The Complete Yes Minister

I told him that I thought he needed to know, straight away, that I wasn’t happy with it, that I knew he’d be grateful to have a little extra time to work on something else, and that I hoped he didn’t mind my calling him.

‘Always a pleasure to hear from you, Minister,’ he said, and I think he slammed down the phone.

After I rang off I realised I’d forgotten to tell him to come and talk about it before Cabinet tomorrow. I was about to pick up the phone when Annie said: ‘Don’t ring him now.’

I was surprised by this sudden show of kindness and consideration for Sir Humphrey, but I agreed. ‘No, perhaps it is a bit late.’

She smiled. ‘Yes. Just give him another ten minutes.’

January 14th

This morning I made a little more progress in my battle for control over Humphrey and my Department, though the battle is not yet won.

But I had with me my notes from the meeting with Tom Sargent, and — exactly as Tom had predicted — Sir Humphrey put his stalling technique into bat.

‘Humphrey,’ I began, ‘have you drafted the proposed safeguards for the Data Base?’

‘Minister,’ he replied plausibly, ‘I quite appreciate your intention and I fully agree that there is a need for safeguards but I’m wondering if this is the right way to achieve it.’

‘It’s my way,’ I said decisively, and I ticked off the first objection in my little notebook. ‘And that’s my decision.’

Humphrey was surprised that his objection had been brushed aside so early, without protracted discussion — so surprised that he went straight on to his second stage.

‘Even so Minister,’ he said, ‘this is not really the time, for all sorts of reasons.’

I ticked off number two in my notebook, and replied: ‘It is the perfect time — safeguards have to develop parallel with systems, not after them — that’s common sense.’

Humphrey was forced to move on to his third objection. Tom really has analysed his technique well.

‘Unfortunately, Minister,’ said Humphrey doggedly, ‘we have tried this before, but, well… we have run into all sorts of difficulties.’

I ticked off number three in my little book. Humphrey had noticed this by now, and tried to look over my shoulder to see what was written there. I held the book away from him.

‘What sort of difficulties?’ I enquired.

‘Technical, for example,’ said Humphrey.

Thanks to a careful study of Tom’s private papers, I had the answer ready. ‘No problem at all,’ I said airily. ‘I’ve been doing some research. We can use the same basic file interrogation programme as the US State Department and the Swedish Ministry of the Interior. No technical problems.’

Sir Humphrey was getting visibly rattled, but he persisted. ‘There are also formidable administrative problems. All departments are affected. An interdepartmental committee will have to be set up…’

I interrupted him in mid-sentence. ‘No,’ I said firmly. ‘I think you’ll find, if you look into it, that the existing security procedures are adequate. This can just be an extension. Anything else?’

Humphrey was gazing at me with astonishment. He just couldn’t work out how I was so thoroughly in command of the situation. Was I just making a series of inspired guesses, he wondered. As he didn’t speak for a moment, I decided to help him out.

‘Legal problems?’ I suggested helpfully.

‘Yes Minister,’ he agreed at once, hoping that he had me cornered at last. Legal problems were always his best bet.

‘Good, good,’ I said, and ticked off the last but one stage on my little list. Again he tried to see what I had written down.

‘There is a question,’ he began carefully, ‘of whether we have the legal power…’

‘I’ll answer it,’ I announced grandly. ‘We have.’ He was looking at me in wonderment. ‘All personnel affected are bound by their service agreement anyway.’

He couldn’t argue because, of course, I was right. Grasping at straws he said: ‘But Minister, there will have to be extra staffing — are you sure you will get it through Cabinet and the Parliamentary Party?’

‘Quite sure,’ I said. ‘Anything else?’ I looked at my list. ‘No, nothing else. Right, so we go ahead?’

Humphrey was silent. I wondered whether he was being discreet, stubborn or courageous. Stubborn, I think.

Eventually, I spoke. ‘You’re very silent,’ I remarked. There was more silence. ‘Why are you so silent, by the way?’

He realised that he had to speak, or the jig was up. ‘Minister, you do not seem to realise how much work is involved.’

Casually, I enquired if he’d never investigated safeguards before, under another government perhaps, as I thought I remembered written answers to Parliamentary questions in the past.