yet what can I do? I have married Roland. It seems as though I used him when I needed someone-and that is really the truth.

It seemed right at the time. He has been so good to me. I have told him about Joel. He is very sad but he wants to do what is best for me. I don’t know whether it means that he will let me go. He wants time to think. But just suppose he did let me go. Suppose he divorced me. It is the only possible way. I suppose a divorced woman would not be too good for a rising politician. What can I do, Rebecca? It seems that whichever way I turn someone is going to be badly hurt ...

I tore up the letter.

I could not possibly write to her in that way. It sounded almost incoherent. If only I could talk to her. Suppose I went down to Cornwall? I could explain to Roland how close we had always been, how she had always helped me over my difficulties. Ideas whirled round and round in my head.

No, I must write to her.

Dear Rebecca,

I am at the above address. It is a house we have rented while we look round. Roland wants to buy a house in this neighborhood. There is so much I want to tell you. I do wish you were here. Perhaps I could come down and see you. It must be soon. Belinda is having a little difficulty, too, but her affairs are sorting themselves out. I’ll tell you all about it when we meet. It may be that she will have everything settled by then.

Dear Rebecca, I must see you. It is difficult to write and explain. I shall be arriving at High Tor very soon. You said it would be all right for me to come at any time. So please expect me. I need to talk to you.

Love to Pedrek and the children and to you as ever, dear sister,

Lucie

I read it through. It was a strange letter. It sounded mysterious so she would know something was very wrong. I would tell Roland that I must go as soon as possible.

Rebecca was level headed and wise. Moreover she had my interests at heart. I must go to her. I sealed the letter and put it into a drawer. Tomorrow I would ride into Bracken and post it. I would talk to Roland tonight and tell him I was going to Cornwall. Roland did not return until it was almost time for dinner, and there was not time for conversation until after we had retired for the night.

He looked pale and very unhappy. He regarded me sadly when I said, “Roland, I want to go and see Rebecca.”

“To Cornwall!” he cried.

“Yes. You know she and I mean a lot to each other ... as well as being half sisters.

I want to talk to her.”

He nodded.

“You do understand,” I went on. “I feel if I talked to her... someone sympathetic... someone who understands me ... it would help a lot.”

“Can’t you talk to me? Can’t we sort out our own affairs?”

“We become... too emotional. I feel so wretched ... I hate to hurt you... and I can’t hurt Joel... Rebecca is calm and understanding.”

“If you go away,” he said, “you will never come back. Wait a little, Lucie. Don’t make hasty decisions.”

There was a knock on the door. Phillida stood there with a tray. She stood beaming at us.

“This will give you a good night’s sleep,” she said. “You look as if you need it, Roland.”