The Complete Yes Minister

I understand this argument, but it’s clearly untenable in public. So next I asked about Rhodes’s proposal for saving money on stationery orders. Why hadn’t we accepted it?

‘Minister,’ said Humphrey vehemently, ‘that man was a troublemaker. A crank. He had an unhealthy obsession about efficiency and economy.’

‘But why didn’t we adopt his proposal? It would have saved millions of pounds.’

‘It would have meant a lot of work to implement it.’

‘So?’

‘Taking on a lot more staff.’

This argument was manifest nonsense. I told him so. He seemed unbothered.

‘Disprove it,’ he challenged me.

‘I can’t, obviously.’

‘Exactly,’ he replied smugly.

I stared at him. I had suddenly realised what was going on. ‘You’re making all this up aren’t you?’ I said.

He smiled. ‘Of course.’

‘Why?’

He stood up.

‘As an example,’ he said in his most superior manner, ‘of how to handle a Select Committee.’

[The following week the same Select Committee met Sir Humphrey. Mrs Oldham questioned him closely on the Rhodes disclosures and proposals. The evidence taken that day is printed below – Ed.]

Mrs Betty Oldham: This is all very well, Sir Humphrey, but let’s get down to details. This heated aircraft hangar for example.

Sir Humphrey Appleby: Indeed, I fully understand the Committee’s concern. But it can be very cold in Herefordshire in winter, and even civil servants cannot work in subzero temperatures.

Mrs Betty Oldham: We aren’t talking about civil servants. We are talking about coils of wire, with plastic coats to keep them warm.

Sir Humphrey Appleby: Yes, but staff are in and out all the time.

Mrs Betty Oldham: Why?

Sir Humphrey Appleby: Taking deliveries, making withdrawals, checking records, security patrols, fire inspection, stock-taking and auditing, and so forth.

Mrs Betty Oldham: Well, they can wear gloves can’t they?

Sir Humphrey Appleby: They could. It’s a question of staff welfare policy.

Mrs Betty Oldham: Well, I suggest this policy is costing the taxpayer millions of pounds. (silence) Nothing to say, Sir Humphrey?

Sir Humphrey Appleby: It is not for me to comment on government policy. You must ask the Minister.

Mrs Betty Oldham: But you advise the Minister.

Sir Humphrey Appleby: I think the Chairman is aware that I cannot disclose how I advise my Minister. The Minister is responsible for policy.

Mrs Betty Oldham: All right. So we’ll ask the Minister. Now then, what about those stationery requisition savings?

Sir Humphrey Appleby: That would have involved putting very considerable government patronage in the hands of junior staff.

Mrs Betty Oldham: Considerable government patronage? Buying a packet of paper-clips?

Sir Humphrey Appleby: It is government policy to exercise strict control over the number of people allowed to spend its money. I’m sure you’ll agree that this is right and proper.

Mrs Betty Oldham: But it’s plain common sense to allow people to buy their own paper-clips.

Sir Humphrey Appleby: Government policy has nothing to do with common sense.

Mrs Betty Oldham: Well, don’t you think it’s time that the policy was changed? (silence) Well, Sir Humphrey?

Sir Humphrey Appleby: It is not for me to comment on government policy. You must ask the Minister.

Mrs Betty Oldham: But the Minister advises us to ask you.

Sir Humphrey Appleby: And I am advising you to ask the Minister.

Mr Alan Hughes: When does this end?

Sir Humphrey Appleby: As soon as you like.

Mrs Betty Oldham: Well, let’s come to the roof garden.

Sir Humphrey Appleby: With pleasure. It was part of a wide variety of roof insulation schemes which the government undertook to test, in the interest of fuel economy.

Mrs Betty Oldham: Seventy-five thousand pounds?

The actual report of Sir Humphrey Appleby’s evidence to the Select Committee, reproduced by kind permission of HMSO.

[We have reprinted it in more readable form – Ed.]

Sir Humphrey Appleby: It was thought that the sale of flowers and vegetable produce might offset the cost.

Mrs Betty Oldham: And did it?

Sir Humphrey Appleby: No.

Mrs Betty Oldham: Then why not abandon the garden?