The Eye of Zoltar

We waited until the 12.07 ceasefire, and the guns fell silent. Almost immediately the two railway companies came out to remove their wounded and dead, and the gates of the city opened. A torrent of traders, walkers, vehicles, railway enthusiasts, TV crews, goatherds and other assorted townsfolk spewed forth, eager to get out and back again before the battle recommenced at 14.38.

We walked up to the gates and entered the town. It was not large, but it was busy. Very busy. Llangurig wasn’t just a railway trophy town, but a frontier town. All the land north of here was unexplored and uncharted. Llangurig was a good starting point for tours into the rarely travelled and mostly inhospitable Plynlimon and Berwyn mountains.

‘But the tours tend not to go to Cadair Idris,’ said Addie. ‘Even jeopardy tourism has its limits.’

‘Any particular reason?’ asked Perkins.

‘The impossibly high level of fatalities, mostly. Dead tourists aren’t good for repeat business.’

As we headed towards the nearest hostelry for something to eat, I noted there were numerous street traders buying and selling railway shares. These traders, who had names like ‘Honest Bob’ and ‘Rock Solid Eddie’ and so forth, had set up blackboards on the streets with up-to-date reports of the current worth of the companies. Given the fresh battle this morning, the shares of the Cambrian Railway Company were at present slightly higher in value than the shares of the Trans-Wales Rails Corporation, but from the look of the number of hastily scrubbed and rewritten figures on the board, this was a state of affairs that was constantly changing.

‘The value of shares can go up as well as down!’ came a cheery voice behind me. I turned to find the Princess beaming at me. She was, strangely enough, actually dressed as a handmaiden, but aside from that, looked remarkably well.

‘Oh boy,’ I said, ‘am I glad to see you.’

‘Likewise,’ said the Princess, giving me a very unprincessly hug. ‘Hullo, Wilson, hullo, Addie and Mr Perkins. Hang on, my goat shares have taken a dive.’

She was pointing at another trader, who was dealing in commodities – things that you could consume like orange juice, beef and goats. It seemed the price of goats had suddenly dropped.

‘I was dabbling in the Llangurig Commodities Market,’ explained the Princess, looking suddenly crestfallen, ‘and I can’t understand how goats could be so cheap. It just doesn’t make any sense. Someone must be dumping cheap goats on the already saturated goat market. I thought the price couldn’t go any lower, but what a fool I was.’

‘Is that what you’ve been doing here for the past twenty-four hours?’ I asked. ‘Dabbling in goat shares at the Llangurig Commodities Market?’

‘I’ve not had so much fun in years,’ she said happily. ‘The smallest thing can set prices tumbling. Shall I demonstrate?’

‘No, please don’t. What happened to Curtis and the half-track?’

‘Gone, and not before time. Why not come over to the Bluebell Railway Inn? I can explain it over lunch.’

This seemed a good idea, and we trooped across to the inn opposite and ordered some food.

The handmaiden’s tale

‘So,’ I said, once large tankards of tea had been placed in front of us by a burly barmaid who had a pair of Star Class locomotives tattooed on her forearms, ‘what’s been going on?’

The Princess moved her chair so she could see the stock traders through the window in case any prices changed, then began.

‘I was watching you examine the Range Rover on the road yesterday morning – what was it, by the way?’

‘Hotax attack. Two tourists stuffed.’

‘Ah. Well, all of a sudden there is this colossal bang and when I wake up I’m rattling around on the floor of the half-track, bound and gagged and with a shocking headache. I figure Curtis must have whacked me on the head with a tyre iron or something. We get to Llangurig during the afternoon battle, then enter the town at teatime. Curtis immediately sells me to a local kingpin named Gripper O’Rourke, then stays the night over at the Llangurig Ritz to head out first thing this morning in the half-track. I don’t know where.’

‘Did he take any goats with him?’ asked Addie.

‘Four.’

‘He’ll be heading north to Cadair Idris,’ said Addie. ‘The goats are payment to cross the Mountain Silurians’ territory.’

‘Why Cadair Idris?’ asked the Princess.

‘To find the Leviathans’ Graveyard. I told him the teeth were highly valuable to sorcerers.’

‘Are they?’

‘No, although they might have some novelty value. Where’s this Gripper fellow? I’ve got to buy you back.’

The Princess chuckled.

‘You won’t have to. Let me explain: since handmaidens are quite valuable out here Gripper didn’t have the cash to pay Curtis outright, and Curtis didn’t trust that Gripper would send him the money he owed, so I suggested I float myself on the Llangurig Stock Exchange.’

‘You did what?’ asked Perkins.