The Eye of Zoltar

‘I’m not sure any of us can come with you,’ said Moobin apologetically. ‘The transportation of licensed sorcerers across borders has been strictly controlled for some time. We could get travel permits, but it would take six months or more.’

‘If we sneaked across the border and were caught we’d end up no better off than Once Magnificent Boo,’ added Lady Mawgon.

‘My carpet and I aren’t going anywhere until I get some more angel feathers,’ said the Prince gloomily, ‘but if you shout I’ll come running and do what I can.’

‘I’m too lazy,’ admitted Kevin Zipp, ‘and can foresee more terrors than I think it will be helpful to tell you about.’

This was worrying. I didn’t mind going on my own, but I’d prefer company.

‘I’m in,’ said Perkins. ‘Officialdom moves slowly both in the Kingdom of Snodd and the Cambrian Empire. It’s doubtful if my licensed-sorcerer status has even left the Ministry of Infernal Affairs out-tray. The worst they can do is refuse me entry.’

‘Thank you, Perkins.’

‘My pleasure. Never been on a quest before.’

‘Hang on a second,’ I said. ‘Let’s all get this perfectly clear – this is not a quest. All we’re doing is travelling into the Cambrian Empire to find evidence that Able Quizzler chanced upon the Eye of Zoltar.’

‘Besides,’ said Moobin, ‘all quests need to be approved by the Questing Foundation.’

‘Exactly,’ I said, ‘and we don’t want them involved.’

‘So what if we do find evidence of the Eye of Zoltar?’ asked Perkins.

‘Then we carry on, I guess, and see what we can find.’

‘It will be dangerous,’ said Dame Corby, ‘the Cambrian Empire always is. My Uncle Herbert went there to do some mild mega-pike fishing and was stuffed and mounted by the Hotax.’

‘I’m thinking I shouldn’t ask this, but what’s a Hotax?’ asked Perkins.

‘A sort of cannibalistic savage with an unhealthy enthusiasm for taxidermy.’

‘I knew I shouldn’t have asked.’

‘Don’t forget to keep your angel traps on you at all times,’ said Prince Nasil, ‘especially when imminent death is close by. Did I tell you they liked marshmallows?’

‘Yes,’ said Perkins and I, pretty much at the same time.

‘Here,’ said Moobin, handing me a piece of paper, ‘you’ll need this.’

It was a letter of credit to the Ransom Clearing House. Effectively worth twenty thousand.

‘I’d like to go higher for Boo but that’s all we can spare. Try and knock them down, won’t you?’

I said I’d do my best, and put the note in my pocket.

‘Right, then,’ I said to the group as they got up. ‘The duty roster is posted on the board and don’t forget to fill out your paperwork. Tiger will help you.’

‘Thanks for agreeing to come with me,’ I said to Perkins as the meeting broke up.

‘You can’t go on your own,’ he replied. ‘Besides, Kevin once let slip that I would grow old in the Cambrian Empire. If I’m eventually to retire there, it makes sense to at least visit the place. What’s the plan, by the way?’

‘We drive to the border in the Bugatti posing as a couple going on holiday.’

‘And then what?’

‘And then we improvise.’

‘Sounds like an excellent plan.’

‘What about me?’ asked the Princess, who I’d forgotten about, but who must have overheard everything. ‘Shall I be a Tralfamosaur research student from a well-born family who has fallen on hard times but is otherwise treated as her high station befits?’

‘You’re not coming because it’s too risky,’ I said. ‘Besides, we can’t take a princess into the Cambrian Empire without an import licence.’

‘But I’m not the Princess right now,’ said the Princess. ‘I’m an undernourished orphan named Laura Scrubb with unsightly red rashes on my arms and legs.’

‘She’s got a point,’ said Perkins.

I thought for a moment. The King and Queen had told me she needed educating, and a fact-finding mission to the wildly unpredictable Cambrian Empire might be just the thing.

‘Okay, Princess,’ I said, ‘you’re in – but if you blow your cover and get kidnapped, your father will have to mortgage the Kingdom you might one day inherit to get you out.’

‘I’ll take that risk,’ she said with a toss of her head. ‘Now, shall I be a Tralfamosaur research student from a well-born family who is treated as an equal?’

‘No, you’re my handmaiden.’

She thought about this.

‘Will I have to do any ironing?’

‘Can you do ironing?’

‘No.’

‘Then probably not.’

‘Okay,’ she said with the first smile I’d seen, ‘game on.’

To the border by Royale

As soon as our local filling station was open in the morning I checked the oil level and topped up the fuel on the Bugatti Royale. As an afterthought I added a couple of cans of spare petrol to the cavernous boot, then drove the car back to Zambini Towers, where I packed a spirit stove and a billycan for tea. I fetched several cases of ‘one meal’ expanding biscuits from Mabel and an enchanted tent that would swear angrily to itself when self-pitching, and thus save you the effort.

Perkins was the first to appear, dragging a leather suitcase behind him.