The Compassionate Instinct

WHY DOESN’T HE SEE IT?

HER: The house is a wreck! Why didn’t you put a load of laundry in the wash, put the dishes in the dishwasher, or just take out the garbage that’s overflowing?

HIM: I didn’t notice.

 

We have found that this conversation resonates with virtually all of our research participants—either as the complainer or the complained about. Complainers say, incredulously, “How can he (or she) not see it!?” Their partners claim earnestly that they really didn’t notice the mess and don’t understand why their partners are so upset. To make matters worse for the complainers, not only do their unaware partners fail to notice the dirty windows, piles of laundry, or overflowing garbage; they don’t even notice when someone else takes care of these problems. Although gender is a strong predictor of who will perform household labor (conservative estimates suggest that women perform two-thirds of all household tasks, not including child care), it isn’t entirely clear why women take on this burden even in cases where they earn 50 percent or more of a family’s income.

Our research suggests that one of the keys to determining who will perform a specific household task is each partner’s “response threshold,” which describes the degree of disorder that must exist before someone is sufficiently bothered to perform a task that’s not being done. Individuals with low response thresholds for a specific task are moved to perform the task earlier than those who have a higher threshold. Interestingly, this theory is originally based on studies of social networks and division of labor among ants and bees. In her research, entomologist Jennifer Few-ell found that certain bees were almost always the ones to take action once the level of honey in the hive had dropped to a particular level. In addition, she discovered that their work reduced the chance that other, higher-threshold bees would perform the job in the future.

We’ve all seen the same dynamics play out among humans. For example, if Joan’s partner Ted is disturbed when the trash in the wastebasket approaches the rim, whereas it doesn’t bother her until the trash spills onto the floor, Ted will take out the trash before Joan is moved to do so. If the difference in their disturbance levels is great enough, Joan never will empty the trash, because Ted will always take care of it before it bothers her, possibly before she ever even notices the garbage.

What’s more, if one partner does something well, that increases the chance he’ll perform that task again, just as failing at the task (or a lack of opportunity to complete it) decreases the chance he’ll get another turn. Then consider that before long, the partner who performs a task more frequently will likely be seen as a specialist at it. Taken together, these facts explain how one partner can get stuck with a household chore.

Consider Cristina and Stephen: Cristina began doing the laundry because she had a lower threshold for piles of dirty clothes, but through repetition, she became an “expert” at laundry, and ultimately, she and Stephen came to see the task as “hers.” Partners may have different thresholds for many (or even most) tasks. If one partner’s threshold level consistently is lower than the other’s, then that first partner will take on a greater share of the housework. He might be able to tolerate this imbalance if his partner appreciated his extra work, but too often it’s taken for granted.

WHY ISN’T SHE GRATEFUL?

HER: So that roommate that I had last year was horrible. She never thanked me for anything, she never cleaned the house—it was horrible. Yeah, I wouldn’t live with her again.

 

Arlie Hochschild’s theory of “the economy of gratitude” explains why underperformers often aren’t grateful for their partner’s efforts and don’t pitch in their fair share. Hochschild argues that in relationships, individuals offer each other “gifts,” which are something extra, beyond what is expected. Therefore, if the laundry (or trash, or dishes, or all of the above) is defined as “yours,” then your partner is unlikely to feel gratitude toward you for doing it. After all, you are just doing what you are “supposed” to do, what you are “so much better” at doing. In fact, he may argue, since the undone task bothers you, that you aren’t doing it for him, but for yourself. Thus, he is unlikely to feel gratitude—because he doesn’t view your efforts as a gift to him.

In terms of the division of labor, then, household partners often develop this pattern: the person with the lower threshold performs tasks before the partner is moved to do so; the tasks come to be defined as “hers” the partner does not feel responsible for performing the task—and he does not feel grateful, because the overperformer is just doing “her” job, all of which makes him less likely to lend a hand in the future.