The Complete Yes Minister

We sat for a while in silence. I must say, I think it was rather sporting of Humphrey to remind me that a marginal constituency was at stake. Normally civil servants take no interest in those vital political calculations.

Clearly, I couldn’t possibly risk a strike up there. But I was feeling really hopeless about these economies by now. I decided to put the ball back into Humphrey’s court.

‘Look, Humphrey,’ I said, ‘this is all very well… but… well, I just don’t believe that there are no savings to be made in the Civil Service. I see waste everywhere.’

‘I agree with you, Minister,’ came the reply, much to my surprise. ‘There is indeed scope for economy…’

‘Then…’ I interrupted, ‘… where, for God’s sake?’

And to my surprise, Sir Humphrey suddenly became very positive. ‘I sometimes feel that the whole way we do things is on too lavish a scale. You know, cars, furnishings, private office staff, entertainment, duplicating machines….’

This was marvellous. I couldn’t agree more. I nodded enthusiastically.

‘There is a difficulty, however,’ he added. My heart sank again, but I waited to hear what it was. ‘It does cause profound resentment if those at the top continue to enjoy the convenience and comforts they have withdrawn from those below them, not to mention the deeply damaging publicity….’

He broke off, and waited to see how I reacted. I wasn’t awfully keen, I must admit. It became clear that Humphrey’s scheme was that he and I should set a personal example. Economy begins at home, and we can’t expect others to do what we don’t do ourselves, and so forth.

I challenged Humphrey. ‘Would it really save that much?’

‘Directly, no,’ he said. ‘But as an example to the whole public service… incalculable!’

Then Frank came up with the decisive argument in favour of Humphrey’s plan. He pointed out that there would be lots of great publicity in it. He suggested the sort of newspaper headlines we’d be getting: THE MINISTER SHOWS THE WAY, or SLIMLINE GOVERNMENT, HACKER SETS EXAMPLE. We might even get a first-name headline: SAVE IT, SAYS JIM.

I gave Humphrey the okay to put the scheme into practice as soon as possible. I shall be interested to see how it works. At this moment, I have high hopes.

December 20th

Sunday morning. I’m writing this at home, in the constituency.

Haven’t had time to make any entries in the diary for some days because this economy drive is creating a lot of extra work for me. However, I’m sure it’s all going to be worth it.

It was a dreadful journey home on Friday night. I got home in the middle of the night. Annie had gone to bed. Apparently she’d made supper for us, and it had spoiled.

I’d tried to get a taxi to get me from Whitehall to Euston, but there was a thunderstorm and no taxis were available. So I’d gone by tube, carrying three red boxes which are immensely heavy when filled, and I’d missed the train at Euston. So I got home very tired and wet.

I apologised for waking Annie, and told her about my troublesome journey.

‘What happened to the chauffeur-driven car?’ she asked anxiously.

‘I’ve got rid of it,’ I explained proudly. ‘I’ve also got rid of the chauffeur, all the grand office furniture, and the drinks cabinet, and half my private office staff.’

‘You’ve been sacked!’ she said. Annie often jumps to the most ridiculous alarmist conclusions. I explained that it was an economy drive and that I was setting an example of no frills, no luxuries and no privileges.

Annie couldn’t seem to understand. ‘You’re bloody mad!’ she exploded. ‘For twenty years as a backbencher you have complained that you had no facilities and no help. Now you’ve been given them, and you’re throwing them away.’

I tried to explain it, but she wouldn’t let me get a word in edgeways. ‘For twenty years you’ve wanted to be a success — why did you want it if it brings no greater comfort than failure?’

I explained that this move would give me much greater power in the end.

Annie was unimpressed. ‘And how will you travel when you’re Prime Minister? Hitch-hike?’

Why can’t she understand?

December 21st

Great progress today with the economy drive.

The office work is getting a bit behind, with twelve fewer people in my Private Office. Bernard is working overtime, and so am I, but clearly we didn’t need all those people out there, reading my letters and writing my letters, and making appointments and answering phones, and drafting replies to questions and — basically — protecting me from the outside world. I don’t need all those people to shield me. I am the people’s representative, I should be available to one and all, shouldn’t I?

However, we have to avoid screw-ups like this morning, when I arrived an hour and a half late to open a conference. What made it even more unfortunate was that it was the Business Efficiency Conference!