The Eye of Zoltar

‘That’s Ralph as an Australopithecine,’ I said. ‘What Perkins did was a Genetic Master Reset – the only thing that could release him from the spells was a complete scouring out of anything that made him Ralph. And since Ralph was human, a Master Reset brought him back to the first thing that would eventually turn out to be Ralph that wasn’t quite human.’

‘You turned Ralph into a caveman?’ said Curtis, staring accusingly at Perkins.

‘It was either that,’ murmured Perkins, still with his eyes closed after the effort, ‘or resetting him to Standard Rabbit. Believe me, Australopithecine is better. At least this way he can evolve back into a human. A rabbit, well, that just stays a rabbit.’

‘Evolve back? That’s a relief,’ said Ignatius. ‘I promised his mother I’d have him back in a week.’

Perkins and I exchanged looks.

‘It’ll take a little longer than a week,’ I said.

‘I suppose we could keep him in a spare room or something,’ said Ignatius. ‘How much longer?’

‘About 1.6 million years. I’m sorry to say that Ralph will spend the rest of his days as a primitive version of a human. He’ll still be Ralph, only with one third brain capacity, some peculiar habits and a mostly obsolete skill-set. Despite this, he’ll pick up a few words and may even learn how to use a spoon.’

‘Ook,’ said Ralph, staring at us all with his small dark eyes. He still looked a lot like Ralph, just shorter and hairier and more extinct.

‘Turn him back, you sorcery piece of scum,’ said Curtis, taking a menacing step forward. ‘I don’t believe this. You turned my best friend into a caveman?’

It was Perkins’ turn to get angry now, but he wasn’t going to. Firstly, he was exhausted, and secondly, it wasn’t in his nature. But it was in mine.

‘Listen here, numbskull,’ I said, pressing a finger against Curtis’ chest. ‘Ralph as you know him isn’t coming back. And just so you know, Perkins didn’t have to help him. But when he did, he gave up some of his own life to do so. That’s right, idiot. Notice anything different about Perkins? He’s aged a decade. He gave those years to save your dumb friend’s life, so the next time you open your stupid gob it will be to say: “Thank you, Mr Perkins, we are not worthy of your generosity”. Understand?’

Curtis and Ignatius frowned and looked at Perkins curiously. Now they looked, they could see he was older. A few minutes ago Perkins had been a spotty-faced eighteen-year-old, but now he was a handsomish man in his late twenties. A Genetic Master Reset takes a lot of wizidrical energy, and if there’s not enough in the air about you, there is only one place you can go: your own life spirit. Magic is a form of emotional energy bound up inside everything that lives, and since all life is one, we are all part of that same magical energy. Life is magic, and magic is life. But the broader point was this: Perkins had given ten years of his life to help Ralph, whom he neither knew nor liked.

Ignatius and Curtis went silent, and stared at one another with, I hope, a sense of shame. Gareth and his bandits, who had been watching the spectacle with a kind of appalled curiosity, decided they had seen enough.

‘We’re done,’ said Gareth. ‘Lower the finger, wizard, and do exactly what we say.’

Perkins was too tired to do anything other than what he was told. Within a few seconds he had been hauled out of the half-track and made to sit on the ground. Gareth went through Perkins’ papers and they soon ascertained who he was and that he was totally kidnappable. While this was going on, Addie had moved across to where I was sitting in the driver’s seat.

‘You might have told me you had a wizard with you,’ she said.

‘There’s lots of things I haven’t told you.’

‘Like what?’

‘Like we’re actually looking for the Eye of Zoltar. The guy in Llangurig we need to visit is called Able Quizzler, and he connected the Eye to Sky Pirate Wolff.’

She sighed.

‘I can’t speak for Able Quizzler, but Sky Pirate Wolff hasn’t been seen in years, if she was ever seen at all, and the legendary Leviathans’ Graveyard is exactly that – legendary.’

‘Even so,’ I said, ‘I’d still like to look.’

Addie looked at me and realised just how serious I was.

‘If you’re chasing dreams and legends across Cambria, Jenny, you must want the Eye of Zoltar pretty badly.’

‘If we don’t find it then our two Dragons are to be killed by the most powerful wizard in the land, and we will be honour bound to die attempting to save them.’

‘And would one of those Dragons be rubber right now, the same one you denied knowing anything about?’

‘Something like that.’

‘Terrific. Anything else? Surprises, I mean?’

I thought about the Princess.

‘There might be more … It’s an instalment kind of thing. Will you still be our tour guide?’

‘Of course,’ said Addie. ‘Deluded tourists chasing after barely credible legends is not just our bread and butter, but also very entertaining. I think you’re mistaken, but I’ll still help you.’