The Happy Marriage

A few days later, Habiba went to see her grandmother. She was over ninety years old, tiny, frail and thin, but her eyes were still sharp and bright, and she didn’t mince her words: “All men are bastards and cowards,” she told her, “they’ll make your life miserable if you don’t keep them in check. Marriage is nothing but a declaration of war celebrated with music, good food, perfumes, incense, pretty clothes, promises, songs, and so forth. There’s only one way to keep a man in check: you have to eat him.” She visualized her words by bunching her fingers and pointing to her open mouth. “Sometime you can’t do that, but you shouldn’t give up, there are other options. Your grandfather, for example, was completely uneatable. He was hard as a rock, it was impossible to swallow any part of him. So I pretended to be his slave for many months. I did whatever he wanted me to, and crawled on all fours in front of him, never refused anything he asked of me, and did anything I thought would please him. After a few years of careful training, he could only find pleasure with me. Now that’s what I call keeping a man. He never cheated on me. I’m sure of that because I hired a number of spies to keep me informed. He went from the shop to the house and from the house to the shop. He never once paid a visit to those disloyal women who cheat on their husbands. No, he was immune to that. When he was dying, he spent the whole night crying, saying he would be unhappy without me in heaven. I don’t know if God sent him to heaven, but wherever he is, I know that he’s waiting for me. I’m in no hurry to join him. I still have a few years left to live and places to see. God will surely have taught him to be patient.

“That’s the way you make a marriage work, my daughter, that’s the only way. And don’t forget that your husband will take advantage of you the moment you lower your guard. Marriage is a small war that is won through subterfuge, because when the shouting starts and you’ve run out of arguments, then it’s the beginning of the end. When I look around me, I see nothing but failures. Women cry and men triumph. It’s not fair. If everyone followed my example, that kind of thing wouldn’t happen anymore.”