The Eye of Zoltar

But despite their appearance, which was both elegant and terrifying in equal measure, they acted like particularly dumb teenage brothers, only with an IQ immeasurably higher, and better taste in clothes and friends.

‘Welcome home,’ I said. ‘Were you impressed by all that learning?’

‘Good in parts,’ said Colin thoughtfully, ‘but generally inclined to repetition.’

‘That’s it?’ said Wizard Moobin. ‘Our entire intellectual output dismissed in a sentence?’

‘We can discuss human literary output further if you’d like,’ said Feldspar, ‘but we’d only get as far as Aristotle before you’d do that thing where you stop working and fall apart. What’s it called again?’

‘Dying?’

‘That’s it. But your output isn’t all boring. We thought that a few humans were actually really smart, but they were too rare to be of any real use, and rarely became leaders where they could actually change things.’

‘And,’ added Colin, ‘I was a little disappointed over all that killing.’

Colin was a strict pacifist, and as much a vegan as any Dragon ever could be.

‘There is quite a lot of it in our history,’ I conceded.

‘I knew how much before I went,’ said Colin, ‘I was just unprepared for the range of ridiculous excuses you lot use in its justification. It’s somewhat bizarre to learn that many of you think that other humans are somehow different enough to be hated and killed, when in reality you’re all tiresomely similar in outlook, needs and motivation, and differ only by peculiar habits, generally shaped by geographical circumstance.’

‘We’re not all bad,’ I said, suddenly finding myself defending my own species.

‘No,’ agreed Colin, ‘some of you are hardly rubbish at all, and a few – there are always a few – are quite exceptional. Mind you,’ he added, ‘you can always take solace in the fact that humans are generally better than Trolls.’

‘Better than Trolls?’ said Lady Mawgon scornfully. ‘Praise indeed.’

‘Generally better,’ repeated Colin, in case she had misunderstood.

We all fell silent, and Feldspar looked around the room carefully.

‘Is this a Sorcerers’ Conclave?’ he asked, and I nodded.

‘It’s about the Mighty Shandar,’ said Moobin, and he outlined the refund issue, and how finding the Eye of Zoltar might help.

‘I thought he might want to kill us,’ said Colin in a matter-of-fact manner, ‘most do. We’ll defend ourselves as well as we can, but it won’t be much of a fight – neither of us will be full-grown and at Peak Magic for at least another century, perhaps two.’

‘… which is why we need to find the Eye,’ I said, ‘heard of it?’

‘Nope,’ said Colin, ‘but then our Dragon trans-death memory is weak at present. If you want to give us thirty years or so for our forefathers’ memories to settle and coalesce, we’d be happy to help then.’

‘That might be too long,’ said Moobin.

‘Humans!’ said Feldspar. ‘Always in such a hurry. Well, must be off. I’m on a princess-guarding gig, and the venue needs my approval for suitability. Tall tower, abandoned castle, island, that sort of thing.’

‘You never mentioned this,’ said Colin, mildly annoyed.

‘I don’t have to tell you everything. Besides, it’s only for thirty years or until successful abduction of said princess by said brave knight.’

‘You wouldn’t catch me doing any princess-guarding,’ said Colin grumpily. ‘It’s so depressingly medieval, and besides, guarding princesses and vaporising knights with a white-hot ball of fire is not the publicity we Dragons need right now.’

‘How about guarding but without doing the ball of fire thing?’ asked Moobin.

‘It’s an idea,’ replied Feldspar thoughtfully, ‘although I’m not sure you can guard princesses without roasting a few knights. It’ll be fine. I get to meet the princess and if we don’t hit it off I can always turn them down.’

And so saying he flew out of the window.

‘Okay,’ I said, using my authoritative voice, the one I usually used when I had to make some sort of wise or portentous pronouncement, ‘it looks like I’m going into the Cambrian Empire on a dual mission. Firstly, I’ll head for Llangurig to find Able Quizzler and see if there is any truth in his claim that the Eye of Zoltar is in Pirate Wolff’s possession.’

‘And secondly?’ asked Lady Mawgon.

‘I’ll drop in and see if I can negotiate for Once Magnificent Boo’s release. I’ll be gone for two days, three at most.’

There was a mild grumbling of discomfort. Whenever I went away or had a day off, things generally went a bit chaotic at Kazam, but they understood this was important.

‘Okay, then,’ I said, eager to move on, ‘who’s coming with me? Not you, Tiger, you’re staying here to look after things in my absence.’

‘I can be tactical air support,’ said Colin. ‘I might not be large enough to carry anyone, but I can manage reconnaissance duties.’

‘Thank you,’ I said. ‘Anyone else?’

There was silence, and for a good reason.