The Eye of Zoltar

Cambrianopolis was close to the border with Midlandia but a good hour’s drive north of the frontier with the Kingdom of Snodd. It was a large, sprawling city built in the ‘shabby war-torn chic’ style so popular in the Empire. Most of the city seemed to be piles of rubble interspersed with roofless houses and half-dilapidated apartment blocks, leaning dangerously and blackened by smoke. It was all contrived, of course, like a large and uniquely complex Victorian folly, or a theme park celebrating mankind’s ceaseless warmongery, or something equally daft. Most of the apparently empty buildings were fully occupied, and not unsafe at all. The overall effect was one of a nation in constant civil war, something that was not the case at all – the Tharv dynasty had ruled unopposed for over three centuries.

We found our way to Emperor Tharv’s State-Owned Ransom Clearance House, which was a large building that, despite having bars on the windows, was run along the lines of a five-star hotel: there was an extensive menu, reliable room service and a health spa and pool. If you were going to be kidnapped anywhere, Cambrianopolis was the place. Some people even came on holiday deliberately to be kidnapped as the Clearance House was full of interesting people. One might, for instance, mix with long-term resident the Duke of Ipswich over breakfast, and be invited to buy tea for the deposed and penniless King Zsigsmund VIII in the afternoon.

Addie said she’d wait for us by the half-track, so I showed my credentials at the door, took a number and then sat on one of the benches and waited to be called. The Clearance House was designed to make negotiations as quick and easy as possible: agree a price, pay the money – release. Notwithstanding, negotiations could sometimes drag on for decades. The Duke of Ipswich had been here sixteen years as everyone tried to come to an agreement. The ransom was the easy bit; the argument was over who was going to pay for the duke’s food and laundry expenses.

Our number was eventually called and we entered a small, cheerless room with dusty grey filing cabinets and a dead potted plant. Our negotiator was a young, tidily dressed woman with an intriguing scar running vertically down her cheek and across to her lower lip.

‘Hello,’ she said pleasantly, rising to greet us. ‘Welcome to the Cambrian Empire’s Ransom Clearing House. My name is Hilda and I will be negotiating on behalf of the Nation. Offers made in this room are legally binding and negotiations may be recorded for training purposes.’

I asked whether my handmaiden could sit in, which was okay, and then said who I was and who I wanted to release. Hilda’s eyebrows rose as I spoke, but whether that was because of me or Boo, I wasn’t sure. I’d like to think a bit of both.

Hilda the negotiator spoke into a phone to have Boo’s file sent up and then made small talk about the weather and asked whether we had any news from the Kingdom of Snodd. I tried to fill her in about politics but she was really only interested in the Kingdom’s most famous stunt performer, Jimmy ‘Daredevil’ Nuttjob.

‘On fire last I heard,’ I told her.

‘Oh,’ she said, ‘news doesn’t really cross the border. There could be a war going on and we’d be the last to hear about it. Ah, the file. Thank you, Brigitte.’

Hilda opened the file and scanned the contents.

‘So,’ she said after a while, ‘Miss Boolean Champernowne Waseed Mitford Smith, aka “Once Magnificent Boo”. Occupation: Sorcerer. Condition: Healthy but minus her spelling fingers so deemed “damaged goods”. Charges: Unauthorised importation of a Tralfamosaur, illegal flight over the border and using magic to avoid detection. Charges dropped through the intervention of the Emperor, but after refusing to do any sorcery for him and threatening to “punch him painfully in the eye”, she was transferred to the Clearing House for disposal. We’ve had two best offers for her, both of which are currently on hold. But since you are a recognised negotiator for Kazam Mystical Arts Management and have the prior claim, we will transfer her to you if we can agree terms. If you don’t buy her release, we’ll accept the highest best offer. Okay?’

‘Not really,’ I said.

‘Splendid. Here we go: we’re looking to get thirty back for her.’

Thirty grand was a lot of cash, but actually a little less than I thought they’d ask for. But Boo was, as they said, damaged goods, so her value was limited.

‘Ridiculous,’ I said, ‘she doesn’t even work for us. I’m here as a friend, and would be asking Boo to refund me once we get her home.’

‘But she is a sorcerer,’ said Hilda, ‘and even though her power might be diminished, we understand she can still spell – just with limited accuracy and duration. Give us twenty-five and you can take her away now and I’ll chuck in some B&Q vouchers and two tickets to the Nolan Sisters concert next month.’

‘Twenty-five?’ I echoed. ‘Out of the question. Houses of Enchantment don’t have that kind of cash and you well know it.’