The Eye of Zoltar

‘That’s the stock market, buster,’ she replied cheerfully, ‘win some, lose some. Yes, maybe it was technically a bit illegal, but who’s going to find out? By the time they realise they’ve been ripped off I’ll be long gone. The Llanguriganeans are all a bunch of unsophisticated dullards who wouldn’t know an illegal stock market manipulation if it fell on them.’

‘Laura Scrubb?’ said a man in a tweed suit who had just approached our table.

‘Yes?’

‘My name is Brian Lloyd. I work for the Llangurig Financial Services Commission. I have to inform you that all trading in Laura Scrubb (Handmaiden) Ltd has been suspended, and we are arresting you for eighteen counts of illegal manipulation of the stock market, nine counts of fraudulent accounting and six of misrepresentation and corporate fraud.’

‘That’s an outrageous suggestion,’ said the Princess haughtily, ‘but since I have neither the time nor the inclination to defend your clearly bogus charges, I’ll be more than happy to deal with this here and now – shall we say two thousand, cash?’

‘And one count of attempting to bribe a public official.’

‘Whoops,’ said the Princess as a constable snapped some handcuffs on her.

‘Dear oh dear,’ said Mr Lloyd, shaking his head sadly, ‘you must think we’re all a bunch of unsophisticated dullards who wouldn’t know an illegal stock market manipulation if it fell on them.’

The Princess put on a good show of looking shocked and surprised.

‘The thought … never crossed my mind.’

‘Sure it didn’t,’ said Mr Lloyd. ‘You rogue traders are all the same. You think it’s just business and not stealing. It is. Constables? Take her away.’

‘Here, Jennifer,’ said the Princess, handing me the remains of her ill-gotten gains and an envelope stuffed with share certificates, ‘better try and get me a good lawyer, a bent lawyer, or failing that, any lawyer. Oh, and buy Trans-Wales stock when it drops below one-twenty plotniks a share; if goats go above half a plotnik a head, sell the lot.’

The two constables took the Princess by the elbows and marched her swiftly to the door. I jumped to my feet and followed them outside.

‘What’s going to happen to her?’ I asked as we crossed the street to the law courts, which also doubled up as the bakery, named, appropriately enough, All Rise.

‘This is a railway town, so she’ll be tried using the fast-track method,’ replied Mr Lloyd. ‘The trial will begin after the 18.24 ceasefire but before the railway militia night raiding parties begin at 20.15. She’ll be found guilty, of course, and will receive the penalty demanded by the law.’

‘Which is?’

Mr Lloyd turned and stared at me.

‘For a first offence, execution.’

‘Execution?’ I echoed. ‘Isn’t that a little severe?’

‘If we didn’t execute bankers and rogue traders found guilty of financial mischief, it might give them a clear signal that it’s actually okay, and then where would we be?’

‘The judge may show mercy,’ I said.

‘I doubt it,’ said Mr Lloyd with something of a cruel smile. ‘Judge “Gripper” O’Rourke has taken a special interest in this case.’

‘Oh dear,’ I said, then added: ‘Sir, I wonder if you could direct me to the best lawyer in the town?’

‘We only have one lawyer in the town, miss, and it’s me. I will also be prosecuting this case. You may engage me if you wish to conduct the defence as well – I will make every endeavour to be just and fair.’

‘I’m not sure that’s allowed,’ I replied.

‘Me neither,’ said Mr Lloyd, ‘but it saves a lot of time. Oh, and in case you’re thinking of bringing in a lawyer from elsewhere, only Llangurig lawyers can speak at Llangurig trials. Good day, miss.’

And with a tip of his hat, he was gone. I returned to where the others were sitting.

‘She’s going to be executed,’ I said gloomily, ‘tonight, and there’s not a lawyer to be found in town. We must rescue her.’

‘She did break the law,’ said Addie. ‘What do you think they should have done? Given her a bonus for her daring and ingenuity?’

I took a deep breath. It was time to tell them who she was.

‘No, it’s just that, to be honest, she’s not Laura Scrubb at all. She’s actually Princess Shazine, the heir apparent to the Kingdom of Snodd, and I swore to her mother the Queen I’d look after her.’

There was a shocked silence from Addie and Wilson. Wilson said that he doubted this very much as Laura’s teeth, nails and skin complaints were hardly princessy, so I told him all about the King and the Queen wanting me to educate the Princess, and how Queen Mimosa used the Sister Organza mind switcheroo to do it.

‘Any more surprises?’ asked Addie sullenly. ‘Another two dozen rubber Dragons or a few wizards or spells or you’re actually Princess Tharvina in disguise or something?’

‘No,’ I said after thinking hard, ‘you’ve got the lot.’

‘We’ll just tell the judge she’s a princess,’ said Wilson. ‘They’re not going to execute royalty. Not even Tharv does that, and he’s as mad as a barrel of skunks.’