The Eye of Zoltar

I thanked her, and my attention was taken by a comment from the bandit named Rhys.

‘How much can we ransom him for?’

‘We’re not going to ransom him,’ announced Gareth, ‘we’re going to give him away.’

The two other bandits stopped and stared at Gareth suspiciously.

‘To the Emperor,’ continued Gareth. ‘His Tyrannic Majesty will look favourably upon such a valuable gift.’

The two bandits nodded enthusiastically, and my heart fell. Emperor Tharv would indeed welcome the gift. He needed sorcerers, and for one reason only: to help him develop a powerful Thermowizidrical Device with which to threaten his neighbouring kingdoms. Needless to say, this would not be a good thing.

‘It’s time we left,’ said Addie in a low voice, ‘before Gareth starts wanting the half-track as well.’

‘No way,’ I said. ‘I can’t leave without Perkins.’

‘You don’t have a choice – unless you think you can kill those three and get out of the country before the rest of their tribe catches up with you?’

‘I have … a Dragon,’ I said. ‘Admittedly he’s rubber right now, but he’ll be turning back pretty soon.’

‘And if he does, and if he can get here, will he be willing to kill them to get Perkins back?’

I thought about Colin’s strictly pacifist nature.

‘Actually, probably not. But he can be seriously scary – talons, teeth, barbed tail, fiery breath, that sort of thing.’

‘I’m sure that’s very scary where you come from, but considering the loathsome creatures that squirm, squelch, drift or creep around this country, a Dragon has a terror rating of two. And to put that into context, a Tralfamosaur is a five, and my gran is an eight.’

‘Your gran must be very scary,’ I said.

‘She ate a live whippet once,’ said Addie, ‘which is pretty scary, especially during a wedding.’

‘What did the bride and groom say?’

‘She was the bride. I think she wanted to make a statement to her in-laws.’

‘That would be quite a statement,’ said the Princess, pulling a face.

‘There must be something we can do about Perkins,’ I implored. ‘He’s a good friend, and I really like him.’

Addie shrugged.

‘It’s not like he’s dead,’ she said. ‘You’ll meet him again some time, I’m sure.’

‘True,’ I replied, ‘but I also think Emperor Tharv might reopen research into Thermowizidrical Weapons if he had access to a sorcerer.’

Addie thought for a moment.

‘You’re right,’ she said, ‘and that would be a screaming disaster. Wait here.’

She patted me on the arm, and approached the three bandits, who were all congratulating themselves on their good fortune.

‘How much for him?’ she asked, pointing not at Perkins but at the man who was the bandit’s previous kidnap victim.

‘Getting into the kidnap business, Addie?’

‘Tour guide pay is not what it used to be.’

Gareth thought for a moment, then nodded. They went into a huddle for some bargaining, and two minutes later Addie returned with their previous victim. He was in his mid-sixties and dressed in a tweed jacket and plus-fours. He had a genial demeanour, an impressive moustache, but didn’t look as though he’d slept in a proper bed for a week.

‘This is Mr Wilson,’ said Addie, ‘and we’re leaving.’

The others needed no second bidding and hurriedly clambered aboard the half-track.

‘Why did you buy him?’ I said to Addie in a low voice.

‘I have a plan to get your Perkins back,’ she said, ‘and there can’t be any witnesses.’

I stared at her to see whether she was pulling my leg, but she wasn’t. She nodded in the direction of the bandits, who were readying to leave.

‘Better say your goodbyes.’

I walked across to Perkins.

‘Hey,’ I said, ‘how are you feeling?’

‘Not great,’ he said. ‘They want to present me to Emperor Tharv as a gift. I’ve never been a gift before.’

I leaned forward to kiss him on the cheek, and took the opportunity to whisper: ‘Trust us. You’ll be fine.’

The bandits then mounted Perkins on a spare Buzonji and were soon lost to view in a swirl of dust. I watched them go and then returned to the half-track. I was, as you might imagine, of a somewhat heavy heart. Perkins was the closest thing to a boyfriend I had, and despite our recently increased difference in ages, I didn’t want to lose him. I looked at my watch. At seven I would contact Tiger using the conch and report what had happened. Moobin or Lady Mawgon would doubtless know what to do.

At the Claerwin

‘Hello, everyone,’ said our new travelling companion as soon as we were on the move, ‘you don’t have to call me Mr Wilson – Wilson is just dandy. I’m an ornithologist.’

‘A what?’ asked Curtis.

‘It’s someone who studies birds,’ said the Princess.

‘Hadn’t you heard?’ said Curtis with an impertinent laugh. ‘Birds have all but vanished in the Empire.’

‘Which makes the sport of birdwatching quintriply fascinating,’ said Wilson. ‘Think of the thrill of finding a bird where there aren’t any. Marvellous.’

‘You’re mad,’ said Curtis.

‘Bit rude,’ said Wilson cheerfully. ‘Who’s the hairy chap and does he know that his thing is showing?’

‘That’s Ralph,’ I said, ‘and I don’t think he cares if it’s showing or not.’