The Early Ayn Rand

She was smiling at him openly, unconcerned and impersonal. There was no invitation, no coquetry in her face, only a cool, wondering interest. But, somehow, it was not the same face that had spoken of Joan d'Arc, and he frowned, remembering that he was tired.

"Don't pay me any compliments," he said, "if you want to come here again."

"May I come here again?" she asked eagerly.

"Look, here's what we'll do. I'll leave you my key in the mornings — I'd better lock the room from now on, I don't want anyone else studying my handwriting around here — I'll slip the key under your door. You can rehearse here all day long, but try to get out by seven. I don't want visitors when I get home. Drop the key in my mailbox."

She looked at him, her eyes radiant.

"It's the nastiest way I've ever heard anyone offering the nicest thing," she said. "All right, I won't bother you again. But leave the key. It's the third door down the hall, to the right."

"You'll have it tomorrow. Now run along. I have work to do."

"Can't I," she asked, "be a little late some evenings and overstep the seven-o'clock deadline by ten minutes?"

"I don't know. Maybe."

"Goodnight, Howard." She smiled at him from the threshold. "Thank you."

"Goodnight, Vesta."

In the spring, the windows of Roark's room stood open, and through the long, bright evenings Vesta Dunning sat on a windowsill, strands of lights twinkling through the dark silhouettes of the city behind her, the luminous spire of a building far away at the tip of her nose. Roark lay stretched on his stomach on the floor, his elbows propped before him, his chin in his hands, and looked up at her and at the glowing sky. Usually, he saw neither. But she had noticed that in him long ago and had come to take it for granted, without resentment or wonder. She breathed the cool air of the city and smiled secretly to herself, to the thought that he allowed her sitting there and that he did notice it sometimes.

She had broken her deadline often, remaining in his room to see him come home; at first, because she forgot the time in her work; then, because she forgot the work and watched the clock anxiously for the hour of his return. On some evenings, he ordered her out because he was busy; on others he let her stay for an hour or two; it did not seem to matter much, in either case, and this made her hate him, at first, then hate herself — for the joy of the pain of his indifference.

They talked lazily, aimlessly, of many things, alone over the city in the evenings. She talked, usually; sometimes, he listened. She had few friends; he had none. It was impossible to predict what subject she would fling out suddenly in her eager, jerking voice; everything seemed to interest her; nothing interested him. She would speak of plays, of men, of books, of holdups, of perfumes, of buildings; she would say suddenly: "What do you think of that gas-station murder?" "What gas-station murder?" "Don't you read the news? You should see what the Wynand papers are making of it. It's beautiful, what an orgy they're having with it." "Nobody reads the Wynand papers but housewives and whores." "Oh, but they have such nice grisly pictures!"... Then: "Howard, do you think that there is such a thing as infinity? Because if you try to think of it one way or the other, it doesn't make sense — and I thought that..." Then: "Howard, Howard, do you still think that I'll be a great actress someday? You said so once." Then her voice would be low, and even, and hard, and reluctant somehow.

He noticed that this was the one thing which made her hesitant and still and drawn. When she spoke of her future, she was like an arrow, stripped to a thin shaft, poised, ready, aimed at a single point far away, an arrow resting on so taut a string that one wished it to start upon its flight before the string would break. She hated to speak of it; but she had to speak of it, and something in him forced her to speak, and then she would talk for hours, her voice flat, unfriendly, without expression, but her lips trembling. Then she would not notice him listening; and then he would be listening, and his eyes would be open, as if a shutter had clicked off, and his eyes would be aware of her, of her thin, slouched shoulders, of the line of her throat against the sky, of her twisted [pose],[3] always wrong, always graceful.

She did not know that she had courage or purpose. She struggled as she was struggling because she had been born that way and she had no choice in the matter, nor the time to wonder about an alternative. She did not notice her own dismal poverty, nor her fear of the landlord, nor the days when she went without dinner. You're Telling Me, the show which she would not allow Roark to see, had closed within two weeks. She had made the rounds of theatrical producers, after that, grimly, stubbornly, without plaints or questions. She had found no work, and it gave her no anger and no doubts.