The Last Samurai

Well, of course we didn’t fall in love at first sight but we got on pretty well, all things considered; and I realised if I went ahead with it I could count on my family 100% in my career which frankly was the only thing I really cared about, and all in all I think it worked out pretty well. There’s something to be said for it, you go into it with your eyes open.

He put up a hand to keep me from interrupting and he said—but then in the early 80s I went to a conference in Hawaii on infrared. That’s where I met her. She gave a paper; one thing led to another; before we knew it we were head over heels in love. She was—I don’t know what she’s like now, but when I first saw her I thought she was the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen in my life. She took my breath away. It sounds trite but it’s just a description of fact, it was like being kicked in the stomach. One of those things you don’t believe until it’s happened to you. And she was brilliant too, had some amazing insights for someone her age; I’d never imagined what it would be like to be with someone you could talk to without thinking about how to explain it.

He was silent for a moment. Before I could think of a way to take advantage of this he was talking again.

He said: It was hell to go back to London but I did it somehow. She went back to Australia. We kept meeting at conferences for the next few years. Finally I said things can’t go on like this. I didn’t want to hurt my wife but things couldn’t go on. Colossus was about three years behind schedule but it really did look as thought it would go up in another four maybe five years, I said as soon as Colossus was in orbit I’d ask Firoza for a divorce, she could come to England if she liked, it wouldn’t be hard to find her something, or I’d start looking for something in Australia, she said she was pregnant and I said What do you want to do.

He said: She just kept looking at me. I said What do you want me to do? She started to cry—it was dreadful to see her like that. I said What do you think I can do? You must be aware of the implications. I said—these things torment you later but at the time I had a terror of being swept along, of not thinking clearly—I said What is your estimate of our fossil fuel reserves? What kind of science do you think people will be able to do without petroleum by-products? How much longer do you think people will be able to do the kind of science we do? Can we be sure they will be so brilliant they will be able to do what we do without petroleum by-products?

I must have been in a state of shock myself, I realised that later, but at the time it seemed desperately important to get her to make some kind of statement about fossil fuel reserves, it used to come back to me later. It would have come to the same thing in the end, but why wasn’t I kinder? I could have comforted her and instead I kept going on and on at the poor girl about petroleum by-products—it seemed desperately important that one of us should keep a clear head. She just kept crying. But what could I do? Colossus was at a stage where I couldn’t possibly go through the disruption of a divorce—and anyway the financial parameters were impossible. Academic salaries in this country being what they are I couldn’t possibly support two families—well, I’d had some offers from the States over the years, I might have swung it financially but the disruption of switching institutions, not to mention countries, there was simply nothing I could do.

She kept crying and looking at me. She said George—I said Why are you looking at me like that? Did I make the world? Am I a magician? Do you think I like this?

I said What do you think I can do?

She stopped crying and she said maybe she could manage something but I couldn’t let her do that. She was so brilliant and she’d worked so hard—grown up in the Outback and saved up money herding sheep or knitting or some such thing to send off for her first telescope—I couldn’t let her throw it all away. She’d only just got her lectureship, so she’d no entitlement to maternity leave—I said You’ve got to be practical, what are you going to do, go back to the sheep? Spend your life spotting comets?

She said all right, she would deal with it. She asked me for some money. There was nothing I could do. Anyway I didn’t hear from her after that but of course I could see that she continued to be productive in the field and her career was going ahead full tilt, so I naturally assumed … I thought maybe one day she’d put in a proposal for some of the unscheduled time on Colossus and I could help push that through the unscheduled time being at such a premium, but in the event she did all her work through other observational facilities so nothing came of it.