The Complete Yes Minister

He sighed heavily and looked at the ceiling. He was becoming impatient. ‘On the contrary, the PM is not pleased because you’re covering up too well.’

This baffled me even more.

He explained. ‘You’re protecting the Civil Service. You’re protecting Humphrey Appleby. The PM and I are doing our level best to expose why cuts in public expenditure are not taking place – and you’re helping the Civil Service to defy the Government.’

‘Am I?’ My brain was reeling. How could I be doing that?

‘You were wondering where Betty Oldham got the advance proofs of that book. And where Malcolm Rhodes got the inside information.’ He smiled at me. And waited. I just stared at him, blankly. ‘Can’t you guess?’ he asked eventually, with pity in his voice.

Suddenly the light dawned. ‘You mean . . . the PM?’ I whispered.

Sir Mark looked shocked. ‘Of course not . . . not directly.’

‘You mean,’ I whispered again, ‘you?’

He sipped his drink and smiled.

So that was it. Whether wittingly or unwittingly, Malcom Rhodes and Betty Oldham had been put up to this by the PM’s special adviser. And therefore, in effect, by the PM.

Therefore . . . therefore what? What do I do at the Select Committee? What does Number Ten want?

‘There’s only one course open to you,’ Sir Mark added enigmatically. ‘Absolute loyalty.’

‘Ah,’ I said, and then realised that my worries were not fully answered. ‘But, er, who to?’

‘That’s your decision,’ he said.

I think I know what is expected of me. I think.

October 15th

Today we met the Select Committee and I really put the cat among the pigeons.

They started with the plastic-coated copper wire in the heated sheds. Humphrey gave the answer that he and I had agreed he would give when we met earlier today. He said that the error actually occurred before some important facts were known and that he was able to answer the Committee that no such oversight could possibly occur again.

He asked me to agree.

My answer surprised him.

‘Yes,’ I said. ‘Sir Humphrey’s reply is absolutely correct. The correct official reply.’ He glanced at me quickly. ‘But I’ve been thinking very deeply since our last meeting’ (which was true!) ‘and really there is no doubt that this Committee is on to something.’

Humphrey turned and stared at me in astonishment.

‘Of course there’s waste,’ I continued carefully, ‘whatever the excuses that we can always find for individual cases. You have convinced me that our whole attitude is wrong.’

It was clear from the expression on his face that they had not convinced Sir Humphrey.

Nevertheless, I took my courage in both hands, and continued. ‘Ministers and their civil servants cover up and defend where we should seek out and destroy.’ Sir Humphrey was now absolutely aghast. ‘I have spoken to Mr Malcom Rhodes, the author of this invaluable book, and he has agreed to give extensive evidence to an outside independent enquiry which I shall set up.’ I could see Sir Humphrey out of the corner of my eye, putting his head in his hands. ‘This will examine the whole of government administration, starting with my Department.’

The Chairman looked pleased. ‘How does Sir Humphrey react to this?’ he asked.

Sir Humphrey lifted his head from his hands and tried to speak. But no words came out.

I quickly answered for him. ‘He is in full agreement. We work as a team, don’t we Humphrey?’ He nodded weakly. ‘And I may say he’s a pleasure to work with.’

Meanwhile, Betty Oldham had been thrown into a state of confusion. She was still trying to attack me, but there was no longer any reason to do so.

‘But Minister,’ she complained shrilly, ‘this account of what’s been going on doesn’t square with what you were saying in your Washington speech about a ruthless war on waste.’

I was ready for that. In my most patronising manner I explained my position. ‘Well Betty,’ I said, ‘I’m an old-fashioned sort of chap. I believe in things like loyalty. Whatever you say to them privately, you defend your chaps in public. Eh, Humphrey?’

Humphrey was now eyeing me as if I were a rabid dog.

‘In that case,’ pressed Mrs Oldham, ‘aren’t you being rather disloyal to them now?’

‘No,’ I explained charmingly, ‘because in the end a Minister has a higher loyalty – a loyalty to Parliament, a loyalty to the nation. And that loyalty must take precedence, come what may, painful as it may be. My belief is that one is loyal to one’s department and one’s officials until the evidence is overwhelming. But I must now say in public what I have long been saying in private: that reforms can and will be carried out and I know that in Sir Humphrey I will find my staunchest ally. Isn’t that so, Humphrey?’

‘Yes Minister,’ replied my staunchest ally in a thin choking voice of pure hatred.