The Complete Yes Minister

I summoned Humphrey to my office. I don’t think he liked being summoned. Then I told him that Frank was absolutely correct, and Bob McKenzie too — the National Data Base has to be organised differently.

To my surprise, he agreed meekly. ‘Yes Minister,’ he murmured.

‘We are going to have all possible built-in safeguards,’ I went on.

‘Yes Minister,’ he murmured again.

‘Right away,’ I added. This took him by surprise.

‘Er… what precisely do you mean, right away?’

‘I mean right away,’ I said.

‘Oh I see, you mean right away, Minister.’

‘Got it in one, Humphrey.’

So far, so good. But, having totally accepted at the start of the conversation that it was all to be different, he now started to chip away at my resolve.

‘The only thing is,’ he began, ‘perhaps I should remind you that we are still in the early months of this government and there’s an awful lot to get on with, Minister…’

I interrupted. ‘Humphrey,’ I reiterated firmly, ‘we are changing the rules of the Data Base. Now!’

‘But you can’t, Minister,’ he said, coming out into the open.

‘I can,’ I said, remembering my stern talk from Annie last night, ‘I’m the Minister.’

He changed tactics again. ‘Indeed you are, Minister,’ he said, rapidly switching from bullying to grovelling, ‘and quite an excellent Minister at that, if I may say so.’

I brushed all the flannel aside. ‘Never mind the soft soap, Humphrey,’ I replied. ‘I want all citizens to have the right to check their own file, and I want legislation to make unauthorised access to personal files illegal.’

‘Very well,’ said Sir Humphrey. ‘It shall be done.’

This rather took the wind out of my sails. ‘Right,’ I said. ‘Good,’ I said. ‘Then we go ahead,’ I said, wondering what the catch was.

I was right. There was a catch. Sir Humphrey took this opportunity to explain to me that we can go ahead, if the Cabinet agrees, and take the matter to the Ministerial Committee, and then we can go ahead to the Official Committee. After that, of course, it’s all plain sailing — straight to the Cabinet Committee! And then back to Cabinet itself. I interrupted to point out that we’d started with Cabinet.

‘Only the policy, Minister,’ explained Sir Humphrey. ‘At this juncture Cabinet will have to consider the specific proposals.’

I conceded the point, but remarked that after going back to Cabinet we could then go ahead. Sir Humphrey agreed — but with the proviso that if Cabinet raises any questions, which it almost certainly would, the proposals would then have to go back to the Ministerial Committee, the Official Committee, the Cabinet Committee and the Cabinet again.

‘I know all this,’ I said brusquely. ‘I’m assuming that Cabinet will raise no objections.’ Sir Humphrey raised his eyebrows and visibly refrained from comment.

I didn’t know all this at all, actually — the complex mechanics of passing legislation don’t ever really become clear to you in Opposition or on the back benches.

‘So after Cabinet, we go ahead. Right?’

‘Yes,’ he said, ‘to the Leader of the House Committee. And then to Parliament — where there’s the Committee stage of course.’

But suddenly the penny dropped. Suddenly I realised he was blurring the whole issue. A blindfold dropped away from my eyes, as if by magic. ‘Humphrey,’ I said, ‘you’re talking about legislation — but I’m talking about administrative and procedural changes.’

Sir Humphrey smiled complacently. ‘If members of the public are to have the right to take legal action, then legislation is necessary and it will be very complicated.’

I had the answer to that. ‘Legislation is not necessary in order for the citizen to be able to see his own file, is it?’

Sir Humphrey thought carefully about this. ‘No-o-o-o,’ he finally said, with great reluctance.

‘Then we’ll go ahead with that.’ Round one to me, I thought.

But Sir Humphrey had not yet conceded even that much. ‘Minister,’ he began, ‘we could manage that slightly quicker, but there are an awful lot of administrative problems as well.’

‘Look,’ I said, ‘this must have come up before. This Data Base has been in preparation for years, it hasn’t just materialised overnight — these problems must have been discussed.’

‘Yes indeed,’ he agreed.

‘So what conclusions have been reached?’ I asked.

Sir Humphrey didn’t reply. At first I thought he was thinking. Then I thought he hadn’t heard me, for some curious reason. So I asked him again: ‘What conclusions have been reached?’ a little louder, just in case. Again there was no visible reaction. I thought he’d become ill.

‘Humphrey,’ I asked, becoming a little concerned for his health and sanity, ‘can you hear me?’

‘My lips are sealed,’ he replied, through unsealed lips.

I asked him what exactly he meant.

‘I am not at liberty to discuss the previous government’s plans,’ he said. I was baffled.

‘Why not?’ I asked.

‘Minister — would you like everything that you have said and done in the privacy of this office to be revealed subsequently to one of your opponents?’