The Eye of Zoltar

‘I thought we could be friendly over this, but never mind: although today I’m a tourist, I’m also a businessman, and a businessman is always on the lookout for new business opportunities.’

‘You said “business” three times in that sentence.’

‘So?’

‘It’s bad syntax.’

‘No it isn’t.’

‘Yes it is. It’s like me saying: “You’re the dumbest dumb person I’ve ever had the dumb luck to meet”.’

‘You’re very sarcastic for someone so young.’

‘You noticed?’

Curtis scowled.

‘Fun’s over,’ he said. ‘This is why I’m here: I thought at first that you were out here for a holiday too, but then I got to thinking. You’re Jennifer Strange, the Last Dragonslayer. You run Kazam, who have recently established themselves as the only licensed House of Enchantment in the world. You are personal Court Mystician to King Snodd and Dragon Ambassador. You are probably the most powerful and influential person working in magic today.’

This was worrying. Idiots like Curtis I can handle so long as they stay being idiots – I have a terrible temper and can fight dirty, if pushed – but when idiots stop being idiots and start sounding smart, that’s another matter entirely.

‘So what are you saying? You want to write my CV?’

‘I’m saying that it’s a little suspicious: you’re heading off towards Cadair Idris mountain with a half-track loaded with fuel and the most experienced guide in the Empire, purportedly to look for Leviathans.’

‘So?’ I said. ‘Everyone needs a holiday.’

‘With a handmaiden who I suspect isn’t a handmaiden, an illegally imported sorcerer and a rubber Dragon? This is a quest, isn’t it?’

‘It’s a search.’

‘No way. This smacks to me of an arduous journey towards greater spiritual understanding of oneself and a greater truth.’

Blast. He’d rumbled us.

‘… and if the International Questing Federation find out you’re questing without a licence you’ll be in serious trouble, and not just with them – the Cambrian authorities don’t like anyone questing out here without a permit. A call from me and you’d be in custody quicker than you can say “blackmail” and you can kiss goodbye to whatever it is you’re looking for.’

We stared at one another for a moment.

‘I want to know what you’re looking for,’ he said. ‘It’s something of extraordinary value, isn’t it?’

I had to think quickly.

‘I’m not telling you anything,’ I told him. ‘Go on, call the Questing Federation. I’d die before I’d tell you anything.’

Curtis drew a knife from his pocket. It was a flick-knife and although I could have disarmed him relatively easily and punched him painfully in the eye, I didn’t. A second or two later and he had me in an armlock and the knife at my throat.

‘Let’s try again,’ he said. ‘What are you looking for?’

‘Go to hell.’

I stamped hard on his foot and struggled. There was an opportunity to break the grip he had on the knife and punch him in the eye, but I did neither and pretty soon he had me in an armlock once more and I cried out, even though the pain wasn’t that bad. He held the knife so close I could feel the coldness of the blade, his hands gripped me tightly, and I could feel his breath against my ear. This was good news as I now had Curtis precisely where I wanted him: convinced he was stronger, and smarter. And now he was an idiot again, I could act.

‘Okay, okay,’ I said in a strained ‘please don’t hurt me’ kind of voice. ‘It’s no big deal. We need … Leviathans’ teeth. They’re useful in spells. In particular, we’re trying to reanimate the mobile phone network, which will require a couple of dozen.’

‘Leviathans’ teeth?’

‘Yes; we usually extract them from the Leviathan bites we find on jetliners’ tails, but the attacks have dropped off these past six years.’

The Leviathans’ tooth story was nonsense, of course. No one had used them in potions for years on account of the whole ‘growing antlers side effect’ controversy of the 1720s, and we certainly didn’t need them to spell mobiles into existence. Only one thing was true: Leviathans did chase jetliners – like dogs chase cars, some say.

‘So without Leviathans’ teeth the mobile phone network won’t work?’

‘And a lot of other spells too,’ I said, ‘and here’s the deal: keep quiet about the quest and help us to find the Leviathans’ Graveyard. It’s where the creatures go to die and if we can find it, there’ll be hundreds of tons of dry bones for us to search through. Your silence and assistance will be rewarded: five Leviathan teeth for you to trade with as you see fit. Deal?’

‘I’ll stay quiet and help you,’ said Curtis, ‘but for twenty.’

‘I can go as high as ten.’

‘Fifteen.’

‘Okay,’ I said, ‘you’ve got a deal.’

He relaxed his grip and took the knife from my throat.

‘Well now, partner,’ he said with a greedy smile, ‘this sounds so much better. And this Leviathans’ Graveyard is somewhere near the top of Cadair Idris, yes?’

‘So legend has it. And now you know where we’re heading, you can get your objectionable carcass out of my pod.’

‘Only too happy to oblige, Jennifer. See you tomorrow.’